We stood in silence. I stayed wrapped in his arms, comforting him until his sobs subsided.
I held back my own tears until I got back to my office. The minute I sat down on my chair, I let go. My moment with Malik helped me realize how much I meant to these kids. They need me, and I need them. I considered Alexis. What would she do without me? Who would get up in the middle of the night for her? As much as I despised having to do it, I knew no one would do it better for her than me. I needed help. I needed to talk to someone. But I was scared. How would it feel to reverse the role of counselor and client? How would it feel to tell my problems and admit my weaknesses to a stranger? Regardless of my fears, I knew I had to seek treatment. I dug through my purse for the card Dr. Raman had given me. Flipping it over, I dialed the number of the therapist he’d written on the back.
“Hi,” I said hesitantly when the receptionist on the other end of the line answered. “I need to schedule an appointment.”
Hell yeah! Today is the day I get to call home for the first time since I’ve been at Fairbanks. I’d been waiting for that day for way too long. I hated to admit it, but I missed my little brother, even if he was a pest.
I knew my mom was going to cry. I dreaded hearing that. I hated being the source of her tears. Just watching her cry those tears after we left visitation with dad was hard enough to handle. Knowing it was because of me that she’d be crying this time almost tore my fucking insides out. But, I couldn’t wait to hear her voice. I knew she’d been looking forward to this day too. I was sure she’d be sitting at the table, sipping her coffee and watching the daily news, anxiously awaiting my phone call.
Now if only I can only make it to 6pm. That was when I got to call her.
To help pass the time, I took out my journal… the one Mrs. H gave me after my first few sessions with her.
I don’t know what I would have done this time at Fairbanks without Mrs. H. Last time had been so different; there wasn’t a girl involved. This time I couldn’t fucking breathe most days, but Mrs. H had always been there. She had my back.
I’d been working on a song for her. Maybe I’ll get some more lyrics down today.
“Hey, baby,” my mom cooed through the phone.
“Hey, Mom,” I smiled at the sound of her oldies station on the radio in the background. It was a familiar sound that I’d actually started to miss.
“Oh my gosh, we’ve missed you around here, Chris.” Her voice wavered with emotion.
“Thanks, Ma. I’ve missed you guys too. How’s Mitch?” I sure did miss that little spitfire kid brother of mine.
“Mitch is great, honey. He misses you something fierce. The other night I found him asleep in your bed. He must have had a nightmare. You know how he sneaks into your room at night when he has those nightmares.” I could hear the sadness in her voice. I wasn’t there like I should have been. Just like dad wasn’t. I internally beat myself up for that daily.
“Yeah, I know,” I reminisced. I hated when my brother did that. So annoying. But at that moment, I would’ve given anything to give my brother a squeeze. He was a turd sometimes, but he was my brother, and I loved him.
She cleared her throat, changing the subject. “You eatin’ good, honey?”
Leave it to my mom to worry about me and my food intake. I guess that’s just typical though. I switched the receiver from one ear to the other and leaned against the metal frame of the pay phone. “Yeah. They feed us good. How’s dad? Have you heard from him lately?”
“I visited him last weekend. He’s been transferred over to Newcombe Correctional Facility for now because of overcrowding in Jackson County. He said he misses you and loves you very much. He’s proud of you, Chris. He can’t show you right now because of his situation, but I know how proud he is of you. The day you were born he told me that you were the best thing that had ever happened to him. All he ever wanted was to be a good father.”
“Tell dad I miss him and love him too. I know I messed up and landed myself back in here, but I can promise you it was for a good reason, Ma.” My mom knew my charges, but she didn’t really understand why I’d kicked the shit out of Trevor. She’d probably be proud of me if she knew. The fucking rapist that he is got what he deserved. “I know when I get outta here, Ma, I’m gonna make all this up to you. I’m going all the way. I’m gonna make you all proud.”
She sighed. “Honey, you do make us proud. Just do your time and come home, okay?” I could hear her fighting tears as she spoke. It broke my heart, just like I thought it would.