Then There Was You(28)

“Yeah,” Chris agreed, waving me over as he started scooting down the bench. “We’ll make room.”

I shook my head regretfully. “Sorry boys. I can’t today. I have some paperwork to finish. Maybe next week sometime?”

I was flattered that these guys enjoyed our lunchtime conversations. I tried to eat lunch with them at least once a week. It was like another group therapy session, just like our pick-up basketball games. We would laugh and talk the whole meal. They’d tell me about their families, reminisce about what they missed back home, and muse over their hopes and dreams for the future. In those few short moments I’d forget the mess my life was in back home.

“How about next Monday?” Chris asked with a smile tugging at his lips, which melted my heart. Who could say no to those deep, brown eyes and that adorable dimple?

I nodded, returning a smile. “Maybe Monday.”

Greg fist pumped the air. “Yes!”

My face beamed with pride. I really grew to love these kids. While my job was to help them spread their wings and prepare them for their long flight in life, some part of me always dreaded seeing them leave. Some I would see again. Others I wouldn’t. It was like a game of roulette. Once those kids left Fairbanks, it was all up to them. Sometimes the weight of the world was on my shoulders when I watched them walk down the sidewalk away from the gates of juvie. I just hoped at the end of the day, I’d done justice to their time here at Fairbanks.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Malik. He was sitting near Chris and Greg, but he hadn’t looked up from his tray since I’d been standing there. It looked as if he hadn’t touched a bite of his food either. I made a mental note to speak to him as soon as I could. Sitting several tables away, I saw Toombs. Toombs’s facial expression was flat. He slowly chewed his food, watching Malik. Malik was a big guy too, but nothing in comparison to Toombs. Malik was one of the toughest kids in juvie, but Toombs had a presence—one you feared. Toombs stared Malik down from across the room. Malik’s eyes never left his tray. What’s that about?





I was filing some paperwork in my office when Chris walked in for his session.

“How are you doing today, Chris?” I asked, smiling as he stepped into my office and plopped down on my sofa.

The grave look on his face gave me my answer. I didn’t understand. He seemed okay at lunch. I wondered what happened.

“Not too good,” he sighed.

“Why? What’s up? Wanna talk about it?”

With a typical teenage response, Chris shrugged his shoulders.

“What’s on your mind today?” I lightly pushed him for dialogue.

“I don’t know…” he said dejectedly.

“It always helps to get things off your chest.”

Looking out the window, Chris grumbled, “I don’t know. I just can’t get her out of my head, Mrs. Honeycutt. She’s all I ever think about. And not hearing from her after all those letters I’ve written… it kills me. This place sucks. I have no life. My dad’s in prison. When I lived at home, my mom was a walking zombie most days. Everything pretty much sucks right now.”

Chris tugged the knees of his pants while he spoke, gently rocking back and forth with pent up emotion. “I mean, sometimes I’m totally fine, you know. And then the next minute I feel like shit. Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world, and then I hit rock bottom again.”

Unfortunately I knew exactly what he meant.

He continued, staring at the floor while he muttered, “I’m sure people look at me and see a loser. A kid who can’t get his life straight. A kid who can’t stay out of trouble. I can hear it now. Adults whispering to each other, ‘he’ll never amount to anything.’”

He snapped his head up, fixing his gaze on me. His worried eyes pleaded for assurance from me. “Sometimes I worry that they might be right. I almost feel like there’s no point in my existence… no point in living. Know what I mean?”

Oh, I knew all right. In fact, I’d considered ending it all on more than one occasion, but Chris didn’t need to hear that. So, despite my own feelings of worthlessness, I wanted to help him see how important he truly was.

“Chris, you have so much to offer this world. You have friends and family that love you. You write inspiring words every day through your lyrics. Someday, someone out there is going to be touched by your songs. In fact, you can make a difference in someone’s life and not even know it.”

Chris huffed and stared blankly out the window, seemingly unconvinced.

I had to show him. I had to make him believe. “You don’t even realize it now, but you’re already making a difference in someone’s life right this very minute.”