When I pulled in behind the shiny, new red Camaro in front of Gelaire's Greystone, it never even occurred to me that Gelaire had another visitor. And there was nothing in my history with Neil that would have ever given the slightest hint he'd purchase a sports car. He watched National Geographic, for goodness sakes, and his idea of fun was looking at gravestones online. His car-my car that I drove now-screamed expensive, but in that boring-dad-bod sort of way.
Worse was how I found out that the car was Neil's. There I was, looking forward to seeing my kid, minding my own business. And she appeared. When I exited my car, she opened the door of the Camaro on the passenger side. No one was in the driver's side.
I froze on the busy street and watched her toss her long blonde hair before leaning against the sleek new car. It still had a dealer tag on it. She wore a sports bra and tight exercise pants that showed off her tiny bare baby bump and toned body. There was no way she was due in October or November. I'm sure I looked that big in my first trimester. I bet she didn't even have swollen ankles. Something swelled in me worse than any amount of water retention had. Would this hate ever fade?
She causally looked at her cell phone as if she didn't have a worry in the world, not knowing or probably even caring that she had destroyed mine and my son's life. I wanted to lash out at her. But I knew it wouldn't do me any good. This hate I held only hurt me. I refused to let myself give her any more power over me. She had taken enough; she would not have my dignity. I could, at the very least, keep that.
I steadied myself and took a breath, knowing Neil must be inside with our son. All at once, I wanted to run in and save Cody if needed, then run the other way to save myself from facing Neil. But Cody would always win, always.
When my wedges hit the sidewalk, two things happened. The bimbo was alerted to my presence and she gave me the loveliest of snide grins while appraising my boyfriend jeans and t-shirt. I gave her no satisfaction of a response one way or the other; we both knew she had won, so what was the point of engaging her? Instead, I focused on the house, only to see Neil walking out. But not my Neil. This Neil had dyed his graying sandy hair a deep brown. And please tell me those weren't hair plugs where his receding hairline used to be. Was he wearing skinny jeans? I didn't even like it when Cody wore them.
Neil obviously wasn't prepared to see me either. Even from a distance, I could see the crimson flood his face. He looked between his past and future. Past is where his focus landed.
"Sam, I didn't know you would be here already." His eyes were pleading with me not to judge him for his desperate attempt to look like he belonged in a boy band.
I didn't know what to say. I stood stunned by his change, inside and out. Who was this man standing in front of me running his fingers through his hair, trying his best not to touch the grafted in parts? Certainly not the man I had pledged my heart and soul to almost two decades ago. That man would have laughed at the man standing in front of me. The brown hair did not suit him. It made him look pale and unnatural.
My mouth may not have worked, but my feet did. I headed for the door he recently exited.
Neil met me head on, not letting me pass. "How are you, Sam? You look good." He kept his stilted voice down.
I couldn't say the same for him, or acknowledge him, but Roxie could and did.
"Baby, we need to go. I'm going to be late for Pilates."
I hated her even more for being able to do Pilates while pregnant, and for calling him baby. He hated cutesy names like that. Perhaps the man standing in front of me didn't. I didn't know this man.
"I'll be right there," he snapped.
"Don't let me keep you." I sidestepped him.
He gently grabbed my arm. "Sam."
I looked at his hand touching my bare skin. It didn't belong there. I felt nothing but my skin crawl from his touch. I pulled away.
His eyes pooled with regret.
"Neil," Roxie yelled.
Neil shook his head and walked away at her command. I didn't get a second glance.
Internally, I shook my head too. Is this what he really wanted? Someone to change him? I didn't bother to watch him drive away. I had already done that. I refused to do it again or let it affect me like it had that day. I wished I could say that he didn't affect me at all. But that would have been a lie.
~*~
Cody didn't divulge too much information about Neil's brief visit on our drive home, other than to say, "It was all right. He might come to my game this weekend."
I let it lie, knowing Gelaire would tell me more about it on Tuesday. And I didn't want to push Cody. He'd been through enough.
"At least tell me how the game was."
Cody leaned his head against the window with one ear bud in, giving the illusion he was willing to converse. "It was all right. The Cubs won."
"Tell me something I don't know." It was all over the news that the Cubs had won.
"The food was good."
"Okay." I grinned. "How was grandma?"
His mouth twitched. "She sings, ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame' too loud."
"Oh really?"
"And she talks to everyone."
"So you had a good time with her?"
"It was okay. You still owe me."
"I have the download code for you ready at home."
He sat up straight, a real smile on his face. "You're the best."
He didn't always think so, but I would take what I could get.
While Cody indulged in his new video game, I was reminded of how old I was and took a nap on the couch. It was an uninterrupted nap, since no one called. Not that I was expecting a call or that one even needed to happen. And after seeing Neil today, I was reminded of the fickleness of men and how easily their affections change. It was good no one called.
Even better, no one came to Sunday dinner. Or so I thought. The seat next to me was screaming you're alone. It screamed louder when Reed showed up late.
He walked in carrying a bouquet of flowers as always, sunflowers this time around. He kissed Ma on the cheek. "Sorry, I'm late, Mrs. D. I got caught up at the gym."
She stood and returned a kiss on his cheek while taking the flowers. "Thank you, these are gorgeous. You're becoming my favorite." She glared at her own husband and sons who never thought to bring her flowers. "I'll go put them in some water. You sit down and fill your plate."
I looked up expecting him to sit next to me. He acknowledged me with hardly a glance before taking a seat next to Peter.
No one but me seemed to take notice that he'd switched spots. Was the kiss truly that awful? Had I done something? I wasn't expecting some lasting relationship out of the deal, but I enjoyed his company. And until that moment, I hadn't truly realized how he had taken the sting of loneliness away from me at the family table. The biting sting was back, and as piercing as ever.
The world kept turning for everyone else. For me, I stared down at the ribs and salad on my plate, not at all hungry. My mind raced with why Reed had slighted me. We'd seemed to have such a great time together yesterday. So I giggled once, but I thought I responded appropriately afterward. I didn't know why this was bothering me so much. Perhaps because I felt like I was never enough. I didn't look like a supermodel when I was pregnant, not even when I wasn't. I couldn't do Pilates. If I tried, I would probably end up in the emergency room. I wasn't flirty and fun or extraordinarily talented at anything. I realized what a bore I was.
My stomach started churning. Without a word I got up, to go where, I didn't know. No one noticed, except Ma when we crossed paths in the kitchen while she was arranging her flowers in a vase.
"Are you all right, Samantha Marie?"
I nodded. "I'm not hungry."
Her eyes narrowed and her nose did this weird scrunching-flaring thing like it always did when she was trying to determine if we were telling the truth or not. Then she felt my forehead and cheeks.
"Ma, I'm fine."
"Why don't you go lay down in the guest bedroom?"
"I was thinking maybe I would go home. Do you think you or Dad could bring Cody home later?" I didn't want to interrupt dinner or draw attention to myself.
"Are you upset because you saw Neil today?"
I had told Delanie and Avery about my encounter with him while we set the table; I guess Ma overheard. I shook my head.
She rested her hand on my cheek. "You are loved; don't you ever forget that."
My eyes began to water. "I'm going to go."
Ma did exactly what I needed. She hugged me and let me go without a fuss. I rushed out the front door and barely heard Ma tell everyone I wasn't feeling well. That about summed up my life for the year.