‘I have no complaint to make.’
‘And yet I cannot be the husband you want me to be, Anwyn, any more than I was for Freya.’
‘What happened to Freya was not your fault.’
His face was suddenly devoid of expression. ‘You speak of what you do not know.’
‘I know you were not responsible for the fever epidemic. You told me before that it killed hundreds. Your being there would not have changed anything, except perhaps by adding your death to theirs.’
‘You don’t know how often I have wished for that.’
‘It would not bring them back.’
‘I’m well aware of it.’
‘Then perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself, Wulfgar.’
He kept his voice level. ‘When I want an opinion on the matter I’ll ask for it.’
‘I did not mean to be presumptuous.’
‘Then don’t tell me what I should do.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that. I only—’
‘Leave it, Anwyn. It’s over and done with.’
Her gaze locked with his. ‘Is it?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Until you face the past you cannot move on.’
‘I said leave it.’
There followed a strained silence. Wulfgar took a deep breath, mentally counting to ten. He had spoken more harshly than he’d intended, but then he’d been caught off guard, something that Anwyn was confoundedly good at doing. He didn’t want to quarrel, but neither was he going to the place she wanted him to revisit. Even more disturbing was her growing attachment for him. When he had embarked on this relationship he had never anticipated that it would become more than the marriage of convenience she had described. Yet somehow it had happened anyway. Nor was the attachment all on her side. If he stayed longer, it would just make things worse. It was a mess, and that fact only pointed out the truth of what he had told her at the start.
‘Have you seen enough here?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Then I’ll escort you home.’
They walked back towards the waiting horses, but neither one spoke. Once she glanced at his face, but its expression was closed to her. Only a few inches separated them, but it seemed to Anwyn that the distance between them had widened to a yawning gap.
Chapter Nineteen
Although he would have liked to forget it, the conversation stayed with Wulfgar in the days that followed. He was not the husband Anwyn needed and deserved, but he could at least provide her with security of another kind. When he left Drakensburgh it would be in the knowledge that she was safe with a strong defensive force at her disposal. The new recruits, having been bloodied in combat, had grown in confidence, and their commitment and determination increased in proportion.
‘They’re shaping up well,’ said Hermund, as he and Wulfgar stood watching the latest training session from the sidelines.
‘Aye, they are. They’ll be quite capable of defending the place when we leave.’
‘Have you decided when that might be? Only some of the men were asking.’
Wulfgar nodded. ‘It’s a fair question. I’ll think on it.’
In truth, there was no reason why the Sea Wolf could not sail in the near future. Leaving Anwyn and Eyvind was going to be a wrench, but the longer he stayed the worse it would be. Better for all concerned if he made it sooner rather than later. Besides, he had an obligation to his men, and business with Rollo awaited. He must speak to Anwyn and tell her what was afoot. He owed her that much. All the same it wasn’t something he relished doing. Not because he thought she would create a scene, but because he knew that what he had to impart would hurt her. It was becoming a bad habit.
The matter weighed on his mind. For a while work enabled him to forget about it, but in his leisure moments it returned to haunt him. Anwyn was the first to notice his preoccupation. Although he remained attentive and continued to treat her with gentleness, he seemed somehow to have withdrawn from her. At first she wondered whether it had something to do with their earlier disagreement, but he had never adverted to it in any way afterwards. His mood puzzled her, and with that came a feeling of uneasiness. Unwilling to tax him with it, she hoped it was merely a phase that would pass.
On several occasions she rode out with him to inspect the progress of the rebuilding work. It was coming along apace.
‘The new dwellings will be ready as planned by the end of the month,’ he said.
She nodded and smiled, but those last few words put her in mind of something else—a half-buried hope that she had not given utterance. Her last flux had not come. After Torstein’s death she had abandoned the precautions she had taken to avoid conception; she had had no need of them. However, neither had she resumed them following her marriage to Wulfgar. It hadn’t been a deliberate decision as such; it was more that the fierce desire to prevent another pregnancy was absent and she had let the matter drift. Indeed, until recently, she had forgotten about it. Had Wulfgar’s seed taken root in her? Being unsure as yet she had not mentioned the possibility to him. Now, with this strange mood upon him, she wondered what his reaction might be. Their original business arrangement had become something that neither of them had intended and yet, perversely, both of them had desired. On her part desire had subsequently blossomed into a far stronger emotion. On his part…she did not know. Despite his kindness, he had never actually said that he loved her. The knowledge brought a twinge of sadness.
‘Are you all right, Anwyn?’
His voice drew her back to reality with a jolt. ‘Forgive me, I was just thinking.’
‘You looked totally preoccupied.’ He eyed her curiously. ‘What’s on your mind?’
She forced a smile. ‘Many things, but nothing I can identify precisely.’
He didn’t pursue it and the conversation turned to other matters. They lingered another half-hour or so and then turned the horses for home. However, they had covered no more than half the distance before Wulfgar turned aside and reined in by the stream. Anwyn looked around and recognised the spot at once; they had visited it together when first he came to Drakensburgh.
‘Will you get down and walk with me awhile?’ he asked.
‘Of course.’
He tethered their mounts and, taking her hand, led her along the bank to the place where they had been before. There he spread his cloak on the grass and sat down to join her. However, his mood was different now with no hint of that former playfulness. The look in his eyes was almost sombre and she felt the first twinge of unease.
‘Is something wrong, my lord?’
‘Not wrong, but we have to talk, Anwyn.’
Her uneasiness increased. ‘You have something to tell me?’
‘There is no easy to way to say this so I must be direct.’ The blue gaze met hers and held it. ‘The defence of Drakensburgh is complete and very soon now my men and I will depart.’
It had come, then. Of course, he had told her this at the outset. It was part of their agreement. Nevertheless, the effect was like a punch under the solar plexus. She drew a sharp breath, fighting the sudden sickness in her stomach.
‘I see.’ She was surprised to discover how level her voice sounded.
‘I gave them my word on this long since. And, of course, there is our arrangement with Rollo.’ He paused. ‘However, you will be well protected. The men are not only highly trained, they have been tested in battle.’
‘Yes.’
‘To make doubly certain I will leave a few hand-picked members of my crew as well. You will also have Ina. He’s a good man.’
‘Yes.’
‘He will look after things here in my absence.’
She took another deep breath. ‘When must you go?’
‘In a few weeks probably, once we have finished the work on the new dwellings and re-provisioned the ship.’
‘Will you be gone for long?’
‘Long enough, I think. It’s impossible to be sure.’
‘I shall miss you.’
‘And I you. Our time together has been good, has it not?’
Anwyn clasped her knees tightly. ‘It has been better than good.’ The depth of that understatement only increased the bleakness in her heart.
‘I’m glad you think the same.’
‘How could I not? With you I have found a happiness I did not know existed.’
‘I, too, have been…most happy.’
Summoning all her courage, she forced herself to ask the next question. ‘Will I ever see you again, Wulfgar?’
For a fleeting moment his expression registered something like pain. ‘If the gods so will it.’
Her knuckles whitened. ‘I pray they do.’
‘I wish I could make you a promise to return, but war is an uncertain business.’ He put his arms about her and drew her to his chest, kissing her bright hair. ‘But I shall not forget the time I have shared with you.’
Anwyn held him tightly and closed her eyes, holding the moment and trying to shut out the prospect of all the years ahead without him.