He wasn’t about to let her go without a fight.
“Do you ever think about just…leaving?” She closed her eyes. “Sometimes I fantasize about getting in a car and driving until I find some tiny little town where no one’s heard of the O’Malleys and where everyone knows everyone else and things are just simpler.”
“I’ve thought about it.” But he’d never left for the same reason she hadn’t. Family. “I figure those small-town people have their own problems and secrets and bullshit. It’s the human condition.”
“Maybe. Or maybe that’s just what we have to tell ourselves not to take out a gun and put it in our mouths.”
He froze. “What?” No fucking way was she talking about what he thought she was talking about.
“Not me.” She opened her eyes and grabbed his hand. “I’m not talking about me. I swear. I love life too much to go down like that. I’ll have to be dragged from this world, kicking and screaming, no matter how shitty things get. But I worry about my sisters.”
He watched the expressions play across her face. “They’re strong.”
“That’s what I keep telling myself, but I don’t know if I believe it anymore. My brother’s death changed a lot of things. Everyone is so much more brittle now.” She stroked her hand down his arm, starting at his shoulder and moving over every muscle. “My brothers are so angry and afraid, even if they try to cover the latter with the former. I don’t think my baby sister has spent more than a half an hour sober since we were hustled out of town after all that shit went down. And Sloan…” Her eyes darkened. “She’s a ghost of the woman she used to be.”
He knew all about how the death of someone beloved could change everything—ruin everything. But this wasn’t about him. It was about saying what was necessary to comfort Carrigan. “It won’t always be like this.”
“Oh, no doubt something even more horrible will come along and push our already teetering family off the cliff.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He was seriously worthless as this comforting bullshit, but that wasn’t going to stop him from trying. “Your family is strong. Your parents will hold things together and your siblings will find their feet. Life will go on, whether anyone wants it to or not. This tragedy won’t break you—any of you.” He brushed her hair back. “I don’t know if I’ve said how fucking sorry I am that it happened. I didn’t give the order, but it doesn’t matter. It was Halloran men who did it.” Ricky who did it.
“I won’t lie and say it’s okay.” Her eyes shone, but no tears fell. “Devlin was too good for this life. I think any one of us would have stepped in front of that bullet to give him a second chance at life. But…it’s not your fault. When you live the lives we do, your family has a nasty tendency not to tell the right hand what the left hand is doing.”
Wasn’t that the fucking truth. He traced over her cheekbone and down to her bottom lip with his thumb. “I know. But I am sorry. I wish—”
“We all do.” She sat up, the move knocking his hands away. “There’s no use talking about it. It’s over and done with. Practically ancient history.”
What the fuck? James sat up, too. He didn’t realize what she planned until she lurched off the bed and reached for her dress. “What are you doing?”
“I gave you tonight. We’re done now.”
It took him a full five seconds to hear and process her words. “No fucking way. Get your ass back in my bed.”
She shimmied into her dress. “This has been fun—too much fun—but it’s over now.”
He could barely believe she was doing this now. It was stone cold. James scrubbed a hand over his face. “It’s over when I say it’s over. We have a long way to go before that, lovely. I said I love you and I fucking meant it.”
She froze, her back to him. “Well, that’s just too damn bad. I’m not responsible for how you feel. I didn’t ask you to fall for me. I know how to keep my emotions in check.”
“Liar.” He was on his feet before making the decision to move. “You’re running scared. Again.”
“What I’m doing is going home before my brothers follow through on their threats to start another goddamn war. We lost too much last time. I’m not letting that rest on my head.”
It was an excuse, and not even a good one. If she’d wanted to avoid the threat of war, she never would have called him in the first place, let alone come out here with him. “Don’t you ever get tired of dancing to whatever tune your family sets?”