"How can you say that?"
"Life was harder in the desert. We spent our days seeking food and water, and often there was not enough of either. We were too hot in the day, too cold at night, and everything we had was dearly won. I spoke neither Granthian nor Thirskan, nor any language recognised by the kingdoms surrounding our home. We had no money, no masters, and no demands on our time save our own wants."
Kai sighed softly. "It sounds incredible."
I smiled. "You're a romantic."
"How so?"
"You're judging my life then by your standards now. It was hard-I was always hungry, always thirsty, always too hot or too cold, and the future was always uncertain. When the soldiers came"-I broke off on a shudder, still involuntary, even after fifteen years-"there was nobody to protect us, to punish them or save the rest of my family from what those monsters did. The only reason I'm still alive is because of my worth as a slave.
"Here, I'm safe. Master protects me-his name alone is enough to safeguard us all-he feeds and clothes me, gives me possessions the like of which I'd never dreamed existed, offers more security than my family ever could. He can do that because he's a wealthy, powerful man, living in a land which respects his riches. I might have been free in the desert, but I have a better life and more secure future as a slave."
"Only because you trust him to keep providing for you," Kai countered. "He could sell you tomorrow."
I hated how matter-of-fact he was, how reasonable he thought Master dismissing me would be. The idea that in Kai I was training my eventual replacement made me sick.
"Then I'd better keep him happy, hadn't I?" I snapped, flinging the covers aside and rising from the bed. The cold air of Kai's room hit my skin like a slap, minute hairs rising all over my body.
"Tam, wait." He caught my hand, preventing me from leaving. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"How could you not?" I demanded, shaking myself free of his grasp. "You think I want you here? You think I don't wish he'd never sent me to the slave market at all? I was happy, Kai. I thought he was, too."
"Tam, please...." The comforter slid off the mattress as he moved closer. "I-I know you don't want me here. I know this hasn't been easy for you. I've ruined your life and I never intended to. I never wanted this."
"You haven't ruined my life," I grudgingly admitted, trying not to pout. It wasn't Kai's fault he'd been purchased, any more than it was mine. We just had to find a way to make the best of our situation.
With a show of reluctance, I allowed him to take my hand and coax me back onto the bed. He was still hesitant about us touching, but I decided I didn't care anymore. Snuggling comfortably under the covers until only the top of my head was showing, I let my body go lax. If Kai lay awake all night in his discomfort, I wasn't conscious to witness it.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The next day was the first of what was to become our routine. After presenting for Master at breakfast, I spent the morning attempting to teach Kai to speak Thirskan, and we spent the afternoon in the pool, where I paddled in the shallow end while he tried to coax me deeper. I trusted him not to let me get out of my depth, a reflexive panic still seized me whenever my feet left the bottom. Undaunted, Kai declared it only a matter of time before he had me swimming with all the confidence he exhibited.
We passed the evening in Master's chamber, reviewing what we had learnt that day. He seemed pleased both with our progress and our cooperation with each other, and I preened under his words of praise.
We left him early that night, and the one following, despite my offers to linger. Master dismissed me with a world-weary wave of his hand, and I withdrew, subdued and a little upset.
The lack of sex didn't trouble me; I had been deprived for longer, and without Master teasing and tormenting me, I felt no pressing need for release. Instead, I missed the intimacy of his touch; gentle kisses bestowed almost absently, given without purpose or demand. It crossed my mind that Master was wary of making Kai jealous, but I dismissed the thought. If he truly wanted more to develop between us, as he claimed, then Kai's jealousy would be better provoked than eased.
Not that Kai was jealous.
We might not have tumbled straight into bed as Master seemed to have wanted, but I felt hopeful we could at least be friends. I found I enjoyed his company. He was sharp-witted and gentle-natured, and he had the most beautiful, infectious laugh when he forgot himself and let it out. I quickly learnt he grew morose when left alone for too long, and I took to sleeping in his chamber, keeping him company through the lonely hours of night when he would otherwise succumb to grief and remorse.
He still spoke very little of his life before his purchase, keeping those details close like precious gems; the last of his autonomy. I burned with curiosity, most particularly about his friendship with the man who had died, but Kai would clam up and grow snappish whenever I broached the subject, so I learnt to let it drop.
I couldn't conceive of a world where love between men was forbidden, and I struggled to understand how such laws were even enforced. Outside our compound, there was nobody to know what any of us did in our bedchambers, so how did a state police such private acts? And for what purpose?
I suspected, however, that common intimacies were avoided in case they were misconstrued, and it was with something almost like pity I responded when Kai forgot himself enough to welcome my simple, sexless touches with a gratitude bordering on desperation. Within a matter of days, he had blossomed from the shy, reticent creature I had bought-overly-conscious of every point of contact, so quick to tremble under my hands and sleep in a tight coil in the corner of his bed-into an affectionate young man.
He also took well to our routine, seeming to find pleasure in each slow step of his lessons in Thirskan, and he loved our afternoons spent frolicking in the pool. For my own part, I was not used to life being so carefree, as even though I had only the lightest of duties to perform, I was accustomed to spending my days quietly indoors, bettering myself in order to further please Master with my progress.
At twenty-seven, I was a proficient reader of both Thirskan and Granthian; I spoke the former like a native and the latter well enough, although Kai still giggled at my accent. I had read every book on Master's many shelves at least once, and I tried to understand as much of their content-everything from agriculture to warfare-as I possibly could.
Kai couldn't understand why Master had bothered with my education at all. It was a thought I returned to in the darkness of the depths of night when he was sleeping by my side. I had thought Master enjoyed my companionship, that he craved an intelligent audience, but Kai's prompting had me realise for the first time that Master rarely spoke to me of any such matters, save to enquire what I had learnt that day.
It was a thought which nagged as time moved on.
҉҉҉
"What is it, Tam?"
I cleared my throat, suddenly apprehensive, although I rarely was when Master was around. We had spent the evening in his chamber, as we did each night when he returned to the compound from carrying out his day's duties. When he dismissed us, I disobeyed and approached him instead.
He looked tired, I noted with some concern. Dark circles underscored his deep brown eyes, which looked almost black in the liquid amber light thrown by the fire and the long tallow candle guttering atop his desk. Perhaps my questions were inappropriate, perhaps I had chosen a bad time. Kai's presence had distracted me, but I realised, with a sinking heart, I had never known Master to be absent from his house so frequently, or for so long.
I hesitated, unsure if I should bring up my uncertainties or offer him some clearly-needed comfort instead-or even leave him in peace to rest, as he so obviously desired.
"Tam, I asked you a question."
"I-I'm sorry, Master."
His lips quirked. "Why are you sorry?"
"I... I...."
He released me from my self-imposed torment with a gentle smile, opening his arms for me to sink into.
"That will be all, Kai."
Master's voice rumbled against my chest as he spoke, and I turned in his lap, surprised to see Kai still hesitating in the doorway. I nodded to him, and reluctantly he left.
I turned to Master, and he tucked a long strand of hair behind my ear. I threw my arms around his neck and clung to him, revelling in the heat and scent of him, his strong arms and the slow, reassuring beat of his heart.
"What is it?" he asked softly, petting me as I began to tremble.
"I don't know," I admitted, my voice muffled in the crook of his neck.
He pulled his loose turquoise robe around us both and rocked me on his lap, shushing me. "It's all right," he said, over and over. "I'm here."