"That was ten years ago, Heidi! And he's different with you."
I snorted. "Yeah, right."
"Um, can I cut in?" Julia asked. "I didn't know Landon ten years ago. I don't really know him now. But I do know that he has been awful at work since you left. I have never seen a grown man mope like that."
"Jesus," I said. I leaned my head back and sighed. "I don't know. Okay? I don't know anything. I don't really even want to be discussing this. I lost my job and boyfriend all in one day. I am broken and beaten and depressed. My heart is an empty wasteland where Landon Wright used to occupy. And I want things to go back to the way they were. But how can I be with someone who was so careless with the thing I held most dear? It's not something that is going to be fixed overnight."
"Okay," Emery said slowly. "We didn't mean to push. I think you should talk to Jensen when you're ready. Even if that's not today."
"It's a good idea," Julia agreed. "Keeping this all bottled up does not help. Trust me, I know. I've been in therapy for years, trying to get over my crazy ex. I wish I'd had friends like you and Emery back then. Running away doesn't always solve the problem. That's all I'm saying."
"Yeah, maybe. I know your situation is so crazier than this, Julia," I said with a sigh. "I don't know. I'll think about it, okay?"
Emery and Julia nodded. They couldn't ask for more than that. I wasn't prepared to give more than that.
I held up the dress still in my hand. "What were you trying to get me to buy this for anyway?"
"Charity Benefit," Julia said.
I groaned. "You thought I'd go to the Wright event after this week? Are you out of your minds?"
They glanced at each other and shrugged.
"Maybe a little," Emery said.
"We could make it a girls' trip," Julia said. "Free champagne?"
"No."
"Humph," Emery muttered. "Just think about it."
"No."
"I'm buying the dress," Julia said, ignoring my protests. "Just as a backup. In case you change your mind and go with us."
That wasn't happening.
But, in the end, I couldn't change their minds. And the dress came home with me.
Still, my mind wandered back to Landon. Even though I didn't want it, too. I wondered what he was doing. If he had been getting drunk with Austin every night, like Emery had said. If he had been moping around, like Julia had said. If he was hurting as much as I was. My heart ached with the loss of him. I'd only just gotten him … only just fallen in love … and then it had all been tragically ripped away.
I couldn't turn back the clock.
We'd known it was wrong, but it'd felt so damn right.
Now, it was all up in flames.
Thirty-Six
Landon
Day four of no response from Heidi.
Not even a text telling me to fuck off and leave her alone.
I was going totally insane. The only thing keeping me from banging her door down was the reassurance from Emery and my family that Heidi needed time.
Time.
That sick fucker.
It was turning into my least favorite word in existence. Something I had no control over. Something that constantly hounded me. Something that was impossible to run from or escape.
An endless snake eternally eating its tail.
Laughing at me.
And how finite my life was.
I brushed aside the thoughts that continued to plague me and sent Austin's third call to voice mail. I knew he wanted to go out and drink. We'd done it every night since Heidi was unceremoniously fired and then dumped me. It had been a welcome reprieve from the ache that was so brutal, it was a fissure in my chest. But I needed a night away from it all. To be alone and decide my next move.
Without even knowing exactly where I was going, I pulled into the cemetery parking lot and cut the engine. It was a clear night, and the moon hung heavy in the sky as I stepped out of the car, threw on a North Face jacket from the backseat, and wandered out among the gravestones.
When my mom had died, I'd only been seven, and cemeteries had creeped me out for a long time after that. But, when my dad had died, I'd just stopped coming. I'd told Heidi that I wanted to introduce her to my parents when we were official, but the truth was … I hadn't been out here more than a handful of times since they passed. And never alone.
But I felt drawn here tonight.
No more alcohol.
No more wasted nights.
No more forgetting.
I found my parents buried next to each other in the middle of the cemetery. They had ostentatious headstones that couldn't be missed. The word Wright was in big letters on each of them. I sank into the grass between my mom and dad and just stared, unseeing. It was enough to be out there tonight and let my parents take the brunt of my pain.