The Winner's Game(102)

She stops when she realizes I’m awake.

When I ask her what’s wrong, she says, “Nothing,” but I know it’s a lie.

When I ask her how I’m doing, she says, “You’ve been better, but you were a lot worse yesterday afternoon. The doctors aren’t quite sure how your heart kept going, but it did, and you’re stable now.”

My eyes are focusing fine now. I look down to find all sorts of wires and gizmos running in and out of me. “So…I’m going to make it?”

“You still need a transplant,” she says carefully, “but for now, they think you’re OK. At least, you’re in no more imminent danger than you were before. But just to be sure, they’re hoping to keep you in their sights until they find a heart. You’re number one on the list now, so that’s good. Just need to find a match.”

Mom was choking up as she spoke, but now, all of sudden, she’s sobbing.

“What’s wrong?”

There is a box of tissues next to her chair. She grabs a handful and dabs at her eyes. “Well,” she starts, trying hard to hold it together, “it turns out there’s another girl in the hospital right now…who’s a very good match for you.” A flood of giant tears flow from her eyes. She dabs again and continues, keeping her gaze on the floor. “The girl is alive, but she’s…not doing well. There’s a good chance she won’t make it. And so if she dies, well…it means you’ll have your new heart.”

Now Mom finally looks up at me, and I see something in her eyes that makes my stomach turn. I’ve never seen anyone so broken in all my life. Suddenly it hits me. “You mean…Bree is a match?”

Now I’m bawling too. Mom is so stricken that she just buries her face in her hands.

As the enormity of the situation overcomes me, I have to lie back on my pillow. I can’t look at my mother right now, all broken and torn. I close my eyes, squeezing out the last remaining tears, and lie there for what feels like forever, drowning in the thoughts that fill my head.

I’ve dreamed of finding a donor for months, but not like this. This is all wrong. I’d honestly rather die than live with my sister’s heart beating in my chest.

Any heart but hers! God, do you hear me? Any heart but Bree’s! If you take her, you have to take me too!

What good would a new heart do me anyway if I can’t enjoy my new lease on life with my little sister? I need a heart to be able to swim and run again, but why bother if I can’t swim circles around Bree in the pool, or run her out of my room when she gets into my stuff?

No, this is all wrong.

“I don’t want it,” I tell my mom eventually. “If she doesn’t make it, give her heart to someone else.”

“You know she’d want you to have it, right? Just like she wanted you to have that date with Tanner.”

I can’t respond. I can’t entertain the thought right now. I know Mom is right, but it hurts too much to admit, because then I might also have to admit that the only reason Bree is in this condition is…

Because she loves me.

There is a quiet rapping on the door. A second later my dad pokes his head in and then enters all the way. Cade isn’t far behind.

Dad comes straight for my bed and gives me a hug. I can tell he’s been crying too.

After he lets go of me, he bends down next to Mom and wraps his arms around her, as though he’s somehow shielding her from the awfulness of the situation.

“How is she?” asks Mom.

“The same.”

“One of us should be upstairs with her. In case she wakes up.”

Or in case she doesn’t.

“I know,” Dad says. “We should all be with her. Which is why I’ve gotten approval to have Ann moved up to Bree’s room. Some nurses should be here shortly to wheel her up.”

I lie back down on my pillow and close my eyes. This is all so surreal; I wish closing my eyes would just make it all go away. I remember when we were in Grandma Grace’s room not too long ago, when she nearly died, and I was kind of curious to see what would happen. Well, now I don’t feel that way at all. They are taking me to my sister’s room, so we can be with her in her darkest hour, but I can’t bear the thought of being there should she pass away.

Please, God, not my sister…





              Chapter 40





Cade




FOUR DAYS. That’s how long we’ve been at the hospital. Not straight through—we’ve gone home a couple times to change clothes and stuff—but mostly we’ve just been here hanging out with Ann and Bree.