Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
He wasn’t breaking down. Not tonight. Not here.
It was just a wedding. They were just people. It was just conversation.
He could do this.
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
Slowly, the panic began to subside.
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
He opened his eyes. The tunnel vision was easing. The spinning was slowing down, and his heart didn’t feel like it was going to explode out of his chest. His hands were still shaking, and his knees still felt like they might drop out from under him, but even that was getting better. Slowly but surely, he was coming back to earth.
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
Once he was steady on his feet, he took a paper towel and dabbed the sweat from his forehead and neck.
He shrugged off his jacket and draped it over the stall doors. Then he splashed some cold water on his face, and dried off again. A few more deep breaths, and he was almost back to normal. Thank God—and his therapist—he’d gotten the hang of recognizing a panic attack before it started, and most of the time he could talk himself down before it got out of hand. Maybe it was time to take the doc up on her offer of anxiety medication. He was usually fine, but damn, when he wasn’t…
He met his own gaze in the mirror. If anyone walked in right now, they wouldn’t know anything had ever been wrong. He gave himself another minute or so, just to be sure, and then he put his jacket back on, checked the mirror again and left the men’s room to rejoin the other guests.
He could handle this. It was just a room full of people. It wasn’t like those conferences he’d given up on attending early in his career. He couldn’t get through one of those without feeling like he was drowning, so he’d deferred to his colleagues, who thrived in that environment, and stayed at the office while they rubbed elbows and talked up their product. The pressure to impress people out of millions of dollars had been too much.
All he had to do here was be polite. Smile. Carry on a conversation. Then go home and puke.
“Hey, you.” Beth materialized beside him, a glass of champagne in her hand, and her brow creased with worry. “You okay? You disappeared for a little while.”
“I am now, yeah. I just, uh…” He gestured at the room with his drink. “Crowds.”
She grimaced. “I thought so. But you’re—”
“I’m fine now. Promise.”
“Are you—”
“I’m sure.”
She eyed him but then shrugged. “Okay. But come find me if you’re not, all right?”
“Will do.” He gestured at the other guests. “What about you? Having a good time?”
“Eh. As good a time as I can have when Mom’s trying to hook me up with anything that has a good name and a set of balls.”
Matt snorted. “As she does.”
“As she does.” Beth rolled her eyes. “In fact…” She looked past him and groaned. “Here she comes now.”
He glanced over his shoulder. Sure enough, Mom was on her way over with someone he’d never seen before, and the way she was smiling and gesturing at Beth, it didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on.
“You need me to bail you out?”
“No, I’ve got this.” In an exaggerated Southern accent, she added, “If you’ll excuse me, I have a gentleman suitor who wishes to make my acquaintance.”
Matt laughed, and as she walked past him, they elbowed each other. Well, at least he wasn’t the only one being paraded around. He silently wished his sister luck and sighed. Aspen Mill weddings might as well be held in meat markets these days.
Dara had the right idea tonight. Even if she’d been invited, she wouldn’t have come, and if he knew her, she was kicked back on the couch right now in a faded T-shirt and jeans, probably binge-watching whatever cop drama she was addicted to these days. Or cursing a blue streak into her headset while she kicked ass on Call of Duty.
“Fucking campers,” he could hear her snarling. “Keep hiding like a bunch of pussies, and I’m shoving grenades up every one of your newbie asses.”
He chuckled, but his stomach was in knots. God, he envied her.
And for that matter, as he scanned the crowd for the women he’d been introduced to this evening, he couldn’t picture any of them kicked back beside him playing video games or snarking over pornos or cracking jokes until the other wasn’t in a bad mood anymore.
He wasn’t being fair, though. He’d known Dara forever. Julie was new. All the women here were new. It wasn’t realistic to expect to click completely at first sight. He just needed to get a grip and see where things went.
At the bar, he ordered a ginger ale, tipped the bartender and quickly swallowed a migraine pill just to be safe. After all, he still had to drive himself home tonight.