some belief.By something more natural than we
can understand.Naturalness is something they still
understand.'
' Naturalness ?' I said, loudly. 'This lot'll tell you anything is natural; they'll tell you greed and hate and jealousy and paranoia and unthinking religious
awe and fear of God and hating anybody who's
another colour or thinks different is natural
.Hating blacks or hating whites or hating women or
hating men or hating gays; that's natural .Dog-eat-dog, looking out for number one, no lame ducks
Shit, they're so convinced about what's natural it's
the more sophisticated ones that'll tell you
suffering and evil are natural and necessary
because otherwise you can't have pleasure and
goodness.They'll tell you any one of their rotten
stupid systems is the natural and right one, the one
true way; what's natural to them is whatever they
can use to fight their own grimy corner and fuck
everybody else.They're no more natural than us
than an amoeba is more natural than them just
because it's cruder.'
'But Sma, they're living according to their instincts,
or trying to.We're so proud of living according to
our conscious belief, but we've lost the idea of
shame.And we need that too.We need that even
more than they do.'
' What ?' I shouted.I whirled round, took him by the shoulders and shook him. 'We should be what ?
Ashamed of being conscious?Are you crazy?
What's wrong with you?How can you say
something like that?'
'Just listen!I don't mean they're better; I don't mean
we should try to live like them, I mean that they
have an idea of of light and shade that we don't
have.They're proud sometimes, too, but they're
ashamed as well; they feel all-conquering and
powerful but then they realize how powerless they
really are.They know the good in them, but they
know the evil in them, too; they recognize both,
they live with both.We don't have that duality, that balance.And and can't you see it might be more
fulfilling for one individual - me - who has a
Culture background who is aware of all life's
possibilities, to live in this society, not the
Culture?'
'So you find this hellhole more fulfilling?'
'Yes, of course I do.Because there's - because it's
just so alive.In the end, they're right Sma; it doesn't
really matter that a lot of what's going on is what
we - or even they - might call bad ; it's happening,
it's there, and that's what matters, that's what makes
it worthwhile to be here and be part of it.'
I took my hands off his shoulders. 'No.I don't
understand you.Dammit Linter, you're more alien
than they are.At least they have an excuse.God,
you're the fucking mythical recent convert, aren't
you?The fanatic.The zealot.I'm sorry for you, man.'
'Well thank you.' He looked to the sky, blinking
again.
'I didn't want you to understand me too quickly, and
-' he made a noise that was not quite a laugh '- I
don't think you are, are you?'
'Don't give me that pleading look.' I shook my
head, but I couldn't stay angry with him looking
like that.Something subsided in me, and I saw a
sort of shy smile steal over Linter's face. 'I am not,'
I said, 'going to make this easy for you,
Dervley.You're making a mistake.The biggest
you'll ever make in your life.You'd better realize
you're on your own.Don't think a few plumbing
changes and a new set of bowel bacteria are going
to make you any closer to homo sapiens either.'
'You're a friend, Diziet.I'm glad you're concerned
but I think I know what I'm doing.'
It was time for me to shake my head again, so I
did.Linter held my hand while we walked back
down to the bridge and then out of the park.I felt
sorry for him because he seemed to have realized
his own loneliness.We walked round the city for a
while, then went to his apartment for lunch.His
place was in a modern block down towards the
harbour, not far from the massiveness of the city
hall; a bare flat with white walls and little
furniture.It hardly looked lived in at all save for a
few late Lowry reproductions and sketches by
Holbein.
It had clouded over in late morning.I left after
lunch.I think he expected me to stay, but I only
wanted to get back to the ship.
4.4:God Told Me To Do It
'Why did I do what?'
'What you did to Linter.Alter him.Revert him.'
'Because he asked me to do it,' the ship said.I was
standing in the top hangar deck.I'd waited till I was
back on the ship before I confronted it, via a
remote drone.
'And of course it had nothing to do with hoping he
might dislike the feeling so much he'd come back
into the fold.Nothing to do with trying to shock him
with the pain of being human when the locals have
at least had the advantage of growing up with it
and getting used to the idea.Nothing to do with
letting him inflict a physical and mental torture on