“Well, I really wish you’d get to that instead,”
she interrupted. “And quit blathering on about marriage.” The word caused her to shudder again.
Pretending he hadn’t heard her, he continued,
“But now that I’m thinking about it, it doesn’t seem so awful. I mean, Amy wanted me to be a father. She died trying to make that happen. What if this is her way of getting her wish?”
B.J. didn’t want to argue with such a hopeful statement. What she really wanted was to curl into a ball and weep. That was probably why she sounded so sympathetic when she said, “But what if I miscarry like she did?”
He went still at the question, and she bit her lip.
She almost couldn’t go on, as touchy a subject as this was, but she had a point to prove, and she meant to do it no matter how much it hurt him, though hurting him just might kill her.
“What then, huh, smart guy? Suddenly there’s no baby, and we’re still married. Think about that.
It’s the stupidest thing in the world to get married just because of a child. If you really want to be involved in this kid’s life, we’ll work out some custody issues. You can have as much daddy time as 109
you want. But that’s it.”
He was shaking his head before she even
finished talking. “I want more.”
“There is no more. I mean...what...what about love?”
He sent her sharp look. “What about it?”
“We don’t love each other,” she blurted out
desperately. “How can you expect a marriage to last if the people getting hitched don’t even love each other? Jesus, it’s hard enough when they do.”
“Love isn’t any kind of guarantee. I loved Amy and we didn’t last, now did we?”
“But...she died.”
“What’s your point? Death, divorce, it doesn’t matter. I’m not with her anymore. Love doesn’t mean forever.”
B.J. didn’t have a comeback. She merely stared at him mutinously. She wasn’t going to give in, though, and realizing it, Grady sighed in irritation.
“To tell you the truth,” he said quietly, “I’d just as soon not be in love the next go-round.”
“Gee, thanks,” the words blurted out of her
before she could stop them. But really. Ouch. No matter how tough she acted, hearing him say he didn’t want to ever love her stung like a son of a bitch, and there was no way she could’ve hidden her knee-jerk reaction of wincing.
His lips parted with the realization he’d actually hurt her feelings, and the apology in his eyes made her humiliation complete. She looked away.
“I didn’t mean—” he started, but she lifted her hand to stop him.
“I know what you meant. Don’t sweat it.”
“No,” he said. “You don’t know. You don’t know at all. That’s just it. I can’t...I won’t ever let any woman...I mean, if I did, it could be Amy all over again. Don’t you see? If I left myself open, someone else could leave me, or die, or whatever, and there’d 110
The Trouble with Tomboys
be one more huge, gaping hole split open right through the middle of me. So I’m just going to pass on the whole love thing from now on, because I could certainly do without that kind of heartbreak for the rest of my life.”
“Damn it,” B.J. muttered, scowling at him to hide the guilt of letting her own emotions take over when this was really about him and his misery.
“Don’t go saying sad crap like that when I’m trying to disagree with you. I’m not going to back down, Slim. You’re wrong about this, and you’re just making me feel like I kicked a sick dog. So cut it out.” “I’m not wrong,” he insisted.
“We’re not getting married, end of story. Will you wake up and face the new millennium?”
“I don’t care if it’s old fashioned. A child needs a sturdy foundation. There’s too many mixed families out there with too many messed up kids.”
She snorted. “Well, it’s going to have me for a mom, so I’d say it’s already screwed there. Sorry, bud.”
Grady blinked, looking surprised she could say such a thing. “I think you just might surprise yourself on that count.”
Her mouth fell open. “What? Are you on drugs?
What the hell makes you think I’m in any way motherly?”
Grady stepped suddenly closer to her. When he lifted his hand to set it on the side of her neck, she knew he had to feel her pulse leap under his fingers.
Her eyes widened and her lips parted, letting out a surprised puff of air.
“I want to marry you, B.J.,” he murmured, his face drawing closer to hers. “Why don’t you want to marry me?”