“What do you mean?”
Teresa shrugged. “She thought she could get the money and the baby.”
“Oh.” That shocked Jessie. “So she never planned to give me up?”
“No. Angela used Mr. Murdock because he had money, but she learned the hard way that nobody uses Mr. Murdock.” Teresa took a heavy breath. “I’m not sure what kind of childhood you would have had with Angela. I loved her but she lived a rough life with many, many…you know. Our neighborhood was rough, too, and my brothers got into gangs. You were better off in Texas.”
“My father…was very controlling, but loved me more than anything on this earth. Maybe a little too much.” Jessie said that from the bottom of her heart, and she meant it. For a moment she hesitated in telling Teresa about her life, but the nuns had been so good to her that she had to speak the truth.
After she told Teresa the story of the guards and the protection, Teresa clicked her tongue. “How sad for you.”
“I never wanted for anything but my freedom.”
Teresa flung out her arms. “You’re free now. You come all the way to Rome.”
Jessie managed a half smile. “I think I was delirious with fever.”
Teresa touched Jessie’s hands. “Are you well enough to talk about why you came?”
Jessie shook her head. “Not yet.” She wasn’t strong enough to open up those feelings. She wasn’t strong enough to face what she’d done.
“I have to go help prepare the meal.” Teresa shoved the chair back against the wall and looked at Jessie. “Angela loved you and she never gave up hope that one day her little girl would be with her.”
“Thank you.”
After Teresa left, Jessie watched the children and marveled how they found pleasure in a simple thing like kicking a ball. She wondered if she’d ever feel pleasure again or would there always be this emptiness inside her?
In the afternoon she grew restless and ventured out into the long hallway. She came into a large room with sofas and chairs, a TV was in one corner and in the other was a large Christmas tree. She gasped. Oh, no! She ran from the room and opened a door. Suddenly, she was in the courtyard with the children. They stared at her with soulful dark eyes but they made no attempt to approach her.
She eased onto a stone bench and enjoyed the sun on her face. The temperature was chilly, though. She wrapped her arms around her waist. One of the nuns clapped her hands and the children immediately formed a line and marched inside.
Religious statues were here and there. Jesus on a cross was at the front of the courtyard and another was of a woman in a white flowing robe with her hands outstretched to three children at her feet. She’d read enough to know this was Mary, the mother of Jesus. The place had a somber but peaceful feel about it and she sat long into the evening.
The next day everyone seemed to be busy so Jessie explored on her own. There was a girls’ dormitory and a boys’, plus a babies’ room. She didn’t freak out. She just didn’t go in. Mother Superior was in the office, but since Jessie couldn’t speak Italian they couldn’t converse, or so she’d thought. The elderly nun spoke broken English and Jessie found out Teresa had given up her room for Jessie and was now sharing with Margaret. She tried to talk to Teresa, but she was busy getting ready for Christmas Eve mass. The children had a special program and Teresa was in charge.
As Jessie prepared for bed, she saw the children file into the church again. They were dressed differently. The girls wore long gray jumpers with white blouses while the boys still had the black pants and white shirts, but they had donned black bow ties. They looked so cute.
She tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Slipping from the bed, she grabbed her clothes and put them on. She had no idea what she was doing or why she felt a need to go to the church, but that’s where her feet took her. Her hand shook as she reached for the large wood-carved door lever.
The church was in darkness except for the flickering candles that seemed to be everywhere. She made her way down the side aisle to the back row. Some of the children were to the right of the altar, holding hymnals. Teresa stood beside them in a long gray dress.
A bell rang loudly and everyone got to their feet. The children began to sing. She glanced to the aisle and saw four of the older children in white robes. One held a huge cross. A priest dressed in gold robes stood behind them with baby Jesus cradled in his arms. They all marched in. When they reached the altar, the priest knelt and placed the statue in the nativity display on the left. Everyone joined in prayer.
Then the priest stood, made the sign of the cross and everyone took their seats as the mass began. Jessie sat, mesmerized, the whiff of incense comforting her senses. Everything was in Italian and she didn’t understand the words but she felt them. The children sometimes sang responses and it was lovely. The people got to their feet to form a line to the front to receive communion . Jessie sat alone, unmoving, but she didn’t feel as lonely.