The Space Between Us(59)

"You can't ignore me, Charlie. You can't run away from what's happening  right now. Tell me. Why do you have that tattoo?" She scrambled reaching  for her dress, trying to cover up what I'd already seen. I rushed  further into the bathroom, grabbed her wrists, and tried to get her to  answer me. "Please, Charlie, tell me." My eyes finally found hers as she  stopped struggling against me. Her mouth didn't open and she didn't  move to answer my question. Something around her neck caught my eye and I  followed the silver chain down over her collarbone and my eyes came to  rest on the ring that hung between her breasts.

The promise ring I gave her thirteen years before.

I was shocked and my mouth opened slightly as my mind tried to form  words that never came. I was brought back by the sounds of the sobs  coming from Charlie and I looked up to see her face wet with tears.  Without thinking I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her  waist.

"No!" She shouted and pushed me away.

"You're wearing my ring around your neck. My name is tattooed on your  ribs. You can't hide from me anymore. I see you. I see you, Charlie.  It's time to let me in." I stepped towards her again, hoping this time  she'd let me touch her, let me ground her here with me.

"Don't," she whispered, almost choking on the word. Wisps of her hair  became wild, framing her sad face, sticking to the tears that tracked  along her cheeks. I moved my hand slowly up to her and trailed my finger  down her temple, catching the hair, and pushing it behind her ear. Her  eyes closed at my touch and her head tilted into my palm. "You can't do  this to me, Asher." Her voice, still whisper soft, shot through me. "I  won't survive you again."                       
       
           



       

"Bit, you have to tell me what you're talking about." She began to worry me.

"That!" She wailed, gripping both of my hands that were now framing her  face. She wasn't pushing me away, or even pulling me in, she was just  holding on. "You're getting too close. This," she reached down and  grabbed the ring. "And this," her hand ran over the tattoo. "These are  mine. They're all I have left. You were never supposed to see them."

"But I have. I've seen them and now you have to tell me what it all  means." She turned away from me at my words, but still had no place to  go as she was still up against the counter. I could still see her face  in the mirror, her chest heaving up and down as she tried to control her  breaths. "When did you get that tattoo?"

"About a year after I left."

A whole year later? She's had that for twelve years? For twelve years  now, every time she undressed she saw my name? I moved closer to her,  eliminating the space between us, pressing up against her, hoping my  presence would convince her to open up and tell me everything.

"Why did you get it?"

"Because I still loved you and I wanted to remember it forever."

"If you still loved me, why did you leave? Why didn't you come back to me?"

"I TRIED!" She screamed. Her body shook with rage and I met her eyes in  the mirror. "I came to find you. I was in pain, my babies bleeding out  of me, and all I wanted was you, Asher. I only ever wanted you. I nearly  had to crawl up the stairs of the frat house; that's how much pain I  was in. Gripping my stomach, praying I wasn't losing the pregnancy, but  needing you. I needed you, Asher. Needed you to be there, to help me, to  comfort me, to tell me you still loved me."

"I do still love you," I said softly, reaching for her.

"DON'T! Don't touch me. I saw you. I saw you with her. I opened your  door and saw her on top of you and I saw your arm wrapped around her,  the arm with my name tattooed on it. You wrapped my name around some  other woman."

"No," I said automatically. "No." I repeated, as much for her as for me.  I shook my head. "I never slept with anyone else." Charlie spun around  in my arms and her hand came up to land a cracking slap across my face.  It stung and it caught me off guard, but I was more shattered by the  look on her face. I never wanted to see her broken, never wanted to be  the cause of her pain.

"You can't lie to me about this. You can't make me forget what I saw. I SAW YOU."

"I don't know what you saw, but I didn't sleep with anyone. I couldn't  have. I wasn't even coherent for weeks after we broke up." My eyes  frantically searched hers, looking for something that resembled  forgiveness or her realization that this was a mistake. "Please … " I  begged her. She froze up, realizing how close we were and she tried to  back up, caught between me and the counter, she didn't go far. "Please,  tell me what you saw. There has to be some mistake."

"I opened your door and saw a blonde girl sitting on top of you. Naked,  you were both naked. And I saw my name tattooed on your arm. It was you,  Asher, and some girl. Don't try to deny it."

I grabbed at the hair on my head in frustration and backed away from  her. I had no idea what she was talking about. Ever since I walked out  on her, the day she told me she was pregnant, every single day since, I  thought of no one but her. Sure, years later I ended up sleeping with  other people, but in the months and even years following that terrible  day there was no one.

"I don't understand," my mind reeled. What had she seen? How could she have seen anything?

"Don't try and lie, Asher. It doesn't matter what you say. I know what I saw."

I tried to rewind my mind, thinking back to the weeks I spent in a  drunken stupor over our break-up. There were girls around. There were  always girls. It was a frat house. A blonde? I remember a few blondes.  Damn it. Why did I have to drink so much? A fuzzy memory started to  surface. Shit.

"Wait," I said as much for her as for me. Images were coming to me and I  finally realized what she was talking about. "Charlie, wait," I said as  I rushed towards her again, my hands going to her shoulders.

"No, I've waited forever," she said, trying to shrug my hands away. "I  can't be here anymore. I've been stuck here, Asher. Stuck in this place  where I hate and love you at the same time, and it's exhausting. I'm  exhausted." She nearly crumpled in my hands, her admission exhausting  her even further.                       
       
           



       

"I never slept with her. Let me explain. Please, don't let everything  end like this  –  with a lie or a misunderstanding." I stared into her  eyes, pleading with her to let me make it all right, praying she would  allow me to fix everything. To fix her. To fix me.

She didn't say anything, but she didn't struggle away from me either. I took that as a green light.

"That day, when I left you, when I said those miserable things to you,  it was the worst day of my life. I was so shocked by the pregnancy, so  upset by everything and the way I'd treated you, I literally went back  to the house and drank. I drank for weeks, Bit. It's a surprise I  managed to pass any of my classes that term. If I was awake, I was a  mess." I moved closer to her, wanting to feel her a little more. If this  was the last time I was allowed to touch her, I would take advantage.  My hands slid up her arms and I felt goose bumps flood her skin.

"There were a few girls, here and there, who noticed I was alone and  realized we'd broken up. They flirted with me. They came on to me, and  they tried to sleep with me." She stiffened at my words and I could feel  her try to pull away. "But I didn't care," I said quickly, trying not  to lose her. "I didn't want any of them; I just wanted you. There was  one girl who seemed more eager than the rest, but I told her every time  that I wasn't interested." I swallowed hard, knowing the next part would  be the hardest to say out loud, the hardest part to watch her hear.

"One afternoon, I was smashed. So drunk I couldn't even stand up on my  own. It was the middle of the afternoon and I was nearly passed out  drunk. There was a girl there and she was blonde. Do you remember  Tracy?" I watched as Charlie's eyes iced over at the mention of her  name. "That day, the day you must have seen me, I was drunk, Bit. I  couldn't get to my room alone. She walked me up the stairs and I was too  drunk to stop her when she tried to take my clothes off." I shook my  head at the memory, as fuzzy as it was. I remembered that night and  nothing had happened.

"Eventually, she realized nothing was going to happen because nothing  could happen, and what you saw was me removing her from me. I was saying  your name, telling her I loved you. I never slept with her. Ever."