I tried to unpack my clothes into the dresser of the hotel room I would be staying in for a while when my phone buzzed on the bedside table.
**Just wondering if your flight went well and if you've made it to wherever you were going ok.**
I smiled at the text from Asher. He was worried that I didn't have a concrete plan on where I'd be staying. I'd tried to tell him that the possibilities were endless and that I'd be fine to just find a hotel when I arrived, but that made him nervous.
**The flight was predictable and I am settling in my four-star hotel as we text.**
**Four stars, huh? Don't let the money change you, Bit.**
I wasn't about to tell him that I was accustomed to staying in nice hotels with David. I wasn't a snob and I wasn't with David for his money, but no one could deny the comforts of a nice hotel if you could afford it.
**I'm sorry, from now on you'll have to send all communication through my personal assistant. She'll be handling my personal affairs while I roll around on hundred dollar bills.**
**Will you be clothed while you roll around in your money? And can your personal assistant take pictures?**
I laughed out loud at his text, didn't take him long to get inappropriate. I shook my head. I laughed more in the last twenty-four hours than I had in years. It made me feel light and nearly carefree.
**Wouldn't you like to know?**
**Seriously, which hotel are you staying in?**
**It's just down the street from the gallery, The Franklin.**
I went back to unpacking and my phone buzzed a few minutes later.
**Ok. I checked out your hotel and it looks pretty safe. You don't take the subway, do you? Take a cab if you go anywhere, or a town car would be even better.**
**You're forgetting I have lived in this city for years now. I'll be fine.**
**I just realized that if I had known where you were this whole time we've been apart, I probably would have gone crazy worrying about you.**
**No need to worry. I can take care of myself.**
**Don't deny me the privileges that come along with loving you. Worrying is one of the perks.**
That made me smile. I'd never tire of hearing Asher say he loved me.
The days passed and I worked hard in my studio preparing for the show. I already picked most of the pieces weeks before the show, so most of the work this week was framing pieces, transporting them, and coordinating with the gallery to get them hung and lit accordingly. My mind often wandered to Asher, wondering what he was doing, where he was, if he was thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him. Of course, he never let me forget about him, and every day a different kind of flower was delivered to the hotel for me with a sweet note.
On Sunday a vibrant bunch of honeysuckle was waiting for me at the front desk. – Dear Charlie, honeysuckle represents the bonds of love. I am forever bound to you. All my love, Asher
Monday, when I opened my door for the breakfast I'd ordered through room service, the cart outside my door also had a bundle of lavender sitting in a vase. The note read – Bit, lavender is for devotion. My heart has been devoted to you since I was eleven. There's never been anyone else. Xoxo, Asher
**The lavender is beautiful. And it makes my hotel room smell divine.**
**I'm glad. I hope the flowers are making it hard for you to forget about me.**
**I think the fact that I can't stop thinking about you in general is making it hard to forget about you.**
**When can I see you again?**
I sighed at his text, my face bright with a smile. It had only been two days since I saw him, but I already missed him.
**I'm not sure yet. Maybe this evening we can talk? Call me when you're home?**
**Count on it, Babe.**
My day brightened considerably knowing that I'd get to speak with Asher that night. I found myself sketching in the afternoon and when I stepped back from the pad to examine what I drew I recognized the creek running underneath the bridge we used to spend so much time at during our childhood. Under that bridge Asher told me he loved me for the first time. In that park we shared our first kiss. For everything that had happened between us, I would never deny how much Asher loved me. He always found ways to show me how much he cared for me, and he was always there when I needed him.
Suddenly, my happiness faded away and stinging sadness moved in. For all the years that Asher had protected me, and knew when I needed him, showing me unwavering support, love and friendship, I had abandoned him the instant the waters became rough. If I hadn't pushed him away, or at least given him time to acclimate to the pregnancy before keeping him at arms-length, perhaps we'd be in a different situation now.
I cocked my head at the drawing. The creek was a reminder of how things used to be between Asher and me: steady, continuous, stable. When real life hit us, we both ran from each other. We were young and scared.
"God, it's good to hear your voice," Asher said that evening when I answered his phone call. "You don't know how difficult this has been for me. I've spent so many years knowing you were out there but having no idea where you were. Now that I know, and now that I feel like you could be mine again, I'm fighting every urge to jump on a plane and find you."
He sounded happy to talk to me, but I could also hear weariness in his voice. The separation was doing different things for both of us. I was using the time apart to repair things inside of me that I had been fighting for so long, and he was focusing on the anxious part of himself that wanted to be near me.
"It's good to hear from you too, Asher. We'll see each other soon enough. I promise." I paused and heard him exhale loudly. I knew he was trying to be respectful and give me my space, but I didn't like hearing him upset. "How was work this week?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Busy, as usual. I'm working on a few cases and one of them is going to be a real struggle."
"Why is that?" I asked, interested. I didn't know lawyer Asher very well.
"Because my client is somewhat of an idiot and signed a contract when he shouldn't have. On the other hand though, the other party was being shady throughout the negotiations and I think we can get them on negligence. I just wish people would take some time to think through their decisions before they made them."
"But then you might be out of a job," I joked.
"Well, as true as that might be, there will always be people who need lawyers."
"And there will always be people who act before they think," I said, solemnly, my thoughts moving in a depressing direction. "Can I ask you something?"
"Always," he said firmly.
"If I had come to you a week after our big fight, you know, after I told you I was pregnant, do you think we would have been able to work it out?"
He was quiet for a few moments and I laid down on the bed, pulling a pillow under my head, trying to give him the time he needed to formulate his answer.
"By the time a week had passed, I was so miserable without you, I'm pretty sure I would have done anything to get you back. I was just so ashamed of myself. I couldn't forget what I'd said to you and the look on your face. I'm still ashamed. It's the worst moment of my life."
"One thing I'm realizing while I'm here is that I can forgive you all I want, Asher. I can wash everything away, give us a clean slate, a free pass into our future, but unless I truly forgive myself, there's probably no hope for us." He was silent, taking in my words. "Do you think you've forgiven yourself?"
"I don't know, really," he answered honestly. "I've never thought about it. I know it means a lot that you forgive me, and that goes a long way in making me feel better about the situation, but I can't say if I truly forgive myself."
"What would you say to another nineteen year old guy who was in your situation? Would you hold what he said against him? What he said moments after learning something that would change his life forever?" He was quiet again.
"No, I suppose not. I'd tell him it was really shitty, but I wouldn't hold it against him."
"We were so young, Asher." I said sadly. "We were supposed to make mistakes. I'm sorry I walked away and never went back for you. That was my mistake."
"Is that what you're forgiving yourself for?" He asked softly.
"I'm working on forgiving myself for a lot of things, but yes, running from you is one of them. You have never been anything but supportive of me, and the one time you messed up I pushed you so far away you were never able to find me again. I'm sorry."
"Can you tell me what else you're sorry for? You don't have to, I understand if it's private."
I smiled at that, at his acknowledgment of my privacy, but still wanting to know that part of me.