"I hope he can hear me and that Mom is with him." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I knew tears had started flowing down her face. "I hope they all know how much I love them and how much I miss them. I will try to make them proud."
The rest of the service was predictable, yet sad. I took deep breaths hoping to steady myself as I stood to sneak out of the church before the service concluded. I couldn't risk Charlie seeing me. I came to the service to say goodbye to Charles, but also to satisfy some sick need to be near her, to see her one last time. But I wouldn't bring her any more pain today by letting her see me. I left the church and tried hard to reconcile myself to the idea that I would never see her again. The last glimpse I might ever have of her was much like the one I had thirteen years ago.
Sad.
Crying.
Broken.
There was nothing I could do but go home and try to drown every piece of pain I was feeling, hoping to wake up feeling just as terrible because it was what I deserved.
Chapter Five
Charlie
I shut the door to my motel room and walked towards my car. I couldn't bring myself to stay at my father's house. I hadn't even been inside it since I'd been back in Willow Falls. I didn't know what to do about it and I figured I would have to go there at some point, but I was going to avoid it as long as possible. I wasn't ready to see all of my father's things waiting for him to return. Not ready to try and sift through the life he'd left behind. No. I'd let that wait for a little while.
I wasn't in any rush to get back to New York. I wasn't even really sure there was anything to go back to. Explaining to David that I didn't want him to come to my father's funeral hadn't left our relationship in a very stable place. He told me that if I went without him, if I chose to go through such an emotional and tumultuous time without him, then I didn't need him the way he needed me. I couldn't disagree with him. I didn't need him. I used him for five years – used him to feel a little normal, a little less crazy, and a little less lonely. But I didn't need him, didn't love him. So I was back in Willow Falls alone, only this time I was a little more alone than I had been in a while and it sucked.
I was on my way to pick up Reeve who insisted that she come with me to the reading of my father's will. There was no way to avoid driving past the elementary school we all attended. I told myself I wasn't going to look, wasn't going to force myself to think about the past, but my eyes couldn't be controlled and wandered over the school grounds as I drove by. I saw the swing set I'd spent countless evenings on with him, spotted the alleyway we would walk through together. Seeing all of these places, imagining ourselves young and carefree, reminiscing about our childhood, wasn't what I needed this morning.
When I pulled up in front of Reeve's house I saw her door open and she stepped out. Her husband was right behind her and she turned to give him a quick kiss on the lips. I had met her husband once when I attended their wedding. It was a destination wedding in the Bahamas which was the only reason I agreed to go. I would not come back to Willow Falls for her wedding, there was too high of a risk coming back here.
He seemed like a nice man and it was obvious he loved Reeve very much. Their kids were adorable. There were times I felt guilty that her kids didn't know me and I wasn't a bigger part of their lives, but being around kids was just too difficult for me. I hated being so broken. I hated that I couldn't let go of everything that happened, or move on, but I couldn't find a way to be ok.
"Hey Charlie," she said with a smile as she got in the car. I found it comforting that as we drove to the lawyer's office she still talked non-stop. She was going on and on about some disaster that happened that morning, something involving her youngest child and a toilet. I tried to listen but found myself focusing on the cadence of her words, the rhythm of her voice. Luckily Reeve rambled the entire way to the office never asking me for any interaction. When we arrived she continued her chatting until we were well inside the building standing at the receptionist's desk.
"Hi, my name is Charlie McBride and I have an appointment with Mr. Libman." The woman looked at her computer screen and then back up to me.
"Of course. Let me walk you back to the conference room. Mr. Libman is out of the building but should be here very soon." I smiled at her as she stood and led us to a room with a long conference table. I smiled politely at her as I took a seat while Reeve sat down next to me. "Can I get the two of you anything to drink? Water? Tea? Coffee?" The receptionist asked. I shook my head.
"No, thank you. I think we're fine," Reeve answered with a smile. She left the room and Reeve and I exchanged glances. "Thanks for moving the meeting up to this morning. I really appreciate it. We've had this birthday party planned for months now. Are you sure you don't want to come? We'd love to have you."
This was probably the fifth time Reeve tried to get me to come to her daughter's birthday party. I shook my head at her again. "I'm just not up for it. You can understand, right? I'm sorry."
Reeve placed her hand on my shoulder and I tried not to pull away from her touch. "I totally get it. I just hope we get to see each other a little before you leave town." I nodded and tried to smile, but didn't want to give her false hope. The only reason she was here with me was because she pretty much insisted and I didn't want to argue with her. I wouldn't be going to her daughter's birthday party, I wouldn't be going to their house for dinner, and I wouldn't be resuming my life like nothing had happened. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I didn't plan on telling her that.
A few minutes later a man opened the door and walked in. Reeve and I both stood and he eyed us. I stuck my hand out towards him. "Good morning, I am Charlie McBride." I tried to sound confident and strong, not like the scared young girl I was beginning to feel like. "This is my friend Reeve. She's here for emotional support." He nodded at Reeve and smiled.
"Hello Ms. McBride, my name is Phillip Libman. I am sorry for your recent loss," he said as he gently shook my hand, sounding sincere but still rehearsed. He was probably very used to saying that to people. I tried not to let it bother me. "Let us take a seat and get started." He motioned towards the seat I just vacated. I sat and took a deep breath, not ready to go through this. Reeve reached over and placed her hand over mine that rested on top of the table.
"Ms. McBride, I'm going to be honest with you, I don't usually handle wills. My law firm isn't typically involved in probate law. We did this as a favor to your father as we all respected him very much. So, if it's ok with you, I'd like to skip over the legal jargon and get to the real meat of the document." I nodded, agreeing, but confused as to how my father knew this man and how they'd come to respect him so much. "Your father was very well organized and did a very good job planning for his passing. He made it abundantly clear from the very beginning that you were his main concern and he simply wanted you to be comfortably situated after he was gone." He looked at me and I felt his sincerity in those words. The stinging I felt in the back of my throat was familiar by this point and I struggled to hold back tears at the mention of my father's thoughts towards me. If there was one thing I was sure of, it would always be that my father loved me. So, I wasn't surprised to hear that his will was a representation of that. Reeve pulled out a small packet of tissues from her purse and handed them to me. I took them from her, grateful for them, grateful for her, too, in that moment.
"Thank you," I mouthed at her, not trusting my voice to work. She squeezed my hand and it was the most comforting thing I'd felt in years.
"Your mother had a very good life insurance policy, Ms. McBride. When your father received the money, he never touched it. He put it into an account that had very generous interest rates and it's been growing for the last twenty years. Your father also had a large life insurance policy. After his diagnosis he wasn't able to add to it, understandably, but I am sure you will have enough to be comfortable for the rest of your life." Mr. Libman moved some papers around, looking for something in particular. He found it and pinpointed it with his finger, reading the words to me. "The total estate left by Mr. Charles Anthony McBride to his only heir, a Ms. Charlie Anna McBride totals six million, five hundred and fifty-five thousand, four hundred and twelve dollars."