Dad shook his head. ‘No, he’s not your husband.’
I didn’t want to make Dad feel foolish, but Massimo hadn’t seen him for so long, I felt as though I had to make some kind of stand, if only to show Massimo how bad things were.
‘I think you’re a bit confused today, Dad.’
I pulled a ‘bear with me’ face at Massimo. I picked up our wedding picture from the top of the television. ‘Look, that’s me on my wedding day, with Massimo. You walked me down the aisle in the church, remember?’
Dad started worrying at the buttons on his cardigan. ‘Not him. Not him. Not him.’
Massimo put out his hand. ‘Well, it’s nice to see you anyway, Robert.’
Dad frowned and put his hand in his pocket, shaking his head. ‘No.’
Massimo shrugged. I wanted to grab Dad by his shoulders and explain that Massimo paid for his care, that he was a good man, who looked after him and it was just rude not to shake his hand. Dad had never been rude. I grimaced at Massimo. I felt as though he was expecting me to defend him, but I didn’t want to agitate Dad any further. I hadn’t seen this side to his disease, though they had warned me at the nursing home that he might become aggressive.
Maggie tried to save the day. ‘Robert, what were you singing then? Do you know “Amazing Grace”?’
And with that, she burst into a really lovely version, pausing between lines to say to me, ‘Why don’t you make some tea?’
I could have hugged her as Dad narrowed his eyes in concentration and started to mouth the odd word, with some wheezy humming in between.
I went out to the kitchen, grief for who he was rising in my chest, filling me with sorrow for all the times I could have insisted on going to visit him, times when his brain knitted together much better than it did now, before every single memory had to be jump-started like a car with faulty spark plugs. I should have stood my ground when Massimo couldn’t drive me because he had ‘too many emails’, ‘a report for Monday’. Thank God I could drive now. I’d have to talk to Massimo about buying a little second-hand car so I could nip over and see Dad at least twice a week. Tears filled my eyes as I wondered how long it would be before he didn’t know me either.
Massimo followed me through. ‘How long has he been here?’
‘We picked him up first thing this morning. He’s going home in a couple of hours.’
I stopped myself from making excuses about why my dad was visiting his daughter and grandson. I wanted to wring my hands and bleat ‘Hope you don’t mind’. But maybe that was just normal consideration from a wife towards a husband. I was so conscious of not apologising for everything all the time, of not being ‘so bloody drippy’ as Maggie would put it, I was probably in danger of being rude myself.
Massimo wrinkled his nose. ‘He’s gone downhill quite fast since I last saw him. Very confused.’
‘I know.’
‘We should get him to see another neurological specialist, see if we can get some answers about how quickly his dementia is going to progress.’
Everything in me slumped. ‘I’m not sure I want to know.’ I put the kettle on.
Massimo came up behind me and kissed my neck. ‘We’ll get the best care we can for him, darling.’
‘There is one bit of good news though.’ I didn’t know why I had to take a deep breath before saying that.
He raised his eyebrows. ‘What?’
‘I’ve passed my driving test.’ I didn’t manage to deliver that with the vigour I’d hoped for, leaning towards apologetic rather than triumphant.
Massimo threw his arms around me. My face was buried in his shoulder with my neck at a slightly awkward angle. I waited for him to let go of me but he squeezed me even more tightly. A bubble of panic rose inside me, I wanted to shake him off, to wriggle free. Then he released me, his face bright with delight. ‘You really are full of surprises today, you little superstar.’
I had to stop imagining the worst all the time.
I filled him in on how Maggie had taught me in secret.
‘I thought you weren’t interested in learning to drive?’
Was there a note of petulance in his voice?
‘I wanted to see more of Dad without involving you in the logistics. Just thought it would be easier if I could get myself there without bothering you. It’s not exactly a fun day out.’
‘You only had to say, my darling. I thought you didn’t want to go very often because you found it so distressing.’
Honestly, Massimo and I had the communication skills of a mobile phone out of battery. I needed to stop guessing what Massimo thought and just ask him outright.