‘No, it’s okay. We were finished anyway.’ I don’t mean for it to come out how it sounded and I feel a little embarrassed.
‘You were?’ Kayden cocks an eyebrow. ‘Because I wasn’t.’
My embarrassment doubles and I playfully swat his arm, hoping it’ll divert everyone’s attention from my blushing.
‘It’s okay. We can go get dinner,’ Kayden says through his chuckles then his gaze fastens on mine. ‘We can finish later.’
All three of them laugh and I should get even more embarrassed, but I find myself calmer than anything. Because this is what life is about, I think. Moments like these.
Right now, everything is perfect.
Chapter 16
#103 Keep Trying to Outrun Your Demons.
Kayden
The next day I have a game. I’m excited and nervous and afraid, but that’s how it always is for me. There’s always a list of things I could mess up on flowing through my head and a list of things I can do not to fuck up. But sometimes I just wish I could get the lists to stop and just play, because I love the game.
I play pretty fucking well through almost the entire game, but only when it veers toward the end does it really matter. The crowd is going wild. Everyone is screaming, hollering, cheering me on, including Callie, Seth, and Greyson, who I know are sitting close to the front, supporting me like they always do. There are players lined up on both sides, me at the back, ready to catch the snap. The lights are bright above me, but there’s a shadow cast over me that no one else can see. We’re one touchdown away from winning and there’s less than a minute on the clock. The pressure is on me to do well, my teammates, my coach, the entire stadium waiting for me to make the perfect throw. But it’s small in comparison to the voice I hear in my head.
My father’s.
It’s gotten worse since Dylan found him, now shouting instead of whispering.
Run!
Make the perfect throw!
Winning the fucking game!
I hear the snap.
Feel the rush.
Here the scream.
You better make this!
It echoes through my head.
I feel the ball touch my hands and I run back, searching for an opening. My heart is pounding in my chest as players move around the field and I’m aware of them all. But not as aware as I am of the voice inside my head.
You better not fuck this up!
There’s no clean throw.
Everyone is covered.
The clock is ticking.
My heart is pounding.
You better not mess this up, Kayden!
I move to the right, and run, my feet hammering against the grass as I focus on one thing – outrunning that damn voice. My feet move faster than they ever have as I dodge to the left then the right. There are people in front of me, behind me, coming at me from different directions, but I focus on the end zone. It’s all that matters. And as the clock continues to tick, a player grabbing at me from the back, I jump across that line.
Touchdown!
The crowd goes crazy! My team goes crazy! Everyone is running at me. We won! We won! We won!
But I feel like I’ve lost somehow because in the end I can still hear that damn voice.
You could have done better.
After I’m showered and changed, I head out of the locker room even though my team’s begging me to go out.
‘Come on, man,’ Tyrel Buliforton, the end back says as I sling my bag over my shoulder and head for the door. ‘You played fucking awesome. We need to go celebrate.’
I shake my head. ‘Nah, I already got plans,’ I lie because all I want to do is find Callie and hold her, knowing it’ll help me leave the voice of my father behind.
‘For someone who made the winning touchdown, you sure look super depressed,’ Luke Price, my best friend, says as he follows me out of the locker room, zipping up his coat. Luke’s been my best friend since we were kids and has his own problems with his parents. We don’t talk about it, though. I think he saves it for his girlfriend, Violet, just like I do with Callie.
‘You’re not going out either,’ I tell him as we step outside and into the cold.
He shrugs. ‘Partying isn’t … or can’t be my thing anymore, being a recovering alcoholic and all.’
‘You doing okay with that?’ I ask, tugging my fingers through my damp hair as I search for Callie in the crowd of people loitering around, wearing the school colors.
‘Yeah, but I know myself enough to know that I’ll be doing okay just as long as I go home and not out.’ He stuffs his hands into his pockets and then grins as he spots Violet leaning against a post not too far from us. It’s funny, but he never really smiles except for when he’s with her.
I wonder if it’s the same way with me when I’m with Callie.