The Struggle(101)

I jerked. I mean, my entire body jolted.

She was sorry—sorry about being pregnant with my child? My brows flew up, and for a small instant that icy terror poured into my chest. How could I be a good father? After everything that I had done—everything I would do to keep Josie safe. My hands were dirty, but they’d soon be soaked in blood. Was that why she was sorry? Because she knew I was probably the last person in the world who was fit to have and raise a child?

But I’d give up my life for my child.

Josie sat back down, her throat working as she squeezed her eyes shut. “I know this is a surprise. It . . . it shocked me. It had to be that one time—right when you left. We didn’t use a condom. I know we’re not ready for this, but I was hoping we . . .” Trailing off, she shook her head as she pressed the tips of her fingers to her mouth.

Then it struck me.

She thought I was unhappy with the news, and she had good reason to believe that, because I was sitting on the godsdamn floor like a dumbass.

Snapping out my stupor, I flew to my feet and grasped her hands. I startled her and those damp lashes lifted. “I am not sorry,” I told her. “I could never feel sorry that you’re having my child.”

Her eyes widened and she whispered, “What?”

I brought her hands to my chest as I hauled her up to her feet. “I was . . . fuck, I was shocked. I was not expecting you to say that. At all. But I am not sorry.”

Josie’s chest rose against our joined hands. “You’re not? You’re okay with me . . . with this?”

“How could I not be okay?” I shook my head as my heart pounded a mile a minute. “Gods, Josie, I was shocked enough that I just fell over on my ass, but I love you—I will always love you. That means I will love our child.”

I couldn’t believe I just said those two words. Our child. But the moment they left my tongue I never knew anything else could feel so right. I knew, in that moment, it was true.

A tremble rocked her body. “But how . . . how can we do this? We’re not ready—”

“We’ll get ready,” I told her, meaning it. Gods knew she was right. We were the furthest thing from ready, but we would get there. “I don’t have a doubt in my mind that you’d make—” My voice thickened and became hoarse with emotion. “—you will make a wonderful mother.”

“Oh my God,” Josie cried, planting her face into my shoulder. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“Why?” Was she crying? Letting go of her hands, I curled one arm around her waist and then gently guided her head back up with the other. “Psychi mou, are you crying?”

“I don’t know,” she said, sniffling. “I just . . . I was so afraid you would be unhappy and I’m scared, because I don’t know if I would be a good mom. I mean, I can’t even remember to brush my teeth every night, and I’m going to be responsible for another person? We are so young—like too young. I mean, we can live for, like, eternity and I don’t even know what this baby is going to be and there’s so much crazy going on right now.”

Chuckling hoarsely, I smoothed away her tears. “I could never be unhappy and you have no reason to be scared, Josie. We’re . . . we’re in this together. I know there’s a lot of crazy, but you’re not in this alone.”

Josie blinked rapidly as she stared up at me. “You’re really . . . you’re really okay with this?”

“We’re . . . we’re having a baby, Josie. How could I not be okay with that?”

She let out a throaty sound and threw her arms around me. “I love you. I love you,” she said, repeating the three words over and over.

It hit me again, almost taking my legs right out from under me once more. This meant everything would change and we needed to seriously talk about what that meant, but right now, all I could focus on was this . . . fuck, this beautiful moment I hadn’t thought I’d ever experience.

“I’m going to be a father,” I said, sort of dumbstruck by the mere realization. I could feel my lips curving into a smile—a smile I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. “I never . . . It’s not something I’ve ever thought about.” I brought my hand to her cheek. “I just never thought it would be in my future. Probably because it wasn’t until recently that I even had a future, but I never . . .” I laughed in shock, only because it was rare when I was actually speechless. “I’m going to be a dad.”

Josie smiled as she nodded. “You . . . will be an amazing father. No child would ever be more loved, more safe.”