Right. I knew that. It's not like I should be thinking along those lines anyway. "I have to talk to Cody first."
His eyes dared me . . . or was that pleaded with me? I couldn't tell in the dark.
"But will you?"
I wasn't sure.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
The party was not the lighthearted event I'd imagined it would be. I did best my best once I came in out of the cold to be engaging and, most importantly, grateful to Avery and Delanie for putting it all together.
Avery was exhausted from playing hostess, and Delanie and Peter had a mini blowup with Ma at the party when I opened my gift from them-it was a full-size cutout of Hunter Black. I was staring at him right now, shirtless and smiling back at me. Ma thought it was highly inappropriate and voiced her loud opinion. Peter wasn't having it. He told Ma he was tired of her criticism of all of us. That did not go over well. She left in tears.
Then there was Reed, for my birthday he had bought me the same Bryan Adam's poster and shirt he ruined all those years ago. I'd wanted to kiss him right there in front of everyone for it. And find out how he found them. They had to cost a pretty penny. But I'd had to play it cool even though I loved it more than Hunter Black. I would find a special place for both the poster and the cutout.
To top it off, Gary was giving all the signals that he would like to ask me out on a date, but I knew I would say no. He reminded me too much of Neil. I didn't care that Ma gave him her seal of approval, except that it was in front of Reed. Reed acted unaffected. I wasn't sure what to make of it, or if I was just making something out of nothing, or was that nothing out of something? But a weird tension hung in the air between Reed and me. I didn't like it, and I wanted to fix it.
It all had me in no mood for the caller in the middle of the night. I'd barely climbed into bed when Neil's name popped up on my phone's screen. Was this one of those middle-of-the-night drunk dials you hear about in songs? It seemed unlikely, since I'd never seen Neil drunk. I didn't answer the first couple of times he called, but by the third time, I figured I'd better. Actually, I panicked that there might be something wrong with Gelaire. Why else would he call me so late?
"Hello?"
"Sam, sorry it's so late."
"Is there something wrong with your mom?"
"No." He paused.
"Why are you calling?"
Then I heard it, the unmistakable sound of an infant's cry.
"Shhh," Neil tried to soothe the baby in hushed, tender tones.
My eyes flooded with tears. I hated myself for it. "I suppose congratulations are in order."
"Sam, I'm so sorry."
"Why are you calling me?"
"Because, you don't know how sorry I am. I didn't know until the last few months, until the last few hours. Sam, this should have all been with you."
I squeezed my eyes shut. "Stop, stop, stop. I can't do this with you."
"Please let me get this out. You were right, I was selfish."
"Great. Do you feel better now?" I knew I didn't.
"No," he cried. "I miss you, Sam. We should have had another baby together. I'm sorry we never did."
I thought of all of the games he'd missed over the years, and anger took over my sadness. "Why? So you could ignore more of our children?"
"That's going to change. I want Cody to know his sister, to know me."
He had a girl. Tears streamed down my face.
"Neil, you can't do this to me anymore."
"If I could take it all back, I would."
"You made your choice."
"I was a fool."
"I won't disagree with you. Goodnight."
"I love you, Sam."
I hung up. I couldn't take it. Why did he have to call? Why did he have to be with someone else to figure out he should have been with his wife all along?
The bed felt incredibly empty all of a sudden. I needed someone desperately right now. Reed kept popping into my mind. But could I just call him in the middle of the night? Especially now since there was this weirdness between us.
My mind wouldn't let it go. Fine. I'd text him. If he answered I would take it as a sign.
Can I come over?
Why did I text that? I meant to say, can you talk?
I didn't have time to worry about how stupid I was; he texted right back, Yes, please.
I didn't think. I threw on my slippers and fled the house and thoughts of Neil and his daughter. Tears poured down my face as I sped down the deserted roads to Reed's. He had to be wondering why I was coming over. Or maybe he thought he knew and I was going to disappoint him. I wouldn't blame him for thinking what he was probably thinking. I knew what I would think if he had texted me in the middle of the night. Oh, gosh. What had I gotten myself into? Thoughts of turning around screamed in my head, but thoughts of being alone shoved those other thoughts right out.
Before I knew it, I was sitting in front of Reed's house. Not a soul in sight on the sleepy street; even the lampposts were out. I looked down at my frumpy plaid flannel pajamas in pink. I was a sight with that ugly cry-face on top of my outfit. Crap, I wasn't even wearing a bra. Good thing my shirt was loose, and I was never well endowed. I should have probably left, but Reed had already seen me. He was standing at his front door waiting for me.
I turned off my car and took another breath. I was committed now to this half-cocked emotional reaction. I made my way to Reed, who was also in pajamas. They were even flannel, at least the black bottoms were. He was hiding his glorious chest behind a white t-shirt. Not going to lie, I was disappointed by that.
I stopped a few feet short of him and his door. The sight of him had the tears reappearing.
"Will you hold me?" Did that sound pathetic? I didn't really care.
Without a word he stretched out his arms. I flew into them. He embraced me before shutting his door with his foot.
I cried into his chest. He didn't utter a word. He only stroked my hair while holding me tight. We stood like that, minute upon minute, until every shudder, tear, and sniffle was done. Reed gave me a good squeeze once it was all out of me. "Can I hold you on the couch, or do you want to stay here?"
I laughed into him. "The couch sounds great."
In a fluid move, he took my hand and led me through his entryway to the small living room on the left. He flipped on a light as we went.
"You might want to keep that off. I don't want to scare you any more than I probably already have."
He chuckled and pulled me along. "I was right, you make flannel look good."
His large brown leather sofa that had some serious puffiness to it filled the small room along with his fifty-inch TV. Such a bachelor pad. The only feminine touch were the navy curtains. He sat down on the couch first and pulled me right onto his lap. I curled into him and rested my head on his chest. His heartbeat was strong and steady, like him.
"Do you want to talk?"
I snuggled in closer. "Neil called me. He's a new dad."
Reed ran his fingers down my arm, again, not saying a word.
"He was crying. He never cried once when we were married. He wished the baby was ours."
Reed's hand froze in place, mid stroke. "And what do you wish for?"
"For a long time, I wished for a little girl with him and another little boy. I wished for a lot of things." I kept the tears at bay.
"You could still have those things."
I spat out a laugh. "I'm forty. I don't even know if those parts of my body still work. And before I know it, Cody will be in college."
"What do you want, Sam?"
I thought for a second. "I'm trying to figure that out."
"Do you still want Neil?" He tensed.
"No." I knew that for sure.
Reed relaxed and kissed the top of my head. "What about Gary?"
I wrinkled my nose. "Too much like Neil."
Silence hung between us for a moment.
"I'm sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night and cried all over your shirt again."
"I put it on especially for you."
"Oh."
"You sound disappointed."
Oops. I bit my lip. "I was kind of hoping you would be shirtless like the time we brought you dinner," I admitted.
"You liked what you saw?" He sounded as happy as could be.
"Yes." My cheeks were burning. I don't remember being this forward.
He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. "If we're being honest, I put my shirt on because I wasn't sure why you were coming over. But let's just say I was hoping the shirt would come back off."
I stopped breathing. I had a feeling he might think that. The only sound was the beat of his heart. It was louder and more frequent now. "Reed." His name came out as a breath.