“My mom was overreacting. I wanted kids, eventually. You were so excited at the prospect of a baby. I didn’t think things would progress the way they did.” They’d taken trying to conceive and allowed it to take over their life, to destroy their marriage. “Every time you had a negative result you shut me out.”
Her brows dipped in a frown. “I did?”
He nodded, remembering how much it had hurt to see her close in on herself. She’d stop talking to him for days. Then the days increased into weeks and finally to months. “You did. I started feeling like a sperm donor.” He didn’t mean to sound so bitter, but it hurt. For a long time he’d felt like she no longer wanted him. Like she’d been so consumed with her need for a child that she’d decided that was all he was good for, to help her reach a goal.
Her eyes went wide with shock. “What?”
Maybe holding back had been their problem. Lack of communication and keeping their individual thoughts, fears, and concerns locked away from the other. An uncomfortable churning took over his stomach. They should’ve let things out long ago.
“For years, you blamed me for not communicating enough with you, but you did the same thing with me. You pushed me away every time the results were negative.”
She gasped, shaking her head. “I—”
There was nothing left to lose. Why not tell her how he’d really felt? “I didn’t want to make love to you only when your temperature was just right!”
“But— I don’t—” She frowned.
“You did. God, Ariana,” he sighed and stood. The feeling of being caged in was getting the best of him. “Do you know what that did to me? I couldn’t hold you when you were upset. We couldn’t make love when we wanted. We lost the spontaneity. We lost the ability to talk to each other. To make matters worse, I didn’t know how to fix it every time you got a negative result.” He stopped, glanced at her pale face and dove on. “The void between us grew, and grew, until we were hardly ever together. And when we were, it felt forced.”
She stood up slowly. The soft lines of her body were visible through the thin material of her dress. Even in the midst of their divorce, he still wanted her. He’d wanted her since the first time he’d seen her, waiting to tutor him at the college library. He may have failed the class, but he’d gained the only woman to touch his heart.
He studied her petite form. It was clear from looking at her that things had taken a toll on her physically as well as emotionally. One of her favorite claims had been to say she had a hard time losing weight. He could see she’d lost a lot of her natural curves. He loved her curvy body. With everything they’d been through since their marriage went downhill, it was clear she’d stopped taking care of herself. Even in this smaller, more fragile version of her, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
“Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?”
He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “What was the point? You were consumed with your grief.” And he’d been consumed with work. “For a while when you finally got the first positive result, things seemed to have looked up.” Everyone always told him that there’s always calm before the storm. That had definitely been the case with them.
She licked her lips, but didn’t look away. “When I came out pregnant?” He heard the tremble return to her voice. After all this time, it was still hard for her to say the words.
“Yes. For those four months, it all felt so good again.” It really had. Like their life was back on track. Everything was going the way it was supposed to and their marriage had withstood a difficult moment. She’d been over the moon, and he was glad to see her smile again.
“Until I started to bleed,” she whispered and took a step in his direction, closing the distance between them.
He nodded. “It took years off my life to see you bleeding and in so much pain.”
She winced. “I didn’t realize—”
“That it would hurt me to see you like that? Have I really been that much of a jerk to give you that impression?”
At her quick shake of her head, some of his tension drained away. “No. You weren’t ever uncaring. I was so consumed in my own loss that I didn’t realize it hurt you too.”
He’d never be able to close his eyes and not see her tears or screams when she’d realized what was going on. It would haunt him forever.
The ground shook again. Ari didn’t think twice. Instinct pushed her to him when he held out a hand for her. This time when he held her, she was much more aware of his body heat surrounding her. His scent—pure male with a hint of musk she’d always identify as him—ignited a small flame inside her. He still wore the same cologne she’d favored.