“Not even to say good-bye to him? I promise not to say anything.”
“You can’t promise that. Believe me, this is how it must be. He loves you. He won’t let you go. Besides, it will be easier for him if he doesn’t see you again.”
“Why is that?”
“He’ll think that you simply left him without remorse. He’ll hate you for it. And it will make it easier for him to get over you.”
“He’ll hate me,” Madlen repeated softly.
“Yes, but it’s better than seeing you hanging from the gallows.”
The thought frightened Madlen. “You think he would despise me for what I’ve done?”
“Yes, because he wouldn’t understand it. And it’s his duty to surrender you to the archbishop. The woman he loves, the mother of his child, led to the gallows by his hand. Do you really think that he could live with that more easily than you leaving without a word?”
Madlen pondered her aunt’s words as they echoed through her head. She was right. Running away and leaving Johannes in the dark was kinder, even though he wouldn’t realize it at first. “I’ll pack up our things together. You take care of the boat and Otilia. We don’t have any time to lose.”
The sun warmed their backs as the boat slowly sailed north on the Rhine. Madlen stood on the railing, looking back until Worms disappeared from sight. Then she stepped onto one of the crates sitting next to the railing as the landscape slid past her. She knew she didn’t have any other choice.
She was impressed with how quickly Agathe had resolved all outstanding issues and returned to the house. She even took time to collect money from those who had not yet paid for their dresses. Though her livelihood was taken care of some time ago, now Madlen was worried about the immediate future. Agathe had given up everything for her. Once again, she asked herself what she’d done to deserve such kindness. “We’ve forgotten to cancel the lesson with Brother Simon,” she said suddenly.
“That’s right. I knew there was something else. Well, all right. He’ll figure it out when he comes knocking on our front door.”
“I have two books he gave me.”
“Don’t be too glum. He was paid well, and soon you would have no longer needed him. It’s going to have to do for now. Don’t fret.”
Agathe seemed to know all the right things to say to console Madlen. She was both happy and relieved to have her by her side. Without her, she might have thrown herself into the Rhine in despair.
“What are you thinking about?” Agathe asked as she squatted on the crates next to her.
“This and that. I wonder what kind of life awaits us.”
“We’ll have the life we choose to create.” Madlen knew that her aunt would never show her how hard it was to leave all that she had built in Worms.
“I hope you won’t regret taking this step.” Madlen laid her hand on the railing and tilted her head.
“I won’t regret it,” Agathe stated confidently. “I don’t believe in regret. I make decisions, and then I live with the consequences. If I questioned everything I did, I wouldn’t be able to move forward.”
“You’re so brave. I often think of all the things that could go wrong. I’d like to be more like you.”
“Like me?” Agathe laughed. “Believe me, you don’t want to do that. I’ve made so many mistakes. But we all make mistakes. Some more than others. And yet, we always have the opportunity to do better next time.”
“It always seems like you have an answer for everything.”
“There are no difficulties that can’t be resolved.” Agathe smiled mysteriously. “I believe that God gives us challenges to overcome. It’s his way of letting us grow.”
“So do you think that God is just testing me?”
“It’s possible.”
“But why?”
“Only He knows why. We are too unenlightened to understand everything, but we can rely on the fact that all will be well in the end.”
“How do you know? That it will end well?”
“I just know. Believe me. One day, you will understand all of this.”
It took five days to reach Emmerich; they docked at dusk.
Madlen was completely exhausted. With each day, the oppressive feeling of confinement weighed on her more and more. She paced up and down the boat to get a little bit of exercise. When they finally arrived, she could hardly wait to get off.
Agathe’s initial plan was to stay with one of her steady customers, but she eventually rejected that idea. She wasn’t sure whom she could trust. So they decided to stay at a tavern before finding a decent place to live. As they walked ashore on the narrow plank, they paused and looked around. Emmerich looked quite different than Worms or even Heidelberg, both of which were surrounded by hills. Here, everything was flat. Houses were densely packed into straight rows. Madlen liked it immediately; the harmonious construction was simple and exuded a certain calm.