CHAPTER TEN
ONCE the tears came, it felt impossible to stop them. Freya’s shoulders shook and her breath came in hiccuppy gasps as Rafe stroked her hair. Distantly she realised he was murmuring endearments: cariña, querida, mi corazón. My heart.
She’d expected condemnation, not comfort. Rejection instead of acceptance. And yet he still didn’t know the whole truth.
And when he did…
She pulled away, wiping her cheeks, trying desperately to pass off this moment as a temporary weakness rather than a life-shattering event. ‘I’m sorry,’ she finally managed in a wobbly voice. ‘You probably weren’t expecting that.’
‘I’ve come to realise I don’t know what to expect,’ Rafe said.
He didn’t sound condemning, yet she still heard a thread of steel in his voice. He wanted answers.
‘Freya?’ he said, and waited.
She looked away, knowing she had to tell him. She wanted to tell him. She was so tired of secrets; she’d kept them for so long, and they were such a heavy burden to bear alone. Yet her throat was so tight and aching she could barely force the words out.
‘I went to Spain for my gap year,’ she began hesitantly. She kept her face averted. ‘I was so excited. I’d done an A-Level in Spanish and I really wanted to become fluent. And see Spain, of course. I thought it was going to be such a grand adventure.’#p#分页标题#e#
She paused, biting her lip, and Rafe waited. ‘I lived with a young couple—Anita and Timeo.’ It hurt to say their names even now. ‘They were so glamorous and fun. It was a whole new world for me. My parents had me later in life, and they’ve always been very formal. Traditional. Wonderful, but not fun like that.’ She stopped, not wanting to go on.
‘And?’ Rafe prompted quietly, when the silence had stretched to several minutes.
‘I was stupid,’ Freya said in a low voice. ‘Really, really stupid—and selfish and naive, too, I suppose.’ She shook her head. ‘Anita was a doctor, and she worked all sorts of late hours. Timeo was a freelance photographer, and he was often home during the day. He was—he seemed very kind.’ She felt Rafe tense, knew he’d started to suspect where this was going. ‘I let my head be turned,’ Freya said, her voice thick with bitterness and self-loathing. ‘And—and more than that. The worst.’
Rafe remained very still, yet Freya felt as if he’d moved away from her. Withdrawn now that he was learning the truth. And why shouldn’t he?
‘I was old enough to know better. I know I was. But I listened to all the things Timeo said—that I was beautiful, that he wasn’t happy with Anita…’ She shook her head, felt the hot sting of tears under her lids once again. ‘I bought into it all.’ She stopped, not wanting to go on.
‘And?’ Rafe asked, his voice very low.
‘And we had an affair,’ Freya said dully. ‘For several months.’ Even now, ten years later, it sounded so sordid. She would never be free. ‘Until I fell pregnant.’
‘What happened then?’ Rafe asked.
His voice was toneless, so Freya couldn’t tell what he thought. Felt. She could only imagine.
‘Anita found out. She recognised the signs before I did, actually. Just like you did. She guessed right away. I’ve sometimes wondered if—if I wasn’t the first. In any case, she wanted me out of there. She drove me to a doctor—at least I think she was a doctor.’
Freya shivered, the memories making her cold to her soul. She’d never told anyone so much—not even her parents. She knew they wouldn’t have been able to handle the truth; what they’d known had been bad enough. And even though she knew she was damning herself with every word, it felt good to tell someone. Tell Rafe. Like lancing a boil.
‘She was awful,’ she whispered. ‘She performed the termination. I was in such a daze I couldn’t even think…’ She swallowed, then said in a voice so low it was barely audible, ‘Sometimes I wish I could go back and have that moment over again. I’d choose differently. Except it didn’t even feel like a choice. Not for me.’
Rafe was silent for another long moment. Freya wished she knew what he was thinking, but she was afraid to look him in the face.
‘Terminations were illegal in Spain then,’ he finally said, without any expression at all.
‘I know. Anita had a connection somehow—it wasn’t in a normal office, and it was…awful.’ She shook her head, not wanting to say any more. She still had nightmares about that room, the blood. ‘I didn’t want to tell my parents any of it. I knew it would be horrible for them, and I was so ashamed.’ She drew in a ragged breath. ‘But in the end I developed a severe infection, and they had to come to Spain to fetch me home.’