The Virgin Duet(35)

The night plays through my head over and over again. This man confuses me. One minute he looks at me like I hang the moon, then the next it’s like he doesn’t want to be seen with me. One thing is clear: I don’t fit in here and I don’t belong. If I stay I’ll only fall deeper in love with him. Because I am in love with him. I need to get out now.

He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. When it’s just him and me, it’s like I’m his everything. It feels like I’m his oxygen and he needs me to breathe, but when the outside world seeps in, I feel like I’m his dirty little secret. Maybe even his addiction. But is he addicted to me or the sex?

The men I’ve known all my life would do anything for sex. They’ll lie¸ steal, cheat, buy it, and even take it. This arrangement started off with me being his live-in cook and house cleaner, which is ridiculous because the only messes I seem to clean are my own. If Bray got takeout or delivery, it would cost way less than what he’s paying me every week. This arrangement makes me his whore. No, not his whore; in this world I would be his mistress.

When I first presented that idea to Bray in his office that day, to sell him my virginity, I did it to make him mad. I don’t think I would’ve really done it, but they say everyone has their price. But then he shot me down and I was relieved. Relieved that he wouldn’t do that, that I was worth more to him. We are kidding ourselves though, because that’s exactly what I am now.

He works all day, comes home, eats dinner and fucks me all night. Then the next day he’s gone. He never takes me anywhere, nor does he seem to make an effort to be with me more than just at night. He slides me in when he has the time, placing me at the bottom of his list. Now that I’ve got a taste of what passion can be and what love can feel like, that’s what I want. And I want it from Bray. That’s a silly dream though. Girls like me don’t end up with men like Bray. Women like Chelsea end up with him.

The worst part is I can’t say one bad thing about her. She is utterly likable in every way. Not only that, but she fits in with Bray. When I tried to fit in, I failed. The look on his face tonight when he saw me was crushing. Not until he could see that I was upset did he try to correct the problem. And I can’t help but think it was just to soothe me so I’d be more docile for the evening.

I tried for him, something I told myself I’d never do, and it still isn’t enough. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Try to be something I’m not. Never once has it worked. We can’t change who we are, it’ll always bleed through. And I don’t want to change how I am. I love who he is, and smudging his straight lines, causing havoc in his world is what makes me love him more.

The morning light starts to flood through the large glass windows, casting light across the room. The remnants of my dress lie destroyed on the floor. Now the dress doesn’t seem so ‘not me’ anymore. He told me hated the thing when he ripped it from me. It also seems he didn’t like me out in public with him. I tried to fit into his world, to be what he wanted, instead of just plain old me. It wasn’t enough and it’s time for me to go.

I feel a light kiss on my neck and Bray slides from the bed. It’s Saturday but I’m sure he’s going to work. He works every day without exception. I’ve tried to bait him to stay home a few times but my efforts are fruitless.

I lie there, pretending to be a sleep while I listen to him do his morning routine. I haven’t spent much of the money he’s given me over the past month. I have over five grand stashed because he’s been paying me in cash. That’s more than enough to hold me over for a while, until I can find myself a job, maybe even a little apartment.

The thought of never seeing Bray again rips at my heart, but if I don’t do this sooner rather than later it will only be worse. It’s better to make a clean break, fast and quick. I’m sure he’ll find someone else to take my place. Now that he has this craving for sex he can’t seem to sate, he’ll also find out that I’m nothing special. A warm body is a warm body, and maybe he can find one that isn’t so embarrassing. One that he can take out with him in public, and that he doesn’t have to hide away in his home.

When I feel his lips press to mine, I open my eyes and deepen the kiss. It’s my last taste of Bray and I want to remember it. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’ve misread everything and I’m throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Pulling back I look up at him.

“Stay home with me today,” I plead, showing everything I feel in my eyes. “Maybe we can go out, get some lunch, and go to the park or something. It’s been forever since I went to a museum. I saw the Salvador Dali exhibit is in town. I would love to see it.” He raises his eyebrows as if he’s contemplating it. I silently beg for him to stay. Show me that I mean more, that you aren’t embarrassed to be out with me.