"Mazel tov. I'm very proud of you," he said.
"Thank you." I debated telling him about the gogota, letting him know what the Brotherhood was up to because I'd be willing to bet he had no idea. But I didn't. Today was about celebration. Plenty of time to fight again tomorrow.
Placing one hand on the table, he pushed to his feet. "I'm going to speak with Ari and then update the Brotherhood." His eyes crinkled in a smile. "So glad I correctly performed the induction with your brother in the proper frame of mind this time." Movements slow but full of dignity, he left.
I lay my head on the table, exhausted. All the terror I'd held in both before and during the ceremony kicked in, leaving me shaky. It wasn't that I could have died but that I could have screwed up and hurt Ari somehow. There were so many ways this could have gone wrong, and the fact that it went right kind of overwhelmed me.
I'd done it. Me. I'd stuck to my convictions and Ari was now Rasha. Once more on track for his destiny. I couldn't believe that I'd be getting my brother back down the hall from me, fighting with me and I couldn't wait to see what magic power he manifested. Like all Rasha, it would be tied to some aspect of his personality. I stood, wondering if I'd learn some deep dark secret about my twin when it did.
"That was incredible," Rohan said.
"Thanks," I mugged. I carried Rabbi Abram's glass over to the sink. "I was pretty fucking glorious if I do say so myself."
That got the requisite smile as Rohan walked over to me. "Agreed." He shifted. "Nava." Ah man, that was the reluctant solemn tone that signaled the start of "we need to talk." I knew I should have officially broken things off. I'd stupidly assumed he'd do the gentlemanly thing after his talk with Lily and go away so I never had to see him again.
Bring it, Snowflake. "Yes?"
"I'm not doing this anymore."
Join the club. "It was a good ride while it lasted." What was this brutal disappointment coursing through me? We only love what we don't fully possess. Maybe that was it. Not love, obviously, but we'd both possessed and been possessed. There was nothing left to want. We had an expiration date, and this was it.
"A good ride," he repeated.
"Yeah," I said. "Our hook-up was the ultimate in escapism. This admittedly amazing –" I decided to soften the blow to his ego because he was staring at me incredulously, "orgasmic drug I'd been using to keep myself happy in the face of my life turning upside down."
My words hit me with the force of an epiphany. Wow. I really and truly didn't need Rohan to help me escape my reality anymore. No matter what the future held, demons, misogynistic rabbis, I'd face it head on. Maybe it would be lonely, maybe not, but I wouldn't be alone in the dark. I'd have me. If only all of Samson's victims had realized the same thing about themselves. He'd never have been able to peddle his lifestyle as the only game in town, never have been able to feed off the envy and misery he inspired.
I'd told myself a million times that it was over between Rohan and myself, but I'd been saying it for all the wrong reasons. Lily's presence in his life was irrelevant. I'd miss it, miss him in that way, but I didn't need him to fill some void or fear. "I don't need this anymore."
"No, you don't." Rohan's lips curved up in a small smile. "But this isn't about need."
"Then what is it about?"
He braced his hands on the cabinets behind me, one on either side of my head, trapping me.
I flattened myself against the bamboo wood. No. He couldn't. He wouldn't.
He did.
Rohan kissed me. My body stiffened with the first touch of his lips. Alarm bells clanged in my head.
He knew the rules.
And I knew what I did when people broke the rules: run away very fast. But I couldn't move. Not because he was forcing me, though I'd have been very happy to blame my inaction on some kind of paralytic in his lips. No, I could have easily broken off the kiss, but I was powerless to do so.
Rohan didn't touch any other part of me, making me focus on the sensation of his mouth on mine. He kissed me leisurely, like we had all the time in the world and not like the merest brush of his lips had lit me up like a pinball machine on full tilt.
The kiss was uncomplicated and all the more shocking because of it.
I tentatively relaxed, kissing him back. His hand cupping the back of my neck, Rohan kissed me like I was precious. I was a dry river bed flooded by a giddy rush. The sensation tore mercilessly through me, ripping through all my defenses leaving them broken dams.