“I must say we are shocked to hear rumors of an engagement. We came here straight away to see if there was any truth to them!” Lady Jersey crowed with her attention fixed upon Sara.
Sara blushed, which apparently was all the ladies needed in confirmation. They continued chattering like chickens until more ladies were escorted in. The Duchess and Lady Jersey took their leave, and the rest of the afternoon went painfully similar. Women would ask bold questions, Sara would blush, they would gasp, and Lady Fenton would take a sip of tea and say, “I always knew Sai would reform my dear cousin. She is too delicious for him to resist.” The ladies would then share a laugh, look in Sai's direction again, and sigh.
Sai wanted to run screaming into the carriage-filled street. The afternoon was nearly over when another guest entered the house. Sai, not realizing the guest was masculine, huffed bitterly to herself before lifting her eyes.
Nicholas Renwick stood in front of her, all six feet of him. He seemed larger than last night; then again, the darkness and the kissing probably fuzzed her mind. She swallowed with difficulty and tilted her head down, motioning for him to take a seat. He didn’t address her, but turned instead to Lady Fenton.
“I realize it’s terribly rude of me to arrive unannounced, but would it be acceptable for me to take Sai through Hyde Park? We are affianced, are we not?” His smile was bitter, but Lady Fenton seemed unmoved by his intention. She nodded curtly and ordered Sai to collect her reticule and meet Renwick in front of the house.
Before Sara had any time to protest, she found herself sitting opposite Renwick in the carriage, trying desperately to think of anything but his commanding masculine presence. Never would she allow herself to be weak in his hands again. He had done permanent damage to her life, not to mention her pride.
***
Nicholas was the worst type of fool; plain and simple. He knew it, Sai knew it, and most likely the ton would know it before the day’s end. The things he’d said to Sai were unforgiveable. If she only knew the reasons behind his rage. Fear was a constant companion in his life—fear of losing control, of marrying someone whom he had no control over or who made him want to lose control. Sai was that very person, the person he promised he wouldn’t marry if his life depended on it. Not only was she too beautiful for him, but she was pure, untouched by the sin of the world. The sins of his past would destroy her, and she would hate him. It wasn’t as if he didn’t feel terrible about his past; he simply could do nothing to change it. But he could change his future, and he wouldn’t bring any more innocent victims into his darkness, not the way he did before. It wouldn’t be fair.
Looking at her now made him all the more apprehensive of the carriage ride. It seemed the more time he spent with her, the more difficult it became to think straight. She was breathtaking, and continued to grow in beauty by the second, as if that were possible. He forced himself to make small talk about the weather but received nothing but short replies.
He sent up a quick prayer, then asked the dreaded question. “Why do you hate me?” He braced himself for the impact of her words, praying it would be painless.
She laughed in return. “Are you so selfish of a man that you think the world revolves only around you and your feelings?”
He didn’t know if he should agree or be silent. He chose the latter.
“I despise you for what you stand for; I hate you for making me feel like this is my fault, like I threw myself at your feet. I am not some wanton girl trying to trap the great Nicholas Renwick in the gardens. I am not that girl, how dare you accuse me of being anything less.”
Her eyes filled with tears, making Nicholas's heart constrict.
“I didn’t mean it; I was upset.”
She snorted and shook her head.
“I’m not good for you. I’m not marriage material—you must see that.” His tone was turning dangerously desperate. He shook his head then pulled her hands from her lap kissing each wrist with his lips. “You deserve to be a duchess; you deserve a life I can’t give you. A life without sin, a life without baggage. You aren’t norm—“
“Nicholas Renwick, if you say I’m not normal, be prepared to face the consequences. And I do not wish to get blood on my new dress.” She glared at him, making him retreat further into his seat.
“Sorry.” He put his hand on his temple and rubbed. “I mean only that you are not like everyone else. I’m the one who’s not normal. Like I said, I’m not good for you.”
“To put it bluntly,” she added for him. “I’m not good enough for you, and you're upset, which I couldn’t care less about. I’m not any happier about this situation than you are, so for both our sakes, let's just make it through the next few days without causing physical harm to each other, agreed?” She held out a gloved hand, and he had no choice but to take it, admiring her spunk with every word she spoke.