It was going in the fire as soon as Cody went to bed.
I tuned into the uncomfortable conversation in the living room.
"How have you been, son?"
Cody didn't respond verbally, but I imagined him shrugging.
"I'm sorry I've missed your games. I'm probably not going to make any of them this year because, well, I have some news for you. But I promise next year I'll make every one."
"Right." Cody wasn't buying it.
"I know you have no good reason to believe me, but I'm going to change that."
Cody was silent.
"Son," Neil paused and paused some more, "your sister was born last night."
I desperately wanted to see Cody's reaction, but I would have had to go into the kitchen, and that would have been obvious.
"She resembles you, same chin and eye shape."
So she looked like Neil.
"I want you to meet her."
Cody still said nothing. That worried me more than anything.
"Maybe this coming weekend you could come stay with us." Neil's nerves were coming through.
Cody was quick to respond this time. "I don't want to stay at your place."
"Understandable." Neil thought for a moment. "Would you stay with your grandma? I can bring Farrah, your sister, there. We could spend our time together there."
"I can't. My girlfriend is having a party."
His what!? When did Rory become his girlfriend? Last I heard, the homecoming date was awesome and he kissed her goodnight, but there was never any talk of steady dating. My heart couldn't take all this.
"You have a girlfriend? What's her name?"
"Rory."
"That's nice."
It wasn't nice. And what did Neil know? He wasn't the one dealing with it.
"Well, what about the following weekend?"
Cody took his time to answer. "Maybe."
"All right, I'll call you this week."
"Yeah," Cody didn't sound like he was buying it. I couldn't blame him.
Neil tried to make some more small talk, but Cody wasn't having it. Neil finally said, "I better get back to the hospital. Take care of yourself and your mom."
It was as if I could see Cody glare when he responded, "I'll do a better job than you ever did." Anger wrapped around every word, and if I wasn't mistaken, I heard his voice crack as if he was holding back tears.
I was ready to rush in with my tear-filled eyes, but I let him own his emotions. His father needed to see them and feel them. Cody needed to feel them.
"I know you will, son."
I couldn't take it anymore. I stood and walked into the kitchen. There I saw two men face-to-face, one standing proud, the other dwindling in his son's shadow.
Neil handed Cody a blue envelope. "I know this doesn't make up for anything, but maybe you can put it toward the car you've been saving for. I'll call you." He tried to drive that point home.
Cody took the card but said nothing.
Neil knew he could do no more. He gave me a wave and walked out looking like he had lost a few inches. His stature had certainly been lost in our son's eyes.
We let Neil see himself out.
I paused in the kitchen, waiting for a cue from Cody on how to proceed. I got one all right, and it brought me both joy and heartache. He hurried to me in the kitchen and put his arms around me.
I held my man-child-who stood taller than me-like I once had long ago to keep him safe from the monsters he was afraid of under the bed. Unfortunately, this time there was nothing pretend about the situation. And I would have to help him see that his father wasn't a monster. Along the way, I would have to learn that too.
There were some other lessons in store for me.
"Mom, I'm glad you're not with anybody."
Chapter Forty-One
"I'm sorry, I couldn't tell him after that."
Like a teenager, I was sitting on the floor of my closet having whispered phone conversations with a man I was secretly dating and would be for the foreseeable future, as long as he was still okay with it. Was that wrong? Was I lying to my son now?
Reed was awfully quiet for longer than was comfortable. "It's understandable."
"He's been through a lot."
"You both have."
"I really am sorry."
"Don't be. Cody comes first, I get that."
"We can still grocery shop tomorrow. It's what I've always wanted for my birthday."
"It's probably not a good idea for us to go out in public anymore."
I leaned back against the wall in my closet. "You're probably right."
"I'm beat. I'm going to head to bed."
"I guess that's what happens when emotional women show up at your doorstep in the middle of the night." I tried to add some humor and longevity to the conversation. I didn't want to end on this note.
Reed wasn't taking the bait. "Goodnight, Sam."
"Goodnight." I stared at my phone after we hung up. Loss filled me. What was I going to do? I felt like I had moved into the space between the rock and the hard place. No matter which way I went, I felt like I would hurt someone I cared about.
Reed was right, though, Cody came first. Maybe in a couple of months Cody would feel different. So maybe Reed and I couldn't see each other as often, but we could still see each other. It's not like anything had really changed, except it felt like there had been a major paradigm shift. I couldn't understand it. If we were only having fun, why did it matter if it was private or public?
I took to my blog. My feelings needed an outlet, even if I couldn't express exactly what I was going through.
Tomorrow I turn the big 4-0. I smell a mid-life crisis the size of the Sears Tower coming on. Okay, it will probably be more like me going crazy and throwing in some towels with my jeans when I wash them. I know, I live on the wild side over here. I should probably invest in more lint rollers. Besides that, I will probably down half the chocolate pudding cake I plan to make myself. Which brings me to some life lessons I've learned during this supposed first half of my life:
Don't buy jeans that you think you will fit into. You never will.
Don't wear those jeans. Just because you can zip them up with the help of a crane doesn't mean they fit. UTI's are not fun, sisters.
If something feels wrong, it is. Don't run from it. If you do, it will run right over you when you least expect it. Face it head on. It won't take the pain away, but there is power in choice. Choosing to go through the obstacle rather than being forced lends you amazing strength and a sense of control.
Act. If you don't, someone else will, and you won't like it. Guaranteed.
Leave the dishes until morning. The world will not come to an end. I promise. I didn't used to believe it, but I've tried it a few times and I've never died. There's always tomorrow, though.
Lick the spoon.
Raw cookie dough is worth risking salmonella poisoning. You only live once, might as well enjoy it.
Cereal can replace any meal.
Frozen food will not kill your family, at least not while you are feeding it to them.
Fat weighs less than muscle. I'll let you proceed with that information how you best see fit.
Don't let the number on the scale rule your mood. P.S. remind me of this daily.
The next step is always the most important step you will ever take.
You can always take a step back if you need to.
Send thank-you notes.
It's okay if you don't know everything.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
You don't find your soul mate, you make them.
Don't take what's not yours, especially someone's spouse.
It's okay to burn bridges.
Look back to learn, but don't dwell.
And maybe life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're going to get. But don't be afraid to spit that crappy filled piece of chocolate right out of your mouth. Try every piece in the box until you get the right one. And once you get the right one, a new box will come along, and you'll have to start over. That's life. It's a series of starting over and over.
Here's to forty.
Sidelined Wife in Chief
Reed was one of those pieces of chocolate I wasn't too sure about, but once I was brave enough to taste it, I liked it. A lot. But now I wondered if I had soured in his mouth. Or perhaps I wasn't exactly the filling he was looking for. I knew things would eventually end, but I wasn't ready. I enjoyed our friendship and rendezvous. I thought he had too. Some part of me maybe even thought there could be more someday.
~*~
I never thought I would start forty this way: divorced, single parent, in some weird relationship with a guy I once babysat, and more confused than ever about life.
My birthday was going to be a low-key affair owing to the big party on Saturday. It started with a text from Reed wishing me a happy birthday, but even from his text I could tell something was off. There were no teases about what he would like to be doing to me or plans for seeing each other. It was just, Happy birthday, Sam. Have a great day. My fans on Facebook were more personal than that. I got smiley faces and hearts from them. Even all caps from some. And wishes for the best year ever.