"But . . . I know you're not ready for that step, and as much as I want to pick you up and take you to my bed, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize what we have."
What was it that we had? Thoughts of . . . well, thoughts of us being together were tempting. And he had no idea how good it felt that he wanted me. It had been a long time, but I wasn't sure I was that woman. I needed commitment, and not because of my mother. I knew how intimate that act was, and for me, love must be there, the all-encompassing kind.
"Waking up in your arms sounds lovely, but you're right, I'm not ready. And could you imagine Sunday dinner? I have a feeling if I ever had sex without being married, some radar would go off to alert my mother. Mimsy, too."
He ran his fingers through my hair. "I would hate to be the cause of that wrath, and I don't think I would fare well in that scenario either."
"Not at all." I laughed.
Reed didn't laugh with me. Instead, he tilted my chin up and leaned back so we could see each other. In his eyes, I saw myself again.
He brushed my lips before letting out a deep breath. "You are tempting."
"Next time I'll show up with bad breath."
"If only that would help. But, Sam . . . I want there to be a next time. I'm tired of sneaking around. Football season is almost over. I would like to date you out in the open."
Was I ready for that? Now my heart was pounding. "I don't know how Cody would feel about it . . ."
"I don't think you're giving him enough credit. Have you even broached the subject with him?"
A thousand thoughts ran through my head while I peered into Reed's beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that were waiting for an answer. "How would his teammates treat him if they knew?"
"It might be a little weird at first and he might get razzed some, but they're good kids. Cody is well liked and respected. It would blow over."
I bit my lip and thought some more.
Reed ran the back of his hand down my cheek. "Sam, we can't keep going on like this. You're getting to be too well known; it's bound to come out, one way or the other. And as fun as sneaking around with you is, it's not really my style."
There was a lot of truth to what he was saying. I leaned back against him and closed my eyes. "I'll talk to Cody."
Chapter Forty
"How are you holding up, love?" Gelaire asked over the phone.
I stared down at my pajamas. It was noon, so that's how I was. Granted, I didn't get home until four in the morning. Reed's arms were hard to leave. We hardly said a word, barely even kissed. He just held on and I soaked it in. I knew what I had to face today, and I needed what he had to offer.
Cody would find out he was a brother and that I had been dating his coach. I was going to see how the whole baby thing went before I sprung the latter on him. Maybe Reed was right. I wasn't giving him enough credit. Cody did adore Reed. But if Cody knew, my family would know. And I'd heard Avery last night. She thought it was a joke.
I let out a deep sigh into the phone. Gelaire responded with one of her own.
"I'm okay. What else can I be?"
"I would say you have room for a gamut of violent thoughts and emotions."
"I'm tired of feeling that way."
"Love, I'm so sorry. Neil is sorry."
"What good does it do now?"
"Unfortunately, it is too late for the two of you, but I hope for my son and my grandson's sake, and . . . ," she hesitated, "for Farrah's sake, his remorse will be meaningful. That he will be the father I know he can be."
Gelaire had mentioned the baby's name earlier too. Come to think of it, Roxie reminded me of a young Farrah Fawcett. It was a fitting name for her daughter. And though Gelaire was unhappy about how the child entered the world, she was thrilled to have a granddaughter. She tried to not let that come through for my sake, but she'd wanted another grandchild forever. Neil's older brother and wife had decided parenting wasn't for them, and Neil pretty much had too, so she never thought this day would come. She had already been to the hospital.
"I hope so too." I meant that for Cody's sake.
"You are queen among women, love. Never forget that."
"I love you. I should probably go. I need to get ready for the day and get Cody. He needs to know."
"Do you think Neil could tell him?" Her voice shook.
"Does he want to call him?"
"He was hoping to come over."
My heart stopped at the thought of having to see him today. "Why didn't he call me?"
"He feared he upset you last night, rightly so. It is unfair of him to tell you of his feelings now." He must have told his mother what he said.
"Agreed."
"But don't you think this should come from Neil?"
I did, but seeing him today was not on my to-do list. I rubbed my face with my free hand. "When did he want to come over?"
"This evening. I was going to go back to the hospital to stay with the baby while he's gone."
"Where's . . . you know . . . ?" I couldn't say her name.
"I'm doing my best to be positive, but that woman is positively unfit to be a mother. My son will have his hands full. I fear I may have to step in and help during the day. You know I'm not a religious woman, but pray for me, love."
"I can do that."
"Can Neil come by?"
I closed my eyes and soaked in the afternoon sun filtering into my bedroom, hoping to find some strength in it. "I suppose he should. Please don't let him disappoint Cody again. I don't want to tell him his dad is coming only for him not to."
"He'll be there."
For my son's sake, I hoped she was right.
That changed my plans for the day. I would have to cancel Sunday dinner with my family and Reed. A twinge of guilt panged me; I was kind of glad for the excuse-dinner wasn't the same without Peter and Delanie. Though I would miss seeing Reed.
Now, though, my focus had to be Cody and getting him through this day. I wished for a hand to hold to help get me through.
~*~
6:00 p.m. He should be here. I knew it, he wasn't going to show and there my son was sitting on the living room couch doing his best to act unaffected. But he was fidgeting and staring aimlessly at his phone. I wanted to brace him for the news he was about to receive, but it would be best coming from his father.
I continued to pace the kitchen, pretending like I was doing something useful like checking the empty oven and opening the refrigerator half-a-dozen times.
When the doorbell rang, I jumped. I turned to Cody; he was stiff with wide eyes.
"I'll get it," I offered.
Cody nodded his appreciation.
Have I mentioned how it sucked to be the adult sometimes?
For the love of my son, I straightened my black rayon blouse. I was dressed nicer than normal, with newly acquired thigh-slimming jeans and some leopard print shoes. I don't know why, but leopard print shoes said you were ready to roar. I didn't feel like that at all, but I was faking it.
I gave Cody a quick this-is-going-to-be-alright smile before I opened the door. A wave of cold wind rushed in. It was enough to ruffle Neil's hair plugs. I maintained my composure and didn't laugh.
"Come in," I said in a rush.
He didn't hesitate until he stepped inside. He looked so out of place here now. At least he wasn't wearing skinny jeans and some of the dye had faded out of his hair. But he didn't belong here.
He looked around as if he hadn't ever lived here. "I like the new curtains," he stammered, staring at the tall windows that stood on either side of the fireplace.
I doubted that. They were cream and ruffled. "Thanks."
We both focused on Cody, who was now standing in the living room. The gas fireplace illuminated him from behind. I looked between the two. For Cody, I had a warm smile; for Neil, I had a warning.
"Don't blow this," I whispered. It was then I realized he held two cards in his hands, red from the cold.
The shimmering envelope had my name on it. Neil handed it to me. "I know it's a day early, but happy birthday."
"You shouldn't have." I took the card, but only because I wanted to set a good example for my son.
"There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done; this isn't one of them."
"I'll leave you two alone." I didn't need any more confessions from Neil. I passed by Cody and gave his hand a quick squeeze on my way to the family room.
His eyes said, don't go too far. I had no intentions of doing so.
I sat on the sectional, holding my breath and sending up prayers to heaven. In my heart, I knew this needed to happen, but it didn't make it any less difficult. It didn't help when I opened the card. Thinking of You on Your Birthday. I refrained from scoffing. His written message inside was worse. It started out like a Cher song, If I could turn back time, I wouldn't miss a single moment with you. Happy birthday. All my love, Neil.