It was as if fate had turned around and stuck a fork in him for daring to hope he could have a future with a family of his own.
'For two years I watched her suffer and turn into a shell of herself.' His voice had become hoarse. 'I would cringe to hear about any of her friends and family becoming pregnant, knowing it was another knife in her heart. But I thought I should be enough for her, that her yearning for a baby was something she should just forget about for my sake.'
'Couldn't you have adopted?'
'That's what Yana suggested, but I'm afraid adoption is not a route I will go down.'
'Your father adopted you,' she pointed out softly.
'And wasn't I made to know it? Hardly a day went by when Marat didn't rub my nose in the fact that he shared Andrei's blood and I didn't, that I was the cuckoo in the Plushenko nest. Andrei himself used the fact of Marat being his blood to undermine my point of view about bringing him onto the board at Plushenko's.' He raised his shoulders. 'I can't do that to a child. I won't see another person suffer for their blood not being the same as the family they live with.'
'How ridiculous.'
Whatever reaction he'd expected from Emily, scorn most definitely was not it.
'You don't know what you're talking about,' he refuted tightly.
'Rubbish. You have your mother's blood for a start-'
'Which meant nothing to her when she took Andrei and Marat's side.'
'You put her in an impossible situation. What was she supposed to do? Tell you that your irrationality was justified? I don't care what your father said, I'm certain he never meant it in the way you took it. He worked his fingers to the bone to keep you alive. If that isn't love then I don't know what is. For goodness' sake, he even got his hands on black market copies of Top Cat for you to watch when you were too weak to do anything else. Blood doesn't come into it.'
Her words were like tiny barbs being thrown at his skin, all landing straight in his chest. It took all his control to stop his hands from shaking.
He'd always been able to temper his anger but now...now he could feel it slipping.
She'd done this to him. He didn't know how or why but Emily pushed buttons in him that no one else could even find.
'You think because we've made love that you have a right to tell me how I should feel, is that it?'
'I never said that. There are thousands-millions, for all I know-of orphaned children in this world begging for a family to love them, and you won't consider taking one of them in and building a family of your own because of Marat's jealous attitude towards you.'
'You do not know what you're talking about.'
'Then explain it to me.'
'I don't have to explain anything to you.' He stared down at her. She gazed right back, her eyes full of hurt, but also full of a powerful anger. 'I've explained this much because after everything we've been through over these past few days I thought I owed you an explanation. I can't give a woman a baby and I will not be party to an adoption. Eventually, resentment rears its head and snap-' he snapped his fingers for emphasis '-the end of the relationship follows along with the mourning for wasted years. I couldn't give Yana the baby she wanted but in my arrogance I thought my love would be enough for her. It wasn't. She turned into a shell of herself and I won't-I can't-do that to you too. I won't watch the light in your eyes die.'
All the anger emanating from Emily's pores dissipated. She tilted her head, shaking it slowly. 'If Yana had loved you enough then you really would have been enough. Yes, I want children, but if I fell head over heels in love with someone who couldn't have them I would cherish the relationship for what it could give me and not what it couldn't.'
'You mean you would do what you have always done and stifle your desires for someone else's sake,' he said, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice.
'I feel sorry for you,' she surprised him by saying. 'Love isn't a tick-box or a competition. I know I need to reclaim my life for myself but I will always be there for the people I love. I've let my father's depression and the way it affects me take over my life, always feeling I wasn't enough. I need to stop thinking like that and remember the good times with him, because when he's well our relationship is great.
'That's what I meant about cherishing a relationship for what it could give me rather than what it could not. And if I loved you, Pascha Virshilas, I wouldn't care about your sterility so long as you loved me back, and so long as I knew you would always be there for me.'
'But that's you all over, isn't it, milaya moya? And it's that life and passion you contain within yourself that lets me know I am right about this. I would not wish for all that life to die out. You deserve to have it all.'
'But not with you,' she finished for him softly.
'No. Not with me. I can't give you it all. All I can give you is unfulfilled dreams that will eventually eat into your soul and destroy you.'
'Then I guess there's nothing else for us to say,' she said quietly. Reaching up, she pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. 'I hope one day you can look in the mirror and see a man who deserves to have it all too.'
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
EMILY HEARD THE front door open.
She took a sip of her lukewarm coffee and pushed her plate of half-eaten chicken pie to one side. She wasn't hungry.
She'd hoped with all her heart that her father getting out of bed was the first step towards recovery. But her return had set him back.
She'd returned to the house late last night, so had waited until the morning to give him the good news about the money and relay everything else Pascha had said. There had been no reaction, not even when she'd told him his job was there for him to go back to if he wanted.
He'd spent the day in bed.
She'd spent the day making phone calls and waiting for James to get back from work. It wasn't as if she had a job to go to. As she'd suspected, Hugo had fired her. The letter had sat on the sideboard waiting for her return. No severance pay. Nothing. She kept waiting for the devastation to hit her but, to her surprise, all she felt was relief.
It felt good to feel something. The only other emotion she felt at that moment wasn't even an emotion. It was numbness. She felt empty, as if she'd been drained of all the things that made her human.
'Hi, sis,' James said, stepping into the kitchen and heading straight to the oven where his dinner was keeping warm. 'Good trip away?'
'It was very...productive.' He didn't know about her job situation. Not yet. He could wait a little longer.
'Right. Well, I've rebooked my trip to Amsterdam and I'll be leaving on Friday.'
'When are you going back home?'
'After I've eaten this.' He winked at her, taking the seat opposite her at the kitchen table. 'I've missed my flat.'
'Funnily enough, I've missed mine too.' Emily waited for him to swallow his first mouthful. 'I've been thinking.'
'Did it hurt?'
For once she didn't laugh at her brother's quip. 'This can't go on. We can't fix Dad on our own-no, I can't fix him on my own. He needs professional help and he needs it now. I've phoned the doctor to get the ball rolling about getting proper home care for him.'
James eyed her shrewdly. 'What's brought the big change on? I thought you were adamant we didn't need outside involvement.'
'I was wrong. And I was wrong to give up my flat. I've given my tenants their month's notice. I'll be moving back in as soon as they're out. From now on, you and I are going to share responsibility for Dad.'
She didn't wait for a reaction, simply got up and reached for a shelf stacked with her mum's old cookbooks. She pulled one down and lobbed it on the table next to him.
'What's this?' he asked suspiciously.
'That, darling brother, is a sign from your little sister that it's time to grow up and learn to take care of yourself. Oh, and seeing as I cooked dinner, you can do the clearing up.' This time it was Emily's turn to flash a wink before heading out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
When she reached the landing, she took a deep breath.
That had been easier than she'd anticipated. There was definitely something to be said for not giving the other person time to answer back.
She heard the creak of her father's door and turned to find him standing at the threshold in his pyjamas, his eyes watery.
'There's something I need to tell you,' he said. And just like that, her slightly lighter mood plummeted.