“Still haven’t heard from Kaitlyn?” I asked, skipping ahead through the folded pages.
“Nah. I guess I never will,” he said and glanced to the floor.
“Don’t say that. You never know. She may be struggling as much as you are right now. You never know what’s going on in her life.”
“And that is what’s killing me—the not-knowing part.”
“Well, don’t give up hope. You never know what life has to offer,” I said, watching as Chris stared at the floor. “Do you mind if I keep reading?” I asked him.
“No, not at all,” he said, glancing up and eyeing the journal in my hand. “There are a few more open pages in there.”
“Okay, thanks,” I said as I eagerly turned the pages.
The next journal entry was a tough one. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Truth be told, it did bring tears to my eyes. I just didn’t let them fall until Chris was long gone from my office and out of my sight. The pain behind his words was almost unbearable—even to me. My heart ached for him. This poor, lost soul. This hurting, hopeless guy. Sometimes, Graham told me I carried too much of these burdens for my clients. Today was one of those days. I just couldn’t snap out of it.
Dear Kaitlyn,
The pain of losing you… I can’t describe it. It’s like a part of my soul has been ripped away from me. I can’t function without it. You are carrying a piece of my heart around with you and you don’t even realize it. Every night before I fall asleep, I pray that God is taking care of you. I’m not there to protect you. I’m not there to help you if he puts his hands on you again. God, Kaitlyn, this is killing me. I need you so bad right now! My heart aches like nothing I’ve ever felt before. You were like my center of gravity… always pulling me toward you. I’ve lost my gravity. I’ve lost my hope. I’ve lost you. Something tells me I will never get you back. You’ll move on in your life without me and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. Fate is not on our side in this. I can feel it in my soul. Our two worlds will never collide. I fear we will always be walking separate roads, never to cross paths again. I love you, Kaitlyn. I love you so much it hurts. I’m not sure I can live my life without you. You make life worth living. You make love worth loving. You make everything worth it all. Without you, I have nothing. You took your chisel and chipped away a piece of me that I will never get back. And I’m okay with that because you have always been worth it. If I never hear from you again, I hope you live the rest of your days knowing what that kind of love feels like.
Forever yours,
Chris
I sat solemnly at the dinner table that evening. I couldn’t get Chris’s journal entry out of my head. I could tell that the love he felt for Kaitlyn was strong. They were both so young, but love isn’t dictated by an age. Chris walked around Fairbanks a hollow shell. He needed to find healing in order to move forward. My heart ached for the brokenness I knew Chris was feeling. With an elbow on the table, I leaned my head down onto my hand and pushed my food around my plate with my fork.
“Jesus, Salem, you’ve got to stop bringing this stuff home with you,” Graham said as he slammed his fork down on the table.
“What do you mean?” I asked, jerking my head up to look at him. His blue eyes glared back at me below his furrowed eyebrows.
“Look at you. You’re a mess. You’ve barely touched your food. You’ve hardly spoken two words to me since you’ve been home—”
“You don’t get it, Graham.” I barked. “It’s not that easy to clock out at work and leave my emotions in my office.”
Graham pounded his fist on the table. “Why not? Why do you care so much for these kids? It’s affecting your family,” he grumbled.
I looked at his cold, unsympathetic expression. He was far too self-serving to be compassionate toward anyone who just needed someone else to care about them.
“For some of these kids, Graham, I’m all they’ve got. I see the system failing them every day. I hear what these kids are going through, what they’ve been through… it kills me. I care a lot about these kids. I’m sorry you can’t understand that!”
“I just wish you wouldn’t bring it home with you.”
“Yeah, well I wish a lot of things…” I quipped, tossing my fork onto my plate. Standing up, I left my dinner on the table and traipsed upstairs to my bed where I promptly fell asleep.
Within an hour, Graham opened the door. “She needs her bath,” he said, as he carried Alexis into the room and laid her on the bed.