I saw that kid at the grocery store for the first time, and I swear it felt like I was looking in the fucking mirror. The thought of walking away from a child that could be mine left me feeling a little hollow. I knew it was the right thing to do though, as hard as it was to let go. I saw that sweet little boy smile up at his dad with complete adoration in his eyes. I never wanted to do anything to change that. To see her family so happy, I just couldn’t be the asshole to step in and stir up a shit storm that could possibly tear that little boy’s whole world apart… or Kaitlyn’s. Her family was her life. That much was obvious by the smile on her face and the way she looked at her husband with respect and admiration. It just wasn’t in me to barge into her life and demand answers that could possibly turn her whole world upside down. I didn’t want to hurt her like that. So instead, I hurt me.
I walked away without any answers so that she could be happy. That’s how much I fucking loved her. I just hoped the trust fund was enough to show her that I knew and that I cared. I wasn’t just walking away because I was a dickhead. I walked away because I couldn’t bear the thought of tearing her down by ruining her family. I couldn’t be a part of her life, but I could help provide for those boys’ futures. And if one of those boys just happened to be my son, then I could live peacefully, knowing I’d done right by him. He had a family—a mommy and a daddy who loved him very much. Then there was me, who he might never meet again—who may or may not be his biological father—but who loved him enough to help take care of him in his own way. A way that he, nor others, would ever truly understand unless they were in my shoes. I just hoped that Salem could see the situation through my eyes.
I plopped down into the backseat of Vance’s car. He was silent for several minutes while I sat there quietly, watching the scenery blur past the window.
Thoughts of Salem seeped into my head. She was fucking amazing. My admission of that fact stabbed me right in the chest, and suddenly I felt as though my heart had betrayed me. Kaitlyn was the only woman I’d ever loved. I hadn’t opened myself up for anyone like I had for her. I hadn’t let myself become as vulnerable for anyone like I had for her either. And then there was Salem, who marched back into my life unannounced and stole the very breath in my lungs on more than one occasion. It was scary, but it was fucking incredible. I didn’t really know what to think or how to feel.
All this time I’d thought there was only room in my heart for me to love one person. I was wrong. Just because I’d let go of one love didn’t mean I couldn’t open myself up to love again. Just because I’d allowed myself a little happiness after a soul-crushing loss like that didn’t mean my heart was betraying me. It just meant that I was moving beyond the pain of the past. It meant I was letting go, giving myself permission to find love again. It could happen. It was happening. It was so fucking beautifully tragic.
Vance’s voice jarred me from my thoughts. “Boss, you okay?”
“Oh, uh, yeah…” I stammered.
He watched me through the rearview mirror. “She must be somethin’,” he speculated.
“Yeah,” I nodded, already missing her. “She is somethin’.”
Vance and I spent the rest of the ride back to the hotel in silence. I needed to get my head in the game. This was a huge trip to New York. We were playing Madison Square Garden in just a few short days. We had meetings with our recording agents and marketing strategists. We had interviews on morning news shows and guest appearances on late night comedy shows. I needed to move past my spectacular weekend with that incredible woman and gear up for a busy week.
A couple of weeks had passed since our trip to New York. Chris had been traveling the northeast, selling out show after show. Each night that passed was another night that my longing for Chris grew exponentially. In some ways, I welcomed the feeling, but in other ways I kept my heart guarded. After all, he was still considered a rock god among the ladies, many of whom were more than willing to take advantage of any opportunity to spend time alone with him.
However, each night that we spoke on the phone, my apprehension momentarily disappeared. There was just something about his soothing, melodic voice and our deep conversations that put all of my fears at ease.
“I want to know more about you, Salem,” his voice poured from the receiver late one night. “I want to know everything.”
“Like what?” I asked, wondering what I could possibly tell him that he didn’t already know.
“I don’t know… your hopes, your dreams, your fears. Anything.”