He tried to wipe the indelible smile off his face but failed. He couldn’t help how happy he was. Not only was he getting married, but little Duncan had warmed up to Sara like a child would to his own mother. It was truly touching seeing them together. Maybe he wouldn’t have to annul the marriage after all. Maybe by the end of the year, he would feel like they were a family, and stop punishing himself for his past sins. God knew Nicholas wanted someone to love him and someone whom he could love back. He was on the road to that kind of love with Sara. They only needed more time, the time afforded to them by pledging themselves to each other today.
Hopefully the time he spent wooing her after the wedding would suffice to heal his shame-ridden heart and create the possibility for a lasting marriage, without the nagging scandal that now hung over them. If it were only up to him, he would commit to eternity this instant, but he feared his selfish motives would lead to more pain for Sara. He was still deeply wounded, not sure if he would ever be whole enough to be a good husband. Yet he felt a bit of hope that possibly Sara had faith in him that he could be the man of her dreams. The man she deserved.
He only wished Sara’s parents could make it to the wedding. When he questioned her about their attendance, she turned quiet and changed the subject. Not at all like the Sara he’d grown to care for over the past few days. Nicholas decided to allow the subject to drop. After all, they hadn’t provided her a dowry, so it was not surprising they cared so little about their daughter's nuptials. Obviously, they weren’t a close family. He wanted to remedy that as soon as possible, when he made his surprise visit to them after the honeymoon.
Nicholas stretched out of his bed and went to the bath. He wasn’t one to admit his affinity for the bath, considering only women bathed daily, but it felt good on his sore muscles. He had been up late the past few nights making sure everything was in place for his new bride. He had paid a very high price to have her room redecorated but it was to be a surprise for her. The finishing preparations were completed early that morning, and his body was paying for it.
He washed himself and hummed a tune then his valet came in to dress him. Sara had chosen a beautiful velvet coat with gold buttons for him to wear. She had no idea the gold was solid, but it wasn’t as if he couldn’t afford it. He wanted to spare no expense. Lady Fenton actually shed a tear when he also paid for Sara's wedding dress. In all honesty, Lady Fenton was more emotional than Sara. You’d think she was the one getting married with as much fuss as she had made over the decorations and food.
What had once seemed a strained relationship between the two women had now blossomed into a fairytale. They poured themselves over plans for the wedding, and Nicholas often found them giggling in the corner like schoolgirls. He smiled and rolled his eyes but silently thanked the Lord above that Sara had been given such a gracious and loving aunt.
Though he trusted her with his past, Nicholas had never particularly enjoyed his cousin's company, but now that Sara was in his life, his fondness for Lady Fenton grew at alarming speed. He was even contemplating having her become Duncan’s stand-in grandmother, since his own parents were gone.
He gazed into the mirror and smiled; his face would fall off if he kept this ridiculously joyful expression pasted there much longer. His valet rolled his eyes and mumbled something about a lovesick school boy, stopping Nicholas dead in his tracks.
Good God, it had happened so swiftly and almost as easily He was besotted, lovesick and totally vulnerable. He was in love. The thought choked him up. His valet was right. Nicholas was disgustingly sick over his love for Sara. It wasn’t even lust anymore, for when he thought about her, it was her smile and her character that inhabited his mind. Granted, when he touched her, or even allowed his eyes to venture over her body, his rakish side responded in other ways, but wasn’t it good to have lust and love? Hadn’t he only recently discovered it was possible to entertain both emotions?
Nicholas shook his head. His desire was for more than her body. It was for her mind, her soul, her entire heart. He wanted it all.
Could he tell her? Should he tell her? He couldn’t. He needed to prove himself first, prove himself worthy. Rejection would be too painful if Sara didn’t feel the same way. He had hurt her deeply in so many ways, and she still agreed to marry him. But was it pity? Or her family's need for money? Both were possibilities. Regardless, they had become friends, and she cared for him too—of this he was certain. But Nicholas doubted he was worth loving, the way that a man should be loved by his wife. And it was for this reason he had to prove himself worthy.