Charlie was shaking her head.
"The next morning Tracy apologized to me for what happened and told me that she felt badly about it. We decided to let it go and never really talked about it again. It was a non-issue, a nothing. If I had known what you thought I would have told you immediately, but I never saw you again. Not for years."
"You're a liar," she spat at me.
"Why would I lie? Why? And if I'm lying now, why wouldn't I lie then? Why wouldn't I tell you then that I hadn't slept with anyone? Think about it; I've had no reason to lie. You never gave me any reason to think that I had a chance at being with you. I didn't know you lost the babies at that moment. I DIDN'T KNOW! Because you pushed me away. But I had no reason to lie to you about it. I've never lied to you – not once, ever. You never gave me a chance to tell you what really happened. Why did you leave? Why didn't you say something then? Why would you just run away from everything?"
"Because I loved you! I loved you regardless of what had happened! I stood there, watching you with her, with blood running down my legs, and thought that seeing you with her, that was my punishment. This life? The life I lead where I think of you every day, where I am reminded every single day of the lives I wasn't strong enough to hold on to, that is my punishment."
"Charlie," I say as I run my thumb over her cheek, as I search her eyes for the girl I have loved for most of my life. "It isn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong." I press my lips on to hers, just making contact, a kiss meant to soothe.
"I lost our babies," she said against my lips, through tears, breaking the very last piece of my heart.
"Oh, Bit, you didn't lose our babies. They weren't ready yet." I moved my mouth along her face, kissing away tears that were still flowing down her face. "They're waiting for us. I promise we'll meet them someday. But it wasn't your fault. It wasn't anybody's fault." I leaned back and pushed her hair back from her face again, wanting to see her eyes. She didn't shy away from me; she stared right back at me.
"I've spent so many years wondering how you could have been with someone else. How, if you felt even one fraction of the love I felt for you, you could give that part of you to someone so quickly. I didn't know how to deal with it, deal with you being with her, deal with the miscarriage. I still don't know how. I just ran. I left. I borrowed money from my dad and I went somewhere new." She closed her eyes and swallowed, gulping down emotion.
"Don't run away from me anymore, please. I'm here. I've been here all along. I've got nothing without you. Please … " I pressed my lips to hers again, but this time I meant to convince her, to end the separation, to crush the space between us. My lips crashed into hers and she didn't fight me, didn't push me away, but didn't kiss me either. "Let me in, Bit. Let me back in." I kissed her again, softer, making silent promises, invisible vows that I wouldn't break again. I'd never let her hurt again – not for a misunderstanding. I kissed her as if I was trying to save her or myself. I kissed her to bring her back.
My entire world exploded when I felt her hands slide up my back and her lips kiss me back.
Charlie
Was this really happening?
Were Asher's hands really running freely through my hair? And were my hands running along his back? How had we gotten to this place? My heart began to race as my mind tried to take over, fears leaking through this wonderful moment.
"Asher," I said against his mouth. He didn't answer me. He just kissed me harder, with more passion. I gave in to it, allowing my body to enjoy his for a little while. It was hard not to; he was all I had wanted since forever. Our mouths fused and our tongues slid across each other, and I was reminded of how our bodies seemed to be made for each other. His hands stretched all over me: my waist, my hips, my arms, my stomach, my neck. It was as if he couldn't feel enough of me, as if I was going to slip away.
"Asher," I repeated as his lips pulled away from mine, only to travel down my neck. "Please, let's slow down. I need a breather." Even saying the words hurt. He slowed, but he didn't stop.
"If I let you go," he said between kisses that were slipping between my breasts, making me gasp, "I'm afraid I'll never get you back." He grabbed my waist and lifted me to sit on the edge of the counter. I was eye level with him and he wormed his way in between my legs, pushing his hips into mine. I became instantly aware of the fact that I was just in my underwear and I lost all control of the situation. I raised my hand up and placed it on his chest, pushing him away. I had to add my other hand and push hard, but I finally got him to step backwards so I could look him in the eyes.
"I don't think this is a good idea." I tried to wiggle down from the counter but was just met by the brick wall that was his body. He wasn't moving for anything.
"Give me three reasons why this is a bad idea." He crossed his arms in front of him, unwilling to budge.
"Well, for one, we haven't even really solved any problems. I am just supposed to take your word for it that you didn't sleep with her?"
"Yes. You are. I've got no reason to lie to you. I was a nineteen-year-old boy, Bit. I was dumb and stupid and I never should have walked out on you the way I did, but I did not sleep with her. I'm not sitting here trying to rationalize anything. I did not sleep with anyone. Not until you'd been gone a long time."
"And your words are just supposed to be enough? I've been grappling with this for years and I'm just supposed to move on? Forget it? Assume you're not lying?"
"Yes. Now give me the second reason."
"We're two completely different people than we were back in college. We might not even be compatible anymore." At those words Asher gave me the biggest and brightest smile I had ever seen. I didn't smile back, but seeing his dimple definitely made my wall crumble a little more.
"That's the dumbest thing you've ever said," he said with his sexy smile. "We'll always be compatible. You're an extension of me. A piece I've been missing for so long, Bit." His voice softened and his smile disappeared, replaced by a sad look in his eyes that tugged at a part of my heart that had been dormant for a very long time. His hand rested on my bare knee and then slowly slid down my calf. His other hand did the same thing and when his hands reached my ankles, he grabbed them and wrapped them around his waist, once again pulling me into him. His eyes never left mine as his hands left my ankles and moved to my waist. One hand wrapped around my middle, pulling me even closer into him. His other hand moved up to the clasp of my bra.
"You're going to have to give me one more reason, Bit." As the words fell from his mouth, the clasp of my bra popped open and it fell to the floor, next to my dress. His hands obviously felt like they had more room to roam and he didn't waste any time. My eyes rolled back into my head as his hand found my breast. And if I thought the feeling of his fingers brushing against my nipple was the most wonderful feeling in the world, I wasn't prepared for his hot mouth to close over the other one.
"Give me one good reason," he said around my flesh, the vibrations of his words mixed with the heat of his mouth making both breasts ache with need. I hadn't felt need like this in years – over a decade. I didn't want him to stop, not really. I wanted everything he was offering. The problem was, I wanted so much more.
"If we do this, Asher, if we have sex tonight, there's no going back for me. I won't be able to walk away. I'll fall right back in love with you. Do you understand that? The more you touch me, the more you make me feel alive again, the worse it's going to be for me when this is over. So, as much as I want this, as much as I want you, or us, I can't put myself through another thirteen years of trying to get over you."
As I made my declaration, as I spoke the truest words I'd spoken since the day I told him I was pregnant, his hands moved to cup my face and my chest came to rest against his. Our noses were nearly touching, our breaths intermingling. I was waiting for him to pull away, realizing what I had, that this was a mistake.
"Bit," he whispered right before he placed a gentle kiss against my mouth. The kiss was sweet and soft, and my eyes began to water when I thought it was a goodbye kiss. If this was the last time, the last kiss, I wanted to remember it. I threaded my fingers through his hair and brought my body against his. I felt the sobs coming and I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold it together much longer. I felt his hands move from my face and my heart started pounding at his absence. His lips moved off me and a cry escaped me.