I was beginning to wonder if August Moone had some supernatural abilities beyond being unknown. She sent a card with the book that read, Embrace the night, learn what the darkness has to teach. You can never appreciate the light until you do. Then once the light comes, it will warm you and illuminate your path in ways you never dreamed of.
It was like she knew what I was grappling with. Maybe I should have been creeped out by it, but I took solace in her words. Though I had no idea how to embrace the night. I was afraid of the dark.
Peter peeked his handsome head into my office. Like all of us, some of the light was dimmed in his eyes. He was team Delanie one hundred percent, as he should have been, but family was important to Peter and he hated the separation between him and Ma. He had been a mama's boy growing up. And James and I always suspected Peter was Ma's favorite.
"Hey, sis. Can I talk to you?"
"Sure." I turned away from my monitor. I was tired of updating vendor accounts anyway.
He shut my door and took the only other seat in the office, in front of my desk. He looked worn, with red cheeks from working out in the cold. They were finishing up a job for the city park, winterizing and redoing the mulch before the big snow came. He rubbed his cold, dry hands together and blew into them.
"You look like a lumberjack in your flannel shirt."
He gave me a small smile. "Delanie finds it sexy."
I knew someone else that liked flannel, but I didn't mention it. "That's true love, there."
"Speaking of love." He leaned forward. "Do you want tell me what's going on between you and Reed?" Peter's knowing eyes weren't going to let me off the hook.
I took a deep breath and let it out. "I can honestly say, nothing."
"Let me rephrase. What happened between you?"
My eyes betrayed me; they pooled with tears.
Peter handed me a tissue from the box that sat on my desk.
I took it and dabbed the corner of my eyes. "We were secretly dating, or at least I thought we were."
He tilted his head. "Either you were or you weren't."
"I thought we were, but what I was really doing was hurting him." Moisture continued to accumulate and run down my cheeks.
He handed me another tissue. "It looks like he wasn't the only one hurt. What happened?"
I wrung the tissue in my hands. "I didn't realize-or I wouldn't admit it to myself-that he wanted more than I could give, more than I was ready for. I'm damaged goods, and I really suck at relationships."
Peter shook his head. "That's not true. You are a great friend, sister, mother, daughter, and you were a good wife."
"Then why did Neil leave? And now Reed?" I begged to know.
Peter's eyes said he wished he had an answer. "Have you ever asked Neil?"
"He thinks I made him leave."
"What about Reed?"
"He says he's willing to wait until I figure things out. He thinks I'm still hung up on Neil and closed off."
Peter leaned back. "Is he right?"
My fists balled up. "I don't love Neil."
Peter reached across and placed his cold hand on top of my clenched one. His eyes were trying to reach me and understand my pain.
"You were married for a long time. That kind of love just doesn't go away, even when a betrayal so deep has occurred. Maybe you've been hiding from the love to lessen the pain. That's a natural reaction."
"How could I still love him after everything he did to me?"
"Because you're human, Sam. Loving him doesn't make you less of a person, nor does it mean you should be together. But you have to go through the pain."
"I feel like that's all I've done," I cried.
He squeezed my hand. "You have to forgive him, for yourself."
"How do I do that?" I desperately wanted to know.
"We think that time heals wounds, and maybe it helps, but I've found that we must actively be doing."
"Doing what?"
"All that we do requires action, faith, love, forgiveness. Even letting go and receiving love."
I wiped my eyes. "It might be too late for Reed. He said he wouldn't wait forever."
"Sam, if we all waited to be whole to give or receive love, we would live in a very dark world indeed. We're all broken. Some more than others, and some less than they think." He gave me a little wink.
"I bet you were a good priest."
He sat back. "I hope I'm a better husband."
"I think you do okay there." I gave him a small grin. "Thank you. I guess I have some work to do."
"You're not the only one."
Was he talking about himself or someone else?
Chapter Forty-Five
I sat cross-legged on my bed late that night. My hand shook as I dialed Neil's number. I tried to take Peter's advice. I had to feel the pain, and the only way I could think of was to get the whole truth, the why of it all. Maybe if I knew, I could deal with it, as painful as it would probably be.
His phone rang a couple of times. Perhaps I should have waited until morning, but I figured he had a newborn, he would be up. According to Gelaire, the bundle of joy had her days and nights mixed up. Cody had attested to that and her set of lungs.
I almost hung up.
"Sam, is Cody okay?"
"Uh, yeah." His query caught me off guard. "Why wouldn't he be?"
"I can't think of why else you would call."
"I hope I didn't wake you." I stalled to tell him the reason.
"I've got a long night ahead of me."
"I bet."
"What's wrong, Samantha?"
I guess he still knew me. I breathed in deep to not only draw some courage, but to stave off the tears. "Where did it go wrong for you?"
He paused. "Where's this coming from?"
"I need to know why you left me."
"You told me to leave."
"That's not what I mean. You left me long before you moved out. What changed for you?"
"Sam, does it really matter? It doesn't excuse what I did."
"It won't change our circumstance now, but it does matter."
I could almost see him pinch the bridge of his nose. Maybe take off his reading glasses and rub his eyes. He had probably been reading.
"You changed, Sam. You went from being my wife to Cody's mother. I admit I was jealous, and it's why I never wanted another baby."
"You never said anything." Though I had my suspicions.
"Listen to how that sounds."
"I was trying to be a good mom and wife."
"And you were, but there were times I thought you loved Cody more than me."
I did a quick internal evaluation. Was that true? "I loved you differently, not unequally."
"I'm beginning to see that now. I'm sorry you bore the brunt of parenting. I realize now, had I helped you more, you wouldn't have had to give so much of your time to Cody. Not to say that you wouldn't have, but it could have been something we shared instead of a source of contention."
I sat back, stunned. "I would have liked that."
"Me too. I wish for it more now than you'll ever know." I knew from talking to Gelaire that he was the primary caregiver and was probably going to have to hire a nanny while he worked. Perspective. It does something to you.
"Why didn't you just talk to me?"
"I guess I didn't know how to articulate what I needed."
"Did Roxie give you what you were missing?" It was like asking him to shove the knife in farther, but I had to know.
He thought and thought some more. "For a while, but it wasn't what I really needed or even wanted."
"Was she the only one?" That question had nagged me, but I had been too afraid to ask.
"Do you really want to know?"
Direct blow to the heart. Don't cry, I begged myself, but then I remembered I had to feel it. All of it. "I guess that's my answer," I cried. "How many?"
"Sam, let's not do this."
"I have to know. I can't move on until I do."
"What if I don't want you to? What if we tried again? I'd go to counseling, whatever you want. We could have a baby."
"Stop, Neil. Please stop. Tell me how many and when."
"Two, besides Roxie," he whispered, ashamed. "Halloween last year and the other while I was seeing Roxie."
"Does she know?"
"She doesn't care."
"Anything else?"
"I knew I changed in your eyes, too. That I became the kind of husband I didn't want to be. I didn't know what to do about it. I obviously went about it in the wrong way. You deserved better. You may not believe it, but I'm sorry."
"I don't, but maybe I will someday."
"I hope to prove it to you."