My phone rang and I grumbled. I didn't like the interruptions. I had thrown myself into my work in an effort at distraction. I saw that Reeve was calling and grumbled even more.
"What do you want?" I answered, trying to sound just as annoyed as I actually was.
"That was a very rude way to answer your phone," she said snidely.
"Good, my intended tone came across just as I'd hoped it would."
"You're an asshole when you're heartbroken."
"What is it that you want, Reeve? Don't you have a husband to annoy?"
"I was driving past Mr. McBride's house a few minutes ago and I saw some strange men looking in the windows. I would have stopped, but I've got the kids with me and I didn't feel safe. Do you think you could go over there and see if anything looks strange?"
"Yeah, of course," I felt like an ass for being rude to her. Of course I didn't want her confronting homeless squatters with her kids. "Sorry, Reeve. I'm not always trying to be an asshole."
"I know. You're sad. I get it." All I could do was sigh in response because she was right. I was sad.
"What did the men look like?"
"The homeless squatters?" She sounded confused.
"Yeah, them."
"They looked like homeless squatters, you jackass." At least she was laughing when she swore at me this time.
"Ok. I'll go and take a look in a little bit. I still have a few things to finish up here."
"Asher, I don't think it's a good idea to go after dark. What if they're dangerous?"
"The homeless squatters?" I spat her words back at her with a smirk on my face.
"I'm not talking to you anymore."
"Promise?"
"Watch yourself. I might be your only friend."
"You might have a point."
"Don't wait too long, Asher. You might miss it." These last words sounded important, wise almost.
"Ok … I'll leave soon."
"Good. You work too much anyway." And she was back.
I found myself turning onto the street I avoided for weeks. My mom tried to get me to come over for dinner multiple times but I couldn't bring myself to go there. I didn't want to see the house where we shared so many things together. But there I was, pulling around the corner, straining to see the house she'd moved into so long ago. The girl with the dark hair who stole my heart.
As I drove closer, I didn't see any homeless men milling around. Nothing looked out of place except for the paper that was on the door. Until Charlie made arrangements to sell the house, all communication regarding it was supposed to come to my office, handled by Phil. I rolled my eyes wondering what Phil had fucked up. I pulled in to the driveway and parked my car. I made it to the door and pulled the paper down, flipped it over, and began to read.
Dear Asher,
Don't crumple the paper up and throw it away, at least, not until you've read it. I know you're angry at me and I know you have every right to be. All I am asking is for the opportunity to explain myself. I need to explain better than I did that night. Please. Meet me at the swing set.
Love,
Charlie
My heart pumped rapidly and my hands sweated. I hadn't expected to hear from her, and I definitely didn't expect her to be here. I thought she would become a ghost again, a figment of my desires. Despite everything that had happened between us, I couldn't change the one thing about me that would always be true; I couldn't stay away from her if she needed me.
I turned and began jogging through the neighborhood, weaving through cars and mailboxes, taking the shortest route that we carved out some twenty years previous. The paper became crumpled in my hand, but I never let it go; I carried it with me. I came up to the alley, the cut-through that led from the neighborhood to the school yard.
The sun began to set so the alley was veiled by shadows. I could almost see our pre-teen selves walking under the tree canopy, talking about school, or a movie we wanted to see, or our plans for the weekend. Then I pictured us at sixteen, walking hand-in-hand to the school to steal moments alone, to escape the fatherly watch of Charles, to explore each other. I ran out the other side of the alley, thinking maybe I'd catch a glimpse of her on the swings, but I saw no one.
Disappointment shot through me and I cursed myself for the emotion. I should be disappointed she wasn't there. I shouldn't want to see her. But I did and it was useless to deny it. I stopped jogging and walked the rest of the way to the swings. My heartbeat sped up again when I saw the note taped to one of the swings. I picked it up and eagerly opened it.
My Asher,
I'm so glad you're here. I'm still waiting for you, but you'll have to travel a little farther to get to me. I promise though – it will be worth it.
Meet me where you first told me you loved me.
Xoxo,
Charlie
The bridge. The stream. I ran there, jogging wouldn't get me there fast enough. Halfway through the parking lot of the school, I ditched my suit jacket, throwing it down on the ground, thinking I would come back for it later. It took me less than five minutes to run to the park and I didn't stop until I made it to the bridge. It was getting darker, the sun set, and I squinted into the dusk and tried to find her. She wasn't waiting on the bridge, but she wouldn't be. I told her I loved her under the bridge, pressing her up against the support beam, holding her face in my hands. I walked down the bank to the small creek and followed it under the bridge. There sat another note for me.
Dear Love,
Forgive me, I'm not waiting here for you. But this is where it all started. Those fall days spent here with you, catching fish, building a friendship that saved me. I remember us here. All the time, Asher. I think about you all the time.
Being with David was hard for me. I never loved him. I stayed with him to make myself feel a little bit normal. Normal women didn't cry every day for their babies. They didn't wear a ring their ex-boyfriend gave them only to remind them of a love they'd never get over.
I didn't lie to David because I wished you were dead. I told him that lie because I couldn't live with the truth. I would have taken our love to the grave, Asher. It was sacred to me and no one needed to know about it. If I spoke about it, the loss felt more real. I guess I don't expect you to understand why I lied. I just want you to understand it was a lie, not how I truly felt, not how I truly feel. Was it the right decision? Probably not. But it was the best choice I could make at the time. I'm not the same girl I was five years ago, not even the same person I was five months ago.
You changed me Asher. You gave me the opportunity to forgive myself, to love myself, to accept that things happen for no reason at all, and it's no one's fault. I don't have to hide behind my sadness anymore, because it isn't shameful. I lost a pregnancy, our babies, but it wasn't my fault. I ran from you in college because I couldn't handle everything all at once. But I'm not running anymore, Asher. I'm here – waiting for you.
All of a sudden this seems silly. There's a very good chance that you read my letter at the house and drove away. I wouldn't blame you if that was your choice. But I hope, so much, that you're reading this letter. And I hope you'll come and find me in the very spot where you asked me to be with you. The first time.
I looked around frantically, hoping to see her. I breathed quickly, my heart beating out of my chest. I climbed back up the bank and followed the path around the park. When I saw the gazebo the first thing I noticed was that it was lit up. There were string lights hanging from the top, but as I got closer I noticed the entire interior was filled with candles. The flickering light of the flames made an orange haze float out from the gazebo and reflect off the water.
The candlelight also illuminated the hundreds of yellow roses that filled the space surrounding Charlie.
She wore a white dress and I was reminded of the day when I was fifteen when I first kissed her. The candles sent light flickering over her, making her dress dance in the light, her hair shining and flowing down to her waist.
She smiled when she saw me and her hands came to cover her mouth. Tears came from her eyes and I knew she was happy. Happy to see me. Happy that I'd followed the trail, read the letters, and came to her.
I had never been happier. She came back to me and in the end that was all I ever really wanted from her. For her to accept us both, for all our flaws, and love us anyway. Nothing would have ever worked between us until she could do that. And her standing here, waiting for me, was the best apology I ever received.