“Yes.”
“Good. Now come here,” he said, patting his chest.
I didn't need any more encouragement than that.
Once I was settled and his arms encircled me, he took a breath. “So, let's talk about sex.”
Fuck.
“Okay.”
“In the past, have you ever had an orgasm during intercourse?”
“No.”
“Ever been close?”
“No.”
“Can you tell me what sex has been like for you in the past?”
Fuck me.
“Terrible,” I supplied easily. “As soon as clothes start coming off, the anxiety builds.”
“And when someone has their hands on you, how does that feel?”
“Like I want to scrape off my skin.”
“Do you know why?”
“No. I mean, yes and no. I think the anxiety just makes me so uncomfortable and then angry because I can't control it, that the touching feels wrong. Like it hurts instead of feels good.”
I felt his cheek come down on the top of my head. “And what about when they are inside of you?”
I closed my eyes tight, not wanting to think about it. “I feel nothing.”
“Nothing?” he asked. “Not even the skin crawling sensation?”
“I mean, the first time...” I started.
“When you lost your virginity,” he supplied.
“Yeah.”
“That hurt,” he guessed.
More than anything I had ever felt.
“Yes. A lot. I got sick.”
“Okay,” he said, squeezing me tighter. “And since then... just numbness.”
“Pretty much. Sometimes I can quiet the anxiety enough to feel, but just for like a couple seconds because it doesn't...” I shook my head.
“Because you were stressed out so you weren't turned on,” he guessed, “and it felt rough and uncomfortable. And then the anxiety came back, stronger.”
“Yes.”
“Alright,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “Thank you for sharing that. That is helpful.” He rubbed my back for a few seconds. “I'm sorry it's always been like that for you.”
So was I.
“It's okay.”
“No, it's not,” he said, shaking his head. “Baby,” he said, pulling me away and looking down at me, “it's not okay. That should never have happened. Those guys...” he said, grimacing, “they should have seen that you were struggling and they should have stopped and tried to help you through it.”
“Not all guys are like you, Chase,” I said, shrugging.
“No, but they should fucking try to be,” he said, sounding angry. He took a breath, putting his hand to the side of my face. “Look, at any point tonight you feel anxious, you tell me. This isn't like the past when I told you that you should push through it and only push me away when you couldn't take it anymore. This is different. If you get above a four on that scale, you tell me. And if you don't feel like you can say it, all you have to do is say the word 'red' and I'll stop. And I'll try to talk you down. If that doesn't work, we can be done for the night. I will not be upset. I will not be disappointed. Understand?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Good. What is the safe word?”
“Red.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “Come here,” he said, pulling my face to his and kissing me until I felt it down to the base of my spine. Until it was all there was. Until I had moved to straddle him, to get closer, my hands on both sides of his face, my teeth biting into his lips.
His arms went tight around me and he slowly got to his feet. I wrapped my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, holding on as he led us toward the bed. Chase turned, sitting down on the edge of the bed with me on top of him, simply kissing me back for a long time before his hands went to the hem of my skirt and pulled it upward. Over my ass, up my stomach, bunching up by my breasts, waiting.
I slid backward, watching his eyes, then put my arms up over my head. Material gone, he looked down at me, his eyes closing as he took a deep breath. “Perfect,” he said, his hands moving up to cover my breasts. He leaned forward, planting a kiss between then. “Thank you for sharing yourself with me,” he said quietly, making the insides of my belly feel wobbly.
My hand moved to the back of his head, slipping into his hair. “Thank you for being so patient.” I slid further down his legs, giving me access to his chest. I slid off his jacket, then unbuttoned his shirt, running my hands over the skin underneath.
Because, in that moment, he was mine.
Maybe only for the night.
Maybe only in my mind.
But he was mine.
And I wanted to memorize every inch of him.
He lifted me, placing me down on the bed and standing next to it, removing his shoes, his belt, his pants, then finally... his boxer briefs.
At the sight of his hard cock, I felt the tension coil slightly. Nerves. Not quite panic, but hinting at it.
Then he moved in beside me, slipping under the covers, pulling me onto my side, then running his hands over me. Lightly. Just barely touching. And it felt like every one of my nerve endings was reaching out for him, trying to grab him, hold him closer.
He pressed me back onto my back, leaning over me and kissing down my neck, over my breasts, taking the nipples gently in his mouth and sucking, then continuing down over my ribs, my stomach, down each of my thighs. Until I was writhing. Until my hands were grabbing at him, trying to pull him back up to me.
He smiled, turning away into the bedside table and coming back with a condom foil, opening it and pulling it on. “This doesn't mean anything,” he said, kissing my lips softly. “You can take as long as you need.”
But I didn't need a long time.
I didn't even need a minute.
I needed him. All of him.
I reached for his shoulders, pulling him until he followed and came over me, holding himself up my his forearms. My hands drifted down his back, over his muscles. Then my thighs parted, letting his body slide between. I felt my sex clench hard at the contact. Anticipating. Wanting it so badly.
Chase shifted his hips and his cock pressed against me, hard, just stroking up my cleft in the most excruciatingly slow pace possible.
My hands settled on the backs of his shoulders, my hips grinding against his. “Chase...” I murmured, his name full of all the need.
“You're sure?” he asked, eyes heavy, the muscle in his jaw ticking.
I had never been more sure of anything in my life.
“Yes.”
He leaned forward, kissing me until my lips felt fuzzy. Then I felt his cock press hard against the entrance, feeling my body tense slightly. His eyes watched me as he slowly pressed forward. And he was so big. And it had been so long. There was pain, a pinching, a burning that I winced against as his head pressed in.
“You okay?”
I nodded, my legs widening, trying to relieve the ache a bit as he kept pressing forward, one thick inch at a time, so slow that I could feel my body making room for him. His cock hit deep and my head jerked off the pillow and hit his arm. “Ow.”
“Okay,” he said, stilling inside me. “Baby,” he called. “Look at me.” I took a breath, lying my head back down and looked up at him. “I'm inside you.” I knew. Oh, I knew. The pain was receding, leaving only the tension. The desire. “What's the number?”
“Three.”
“I can work with three,” he said, leaning down and taking my lips.
My legs moved upward, my feet flat on the mattress as my hips started rising up, trying to stoke the desire, trying to get what I needed.
Chase chuckled against my lips, pulling back, sliding slightly back and pressing forward, making me whimper. “So fucking tight,” he groaned, shaking his head.
“So... big,” I corrected, smiling.
He smiled back, shifting inside of me slightly. “You ready?”
Hell yeah I was.
“Yes.”
He exhaled slowly, then slid half way out of me, then fully back in.
And if that was what sex was supposed to be, Shay was right, I was as virgin as the fresh fallen snow.
Because this was other wordly. This was the closest to heaven I had ever been.
“You're so beautiful,” Chase said, leaning down toward my ear, his breath ragged as he kept his intoxicating slow pace.
My legs went up, wrapping around his back, pulling him closer. My hips rose up to meet each thrust, arching into it, taking him as deep as possible.
“Oh my god. Oh my god,” I whimpered, my hands grabbing into his back, digging in.
“That's it, baby,” he said, pulling upward to look down at me. “Come for me. I want to feel your pussy grab me.”
I drove up to meet him and just... splintered apart.
“Chase!” I cried out pulling upward and burying in his neck as my muscles pulsated hard around him, the sensation of him filling me making the orgasm feel stronger than I had known before.
“Fuck, beautiful,” he growled, pushing into me again, his body jerking. “Ava... fuck me....”
His body came down on mine hard, and I wrapped myself completely around him, my body jerking through the aftershocks.
“Baby, let me look at you,” he said, trying to pull against my hold. I shook my head, pulling him tighter. “I'll hold you, okay? Just let me look at you.” My arms slackened slightly and he pulled up. “Are you okay?” I shook my head. “No?”
My eyes opened slowly. “Okay isn't even close to how you make me feel,” I said, because it was true.