"Tam." His tone brooked no refusal. "Talk to me."
"I think I love him," I said in a rush.
"Who, Kai?"
I risked a glance in Master's direction, needing to see he wasn't angry with me. He didn't look angry. He looked... stunned.
I nodded miserably. "I have feelings for him, I can't deny it, and I feel so horribly guilty because I'm not sure he even likes me most of the time, and I worry you'll think I prefer him when I don't, but then I wonder how I can feel what I feel for him without it changing my feelings for you, and I don't want my feeling for you to change because I love you and I always have, and you've been so good to me, and, and-"
"Tammy, breathe." Master put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him. His body was warm and firm, and it felt like coming home. I clung to him shamelessly as he petted my hair and shushed me. "I knew you'd develop feelings for him," he said when I quietened. "Why do you think I kept you to myself for so long? You're too sweet-natured not to care about the people in your life. It was inevitable you would grow to love Kai as your relationship developed."
"So, you're not angry?" I asked tremulously, needing to hear him say the words.
He lifted my head, brushed the hair out of my eyes, and kissed my nose. "No, I'm not angry with you," he said softly. "I'm pleased you two get along so well. I knew the moment I saw him you'd picked the perfect companion, despite your misgivings. He's beautiful, Tammy, and seeing the two of you together is beautiful."
"I love you," I said firmly, wanting him to know the truth of my words. Some would say I loved him because he was all I knew, because I was a dumb slave captured as a child and raised in his household and I knew no better, but I loved him for more than simply being there. He was the one who offered comfort when I was frightened, who'd taught me to read and write and encouraged me to better myself, and in his own way returned my affection to the best of his ability. He would never-could never-love me, but my loving him was not dependent on reciprocity.
"I know, Tammy. I've always known that." He squeezed my shoulders, and I smiled at the affectionate gesture. "You have nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to Kai. Tell me, does he feel the same about you?"
I was saved from answering by the interruption of a triumphant bellow from the paddock. Looking up, I smiled to see Kai standing over a third fallen opponent, his staff wielded over his head. Master chuckled. "He's certainly passionate."
"He is," I agreed, my cheeks warming as I recalled the way his passion had spent itself the previous night.
"Does he tell you he loves you, Tammy?"
I shook my head, hiding behind the long curtain of my hair.
"He will." Master gave me a consoling squeeze.
"And you won't be upset if he does?"
Master sighed, and for a heartbeat, an expression crossed his face so full of pain and sorrow it stole my breath. And then it was gone, so swiftly I wondered if I had seen it to begin with. "It's what I want for you," he admitted. "Every man should know how it feels to be loved at least once in his life."
"Oh." I bit my lip, struggling to hide how crushed I was by his words. It was one thing to know he didn't love me, another matter entirely to hear him say it so casually.
I fixed my attention on Kai, smiling to see him surrounded by friendly faces, the guards congratulating him for his good showing. He looked so much in his element, it was hard to believe he was the same man I'd purchased not two months earlier. Did he love me? Could he? My heart skipped a beat as I owned to myself I wanted that, however selfish it may make me. Unlike my unrequited affection for our master, however, what I was offering Kai was more than an object to love: it was loving in return. Despite Master's lofty talk, I suspected that was one thing not even he had ever truly experienced.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
"What about this one?" I waved a swatch of brightly-coloured cloth at Kai, who wrinkled his nose in disgust. Laughing, I added it to the Definitely Not pile which was growing on the floor beside me.
We were in Kai's chamber, although it wouldn't be such for much longer. As a reward for doing so well in his training, Master had offered him the opportunity to furnish his sparse room. It was a sign of how far we had come that he was going to be trusted with possessions of his own.
Kai, however, had declined the offer, much to both my and Master's surprise. Instead, stammering bashfully, he had admitted he rarely entered his chamber at all, spending his nights in my bed instead, and suggested we could turn his chamber into a dayroom for us both. Permission had been granted immediately, and Master had ordered several of the better cloth merchants and furniture dealers from Otiz's markets to call on us at the compound to discuss what we wanted.
I had thought myself spoilt in the past, but it was nothing to the level of indulgence with which Kai's desires had been met. After a week of meetings with various traders, we had a pile of swatches to work through and several different options as to furniture. I favoured a warm and cosy nook with lots of pillows and soft seating so I could curl up and read. Kai had a more utilitarian nature and wanted a purposeful space, somewhere he could exercise with the weights Master had presented to him after overhearing him complain he lacked the muscle strength in his arms to properly wield the heavy weapons the guards used.
A compromise of sorts had been reached, and we decided to pad the floor and walls of half the room, leaving the half nearest the door for my opulent den. That way I could keep Kai company as he exercised, and he could provide something for me to look at when I tired of reading. First, however, we had to decide on a colour scheme.
"Nothing pink," Kai growled, eyeing the swatches I had yet to peruse.
I stuck my tongue out at him.
"It's an ugly colour," he protested.
"It's a warm colour."
"And this room is already warm enough. This green is nice." He held up a square of material in a lurid shade of lime, and I made retching noises until he put it down.
"Nothing too dark, and nothing too bold," I decided. "It'll only make the space seem smaller than it already is."
"Who made you the expert?"
"I read a book."
Kai laughed. "Is there anything you haven't read a book about?"
"Not much," I admitted, unable to contain the prideful edge in my voice.
He threw himself down on the mattress beside me, ruffled my long hair and, when I objected, silenced me with a kiss. "If you really like the pink, then we'll have it."
"No, you hate it." I set all the pinks aside. "This is our room, Kai. I want us to love it equally."
He gave me an affectionate look.
"How about green?" I suggested. "Not that green"-I indicated the discarded swatch-"but a lighter one, perhaps."
He rummaged through the pile at our feet and produced a pale mint-coloured scrap. "This one?"
I examined it, taking it and holding it before me, trying to picture the room swathed in that colour. "I think I like it."
"Or purple." His next offering was a lilac shade. "And midnight blue."
"Evening colours."
"Exactly."
"With red highlights." I found a soft, crushed velvet in dark crimson and held it against the others he'd suggested.
"We could do the ceiling in the blue." He rose from the bed, growing animated as he waved swatches around, showing me what he envisioned. "We'll pad the back wall in the same colour, and finish the rest in the purple. Edge it with crimson braids, and your cushions could match."
I smiled to see him getting so carried away, his green eyes dancing with light as he turned in the centre of the room. "White furs," I decided. "On the floor, that is. They'll look stunning against the blue."
"And that desk you liked." One of the furniture dealers had shown us a small teak desk, perfect for one person to work at. I rather feared I had lusted after it a little too openly.
"We don't need it," I said. "What possible purpose could we put it to?"
"You can write there," Kai said. "Or read if you tire of the cushions."
"What would I write?"
"Does it matter?" He smiled sweetly. "You'd look just like Master at his desk."
I hung my head to cover my face with my hair, his thoughts matching mine too closely for comfort. I feared I only coveted the desk in hopes it would make me seem more impressive and important than I truly was. What use had a pleasureslave for a desk?
"Only more handsome."
I looked up incredulously. I knew my appearance was unusual, and some would say striking, but Kai couldn't possibly think me more handsome than our master, surely? Yet the heated gleam in his emerald eyes said otherwise. All thoughts of swatches and colour schemes fled as he approached, and we wasted no time adding two more stains to the soiled mattress.