A few seconds later he was there, leaning against the doorframe, his blond good looks, all scrunched up in an apology face. I saw that he felt like shit. I was happy that he felt like shit and yet, how many times had he been on the receiving end of my sad, apologetic face?
"G," he said softly. "I'm sorry."
At least he got right to the point. There was no waiting. No awkward silences.
Except that there was. I couldn't answer him and turned away. There was a huge knot in my throat, everything was tight and it took a bit to clear it away. The emotion that pummeled my chest came out of nowhere and I realized that I wasn't just angry. Not by a long shot. I was so hurt and so sad that I couldn't speak.
"G?"
I shook my head, wanting to shout, ‘go away' ‘leave me alone' but that stupid knot was still there and I didn't say anything. I just stared at the floor and wished he'd leave because I knew I was going to lose it and I sure as hell didn't want him to see me crying.
He took a step forward and I shook my head, violently. I don't know how I managed to speak but I whispered hoarsely. "Why are you back so early?"
"Joe called."
"Awesome. Now you have Joe watching out for me? Calling you because you don't trust your fucked up baby sister?"
"No, I had Joe let me know when you came home because I screwed up and I'm sorry, and I was worried about you. I needed to see you, Georgia."
All my anger deflated at the look in his eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and it took a lot to keep from crying.
"It's not fair," I said shakily. "I don't want to be like this … like her, and it's not fair."
"I know."
For a moment there was silence, each of us lost in our thoughts … our memories. "Nothing happened," I said eventually. "Between Ben and I." God, the ache was awful. "A lot of guys would have left when I put the brakes on, but he stayed and we slept together, but nothing happened."
"I know."
"I suppose Ben thinks I'm a freak."
Matt moved toward me and I inched to the left so that there was room for him to slide in beside me. His arms went around my shoulders and I turned to him, shuddering and wheezing as the tightness in my chest moved up to my throat, scrubbing at my face as a tear escaped and slid down my cheek.
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that."
"Did you tell him?" I asked hesitantly, dreading his answer. Did Ben know how truly defective I was?
"No. That's your deal and you can tell him when you're ready."
I heaved a sigh and shifted, my eyes on the floor. "Well, since I doubt I'll be seeing him anytime soon, I guess I dodged that bullet."
"He wants to see you, G."
I turned to Matt in disbelief. "I find that hard to believe, but even if it's true, you're okay with that?"
Matt held my gaze. "You're better now, Georgia, and I've got to trust that you're going to make good decisions. Seamus is helping and you're taking your meds. You're not a kid and if Ben Lancaster is important to you, I'm not going to stand in the way."
What the hell?
"Last week you told him that I was messed up. That I would mess him up."
"Last week I was an asshole."
"You got that right."
He smiled, a sad sort of smile that tugged at my heart. He squeezed my shoulder gently. "I'm proud of you, G. You faced a monster and you're dealing and I'm just … I'm just grateful we caught it in time. I'm grateful that you're strong enough. I'm grateful that you're here."
Another tear slid from my eye and he wiped it away. "You're not Mom. I get that now. She never accepted what needed to be fixed but you have, and you deserve to be happy."
I still wasn't sure what was happening.
"You just … " he said softly.
"Just what?"
"You need to be honest with him about how you are … how you were, so he knows what he's getting into."
That was the surest way to send him running. What twenty-four year old guy with the world at his feet was going to want to deal with me and my problems? I exhaled and glanced up at the ceiling. "He doesn't want to see me anyway, so you don't have to worry that I'll screw up your golden boy. I haven't heard anything from him since I left."
"I have."
A small glimmer of hope erupted inside me. It flushed hot and wove through my body, tingling where it touched. I squirmed and raised my eyebrows. "What are you saying?"
Matt grinned. "Look. He was pissed when he came back from his run and you were gone. Pissed, and then worried, and then he made it clear to me that he was going to continue to see you if it's what you wanted. He's not a pussy that's for sure and I could tell that he was really into you. I could tell that he meant what he said."
I took his words and held them close, letting them resonate inside me for a moment. One blinding, happy, euphoric moment. And then it passed.
"He may have been into me for a few days but he never called or texted once."
"That's because he's waiting for you to come to him. He wanted to give you some space and I gotta say, that's pretty big of him. It's up to you, G, but if you want to see Ben he's out at his new place. Got the keys yesterday."
Matt gave me a hug before sliding off the bed. "I'm meeting some guys at O'Reilly's later, so if you want to borrow my wheels, feel free."
He tossed his keys onto my dresser and left.
I stared at them for so long my vision began to blur and with a groan I rolled onto the bed, fingering the edge of my pillow as my eyes drifted toward the sunlight streaming in from the window.
I wanted Ben. I wanted him badly.
But was I brave enough? Strong enough?
After a few moments I rolled back over and got to my feet, taking the three steps it took to bring me to my dresser. I scooped the keys into my hands and held my breath, and then something broke apart inside me, like a little valve had just released. I exhaled nervously.
I guess I was going to find out.
Chapter Thirteen
Ben
I heard the doorbell from my perch in the back yard just as I cracked open a cold beer. I was hot, thirsty as hell, and had just doffed my dirty T-shirt when my sister Eden poked her head outside.
I had gone home to Canada for a few days and she'd come back with me. She was supposedly ‘helping' me get settled but we both knew that was bull. She'd just ended a pretty shitty relationship-a guy she had lived with since college, a guy who had fucked around on her more than once-and was feeling blue. I had offered her a distraction and she'd taken it.
"Pizza?" I said, taking another swig. I'd worked my ass off trying to get the yard cleaned up-cutting back the weeds, running the new riding lawnmower around like a hillbilly-while she'd sunbathed on the deck. I had a landscaping crew coming out in a few days to do the real heavy work, but I couldn't stand to look at the mess until then.
Besides, I needed an outlet for all the nervous energy that had been building inside me for days. Ever since that morning with Georgia.
Eden shook her head. "No, sorry I forgot to call our order in."
Her brow furrowed and she stepped out onto the deck. She wore a skimpy black bikini top and a pair of old, worn jean shorts. Her long dark hair was tied loosely on top of her head, her brown eyes direct as she looked at me.
"What?" I took another swig of my beer but her words stopped me cold.
"There was a girl at the door but she left before I got a chance to tell her you were out back. She looked a little upset and she seemed real surprised to see me."
My heart took off and I jumped from low slung bench near the barbecue. Georgia. It had to be her.
Shit.
"Who is she?"
I hopped the railing, ignoring Eden's question, and ran around the house hoping like hell she hadn't left yet. I rounded the corner and caught sight of Matt's car as she tried to maneuver it around my truck.
The relief I felt was short lived because she'd just managed a three point turn and was about to take off. With a burst of speed I shot forward, jumping in front of her, a grin on my face, my hands outstretched as she slammed on the brakes, the bumper missing me by an inch.