"Just be a good dad to our son. To your daughter."
"I'm determined to."
"Goodnight."
"Maybe I could call you for parenting advice?" he got in before I could hang up.
I almost laughed. "I don't think so."
"It was worth a shot."
"Goodnight." I hung up right away this time. I grabbed a pillow from Neil's old side of the bed and grieved into it. Racking sobs. I don't know if it helped or if I was any closer to getting over him, but I'd taken a step. The most important one, the next one.
~*~
Peter became my confidant and counselor. He was a trained professional, after all. We took long, cold walks during work when we could, even in the snow. He was the only person who knew about Reed. I wasn't keeping it a secret anymore because I felt like I had to, but because Reed had disappeared. I had texted him on Thanksgiving in an effort to reach out. It was a simple, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you're enjoying your trip.
He was supposed to go home to Wisconsin to be with his family and serve dinner at the high school he used to teach at. They did a dinner there for kids with no family or place to go. He was a good man. Even if he was ignoring me. I knew he was alive because Cody mentioned talking to him in the hall last week at school-after Thanksgiving break.
I pulled my hood on and shoved my gloved hands in my coat pockets. Flurries flitted in the cold December air. "How's Delanie? Is she recovered from her cold yet?" She had gotten sick on their trip to New York.
"She's better. Thanks for the soup and dinners every night last week."
"You're welcome. I have no life."
"Whatever, Sidelined Wife."
"Such a fitting title for me." I was thankful for my followers. They had gotten me through my sucktastic first holiday without my kid. I ended up running a contest of the best holiday breakup where we all voted for the winner.
The lucky-or unlucky-woman received a gift certificate to her local spa. The poor dear who won had been with her boyfriend for five years and she thought they were getting engaged. She found the ring of her dreams in his nightstand drawer. She told her mom and sisters and they frantically prepared with manicures and the perfect outfit. She and her boyfriend showed up at her parents' place for Christmas dinner and, no kidding, when he was down on one knee asking for her hand in front of her entire family, the police raided the home and arrested him for counterfeiting. The ring was paid for with counterfeit bills.
She deserved more than a spa day, especially since she was interrogated for hours to rule her out as a suspect too, but that's all I could afford for now. I did have some lucrative contracts lined up, though. I was about ready to sign a deal for a cookbook with a dash of my wisdom sprinkled throughout. Not sure how wise I was. I was trying, this time harder.
"I thought you liked the sidelines?" Peter laughed.
"I do."
"Maybe you'll find someone who likes them as much as you."
I shrugged.
"You still haven't heard from Reed?"
"No." I kicked a rock on the path. "Maybe that's good. I've taken your advice. I'm painting my room and making it my own, trying to stay busy, but not so busy I'm ignoring my feelings." I found painting to be therapeutic. You could cry and paint at the same time.
"Are you still writing in your journal?"
Peter had suggested I get a journal since writing my blog had been helpful. He thought a private journal where I could write intimate details and pains I'd rather keep discreet would be beneficial. I think he was right. Anger subsided quicker once it was out on paper. It even let me feel the good times with Neil, which was harder than the worst times. Those pages had many tear stains, but in those moments, I could see peeks of light at the end of what seemed like a very dark and lonely tunnel.
Autumn Moone was right, I had to learn from the darkness. And oh, what a book she had written. A Black Night was her crowning achievement so far. The chemistry was amazing and ice-cube-down-my-shirt worthy. Laine and Hunter came together and it was magical. Unfortunately, I was right. They were torn apart at the end by Hunter's mother, who, oddly, kind of reminded me of Ma. I didn't guess that she would be the means, but I was furious with her. I mean, why did she have to bring up Laine's past? There were hints of a child. Very intriguing. I couldn't wait until the next book.
"I've filled several pages, brother. I'll probably burn it someday."
"That's not a bad idea."
I kept my focus on my feet and the gravel path. "Are Reed and me a bad idea?" I wasn't even sure why I was asking. From all the signs, he wasn't waiting.
"You care about him?"
"Very much. He probably doesn't think so, but I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I was more myself around him than with any man I'd ever been with. Maybe I wasn't as open as he would have liked me to be, but I was me. Or at least all of me I could be at the time. That should count for something, right?"
Peter's breath played in the cold air. "I think so. And as weird as it is to think about you dating Reed, I think you deserve each other. He's a good guy, despite what I consider his recent failings."
My head popped up. "What are those?"
"He gave up way too quickly. You deserve better than that."
"Thanks, little brother." I nudged him. "I think if you hurry, you can still have lunch with your wife."
The red in his cheeks wasn't from the cold. But no one needed to tell him twice. He sprinted to his truck.
Maybe someday I would have a man run home for me. And maybe next time I would be ready for it.
Chapter Forty-Six
I knew I would regret not going to the grocery store earlier, but life had been chaotic with Christmas shopping, signing contracts, attending to my blog, work, getting Cody through finals, the list could go on and on.
That's why I was shopping the Saturday before Christmas along with everyone else in Chicagoland. It didn't help that the weather forecasted ten inches of snow tomorrow. People were stocking up. They all knew ten inches could easily turn into twenty with lake effect snow. At least my Christmas shopping was done. I had done most of it online. I even had most of the presents wrapped.
It was our first Christmas as a family of two. We were starting our own traditions, like we planned to go to the movies Christmas Day instead of watching Neil's favorite holiday movie, It's a Wonderful Life, at home. Though we would still have Christmas Eve tea with Gelaire and, yes, Neil and his daughter, possibly baby mama too. We had to be parents to Cody, despite our feelings for each other, or should I say my feelings for Neil. Christmas Eve night we would eat dinner at my parents' before heading to mass. My Christmas wish was that Ma would make amends with Peter and Delanie so we could all be together. I wasn't holding my breath.
What I was doing was making my way through the maze of people in the store. I had to squeeze between two other shoppers to get to the oranges. I always made orange rolls for Christmas Eve dinner, and I needed the zest and juice from several oranges to make them just right.
While I was picking out the perfect citrus, I heard my name. The voice made my insides swish and my heart swell. My head popped up to see the man that belonged to the voice. He stood across from me near the apples.
This wasn't our grocery store; I was back to using the closest one to me, but he looked as good here as he had in ours. He was wearing a stocking cap and a tentative smile. It went well with his stubble and bright blue eyes.
"Sam, how are you?"
I swallowed down my heart. I held up my bag of oranges for some reason. I always did stupid things around him. "Busy, but good."
It was true. I wasn't completely healed, but I was on the road to recovery. I was inching my way through the dark; sometimes I even felt like I moved a few feet. "How are you?" I remembered to ask.
His tentative smile showed signs of smoldering. "Better now."
Another shopper was giving me the look and huffing like I needed to move on. She probably wanted oranges too.
I was torn. I wanted to stay right where I was and talk to Reed, but it wasn't the time. And for all I knew, he had moved on. I hadn't heard a peep from him in weeks. "I hope you have a Merry Christmas." I placed the bag full of oranges in my cart and moved out of the way.
"You too." He didn't follow me or say another word.
I don't know why I expected him to. Disappointment filled me, but there was nothing I could do about it in the middle of the crowded store. I would go home and vent to my journal, or maybe paint my bathroom. Home improvement projects were becoming my favorite form of therapy.