"I'm not, and anyone who thinks otherwise isn't worth your time."
"That's a nice concept," I told him. "You can put it into practice next time everyone you know turns against you and let me know how it goes."
He flinched. I felt a bit bad, but not very bad because really, it wasn't about him and if he actually cared, he could've shown it a bit sooner.
I sighed and turned away. This conversation was pointless and confusing. My feelings about Sam seemed to change each time I took a breath. I loved him and wanted to be close to him but I had all this pent up resentment as well. There were all those issues with our parents and families and everything was just too complicated. I just wanted to rewind back to the time when we'd just been Lucy and Sam, and everything had been good and simple. I'd been there for him and he'd been there for me. We'd been like one mind sharing two bodies, I'd always known what he was thinking and feeling. He was a mystery to me now, a stranger. I didn't like it and I didn't really know how to deal with it.
"Lucy, wait," he said.
I hesitated but didn't turn back.
"I just wanted you to know … "
I sensed him get up, move toward me, but I still didn't turn back.
"I'm working really hard to get myself under control, to control my powers, so that we can be … So I can be your friend again. I know I haven't been there for you but I'm trying my best."
I could feel the heat from his body, and I wanted to lean back into it, but I couldn't. I had to be strong. He wasn't ready and I knew that part of me wasn't either. I nodded to show him I understood and then fled the clearing.
Chapter 5
Seeing Sam had given me a sense of perspective on things. It didn't matter what all those vultures thought, if they believed I'd lie and manipulate and whore myself. If I let it get to me, I was letting the bullies win. I mean, I couldn't help my initial reaction or feelings, obviously, but I could control my own thought process and actions moving forward, and I wasn't going to spend any more of my time on this BS. I messaged my brothers to warn them and then I went to class. I really wanted to talk to Hannah. I was sure after she thought about it, she'd realize I'd never say those things about her, but I could understand her being upset and wanted to straightened the whole mess out.
Mr Porter barely looked up as I snuck in late to English class. I could probably not even show up to class and still get top marks, after everything that had happened, but that would do me no good in the long run. Hannah was hunched over her desk in the back corner. She didn't look at me as I sat down, even when I tried to catch her eye. Mr Porter was talking about Jane Austen and her "feminist principles", which I had very strong opinions about, but my friendship with Hannah was more important. I ducked my head, trying to get her to look at me, but she turned away. I twisted around in my seat, but she wouldn't look at me, not even when I waved my arm out right under her nose.
"Yes, Miss Connor?" said Mr Porter. "Did you want to share something?"
I looked up, half out of my seat and limbs sprawled everywhere.
"No," I said. "No, I really don't want to share anything."
"That's not what your Twitter profile says," somebody muttered.
I had a Twitter as well? Man, who even has time to make multiple fake social media accounts? If they have that amount of spare time, they should do something constructive. Get a hobby or go to Africa and build a well or something and leave me alone, sheesh. These people made me so sick with their judging me even though they had never even worked a day in their lives and just sponged off their parents.
Hannah still wouldn't look at me, and the class settled down as Mr Porter went on with the lesson. As I sat there, silently disagreeing with everything Mr Porter said, I began to get super angry. I'd shared a room with Hannah for months, surely she should know me well enough to know those posts weren't by me. I didn't see the point in shortening "you" to "u", for one thing. I mean, how much time did you save with that? If you used predictive text, it was exactly the same, probably less because automatically you'd type the "y" and then have to backspace. Man, it drove me crazy when people wrote "u" instead of "you" because they were just trying to look as if they were all nonchalant when they were in fact full of chalance. They were chalant all over the place. Posers. It seemed as if she knew me at all, she would know that, it was like representative of my entire personality.
It was like she didn't even care whether I had actually said those things or not, she just wanted to believe. Maybe she had secretly been hating me this whole time and was just looking for an excuse to end our friendship. The thought made me feel as if a super fat and sweaty man was sitting on my chest, crushing me and making my eyes water.
But when I looked over at her, even though she sat so her hair hung down, hiding her face, I could see that her cheeks were red and she was biting her lip. She didn't look as if she was filled with a secret joy at getting rid of me, she looked as if the fat man was sitting on her too.
Mr Porter handed back our midterm papers, and then class ended and I figured that was my chance. Hannah tried to push past me but I caught her by the sleeve.
"Hold up," I said. "Don't tell me you actually believe all this BS, Hannah? Come on! You know me better than that!" I tried to catch her eye. "I thought we were friends."
She ducked her head so that I couldn't see her face and pulled her arm away, rushing from the room.
"You should just leave her alone," said Fatima.
I spun around to see her standing behind me, staring at the paper in my hand, my English midterm, trying to see my grade.
"She has to know I didn't write those things."
Fatima shrugged, looking up at me though her eyes kept straying back to the paper. "I don't think she cares, she's probably realized you're more trouble than you're worth." She gave up all pretense and craned her head to see my grade.
"Just ask if you care so much," I said, annoyed at her for turning against me when I'd thought we were kind-of friends.
Her shoulders stiffened and she gave me a haughty look. "I know you got an A, you're Mr Porter's favorite."
If I was annoyed at her before, it was nothing compared to the wave of anger that went over me at the implication that I didn't work for my grades. It rose up in me like a fire and I took a step toward her.
"Come on, Fatima," said Hannah quietly, standing in the doorway, resolutely not looking at me. "Let's go to lunch."
As I stared after them, watching them leave together, leave me behind. Even though I was angry at them both, it still felt lonely and awful being left there alone.
I'd even lost my enthusiasm for lunch. That had never happened to me before. I far preferred to eat my feelings. Feelings were delicious, especially if they came in the form of the little cheesy pastries on the lunch menu. There must be something seriously wrong with me if I was too sad for cheesy pastries. Maybe I was dying. I felt a bit as if I was dying, there was something hard and twisted buried deep in my chest. Like the fat man had grown talons and sunk them deep into my flesh. Maybe I was just sad because I hadn't eaten. That kind of thing seemed possible, a vicious cycle of non-eating that made you feel sad and not hungry. Maybe pastries would perk me right up. It seemed legit, so I headed to the dining hall despite my reservations.
I didn't make it to the dining hall.
A group of students – it seemed like everyone in the school - waited for me out in the courtyard. At first I thought they were just milling around. I don't know why anyone would mill around in the freezing cold but then I clearly didn't understand much about the world if whatever was going on at this school passed for normal. They blocked the entrance to the dining hall, and for a moment I stood and waited for them to move out of my way. They didn't move. Instead, they turned toward me, moving as one and reminding me eerily of that time they were all possessed by some bad juju and wandering through the forest like a bunch of animated corpses. I shivered.
I didn't need this crap and I could get into the dining hall from the other entrance. I turned to leave but they'd moved to encircle me. Wow, that seemed ominous.
I looked around the circle, pressing in toward me. There was no good way out of this. I could either make a break for it, possibly forcing a physical confrontation, or I could wait for whatever this was to begin. Neither option seemed appealing. I zipped my bag up and slung it onto my back so that it couldn't fall into the clutches of the evil mob.
The entire world seemed frozen, cold and inactive. I stared at everyone and they stared back at me, unmoving, as if waiting for a signal. I huffed. They were cutting into my lunch time and I wished they'd get on with it so I could go eat.