That sounded every bit as stressful as meeting the queen. Watching him leave and wishing he'd stayed, Naelin murmured, "I'm not ready. What do I say to Headmistress Hanna? She faced the spirits at the Massacre of the Oaks. She's trained two queens."
"You managed to charm Champion Ven," Alet said. "You'll be fine."
Naelin nearly stopped walking. As it was, she caught her foot on Llor's and stumbled against Erian. Erian squawked, and Naelin had to spend several seconds checking to be sure everyone was all right-they were-before she asked, "Exactly what do you mean by that?" She thought her voice sounded steady, normal, but she couldn't help the way her heart began to thump harder.
Erian answered instead of Alet. "He admires you. It's obvious, Mama. And I like him too. He scowls a lot, but he doesn't mean it." For a second, Naelin let herself sink into that thought-her children liked him, and he was kind to them. Gentle, even.
Naelin glanced at Alet, who nodded, an amused smirk on her face. "He's not used to people standing up to him." Alet shrugged. "You've impressed him."
She hadn't wanted to impress him, much less charm anyone. Except . . . No. "Right. Well, I'm not looking for admiration, especially if you're implying the kind of admiration I think you're implying." She thought of his pale-blue eyes, always studying her. She'd assumed he was assessing her as a potential heir, not as . . . Never mind. It was ridiculous to be having these thoughts while she was on her way to meet a living legend. Alet was teasing her. And I'm being silly, indulging in fantasies. "Ridiculous."
"You left your husband, spoken and witnessed," Alet pointed out. "Do you plan on returning to him?" Striding purposefully forward, Alet parted the crowd. Naelin, Erian, and Llor scurried behind her.
"Well, no, but . . ." She'd left him, taken the children, and announced in front of witnesses that she had no intention to return. That severed their vows, by forest law. But she hadn't paused to think through the implications, that maybe fantasies didn't have to stay fantasies. Instead she'd been so caught up in reacting, and then the travel . . . "This isn't the time for talk like that." She had greater things to worry about than whether Ven was the kindest, most intense, most sincere man she'd ever met . . . It was indulgent to even think like this when she had two children to look after in a strange, overwhelming city. Naelin looked at Erian and Llor and wondered if they'd realized that their family was shattered, permanently. She wondered if they'd ever fully understand. I've hurt them, she thought. Whether they knew it yet or not, whether she meant to or not, whether she had a choice or not, whether it was her fault or not, she'd uprooted their lives.
Guilt is an unavoidable and useless emotion, Headmistress Hanna decided, especially after you've committed regicide. Still, Hanna allowed herself to wallow for a few minutes. She'd opened her window and sat on the sill. Ahead was the thick green of the forest. Far below, shrouded in bushes, was the forest floor. Birds called to one another, familiar territorial cries that sounded like beautiful insults.
She heard her office door swing open behind her. Without turning around, she said, "I don't require anything." Except a cure for the queen.
A familiar voice said, "I trust you don't intend to fall?" Champion Ven. She hadn't expected him, yet was not surprised. Healer Hamon had predicted he'd return from the forest after failing there and choose one of her students.
It was a shame none of them were ready.
More than a shame.
Out loud, she said, "It would be irresponsible of me, as well as create an unseemly pile on the academy entranceway. I couldn't ask the caretakers to clean such a mess." She didn't leave her perch, but she did shift sideways so that he could sit beside her.
He didn't sit. "Tell me you don't do this often."
"Only when my thoughts are stifling. I like the fresh air." Up this high, the wind whipped around the top of the tower. She felt it push against her feet. "We did a terrible thing for a just cause, and now it appears the universe is punishing us."
"Daleina told you?"
"Healer Hamon. He visited this morning."
"It's not a punishment."
"Hamon told me that as well, but it does not feel that way. I believe in fate, and I believe fate wants revenge for our hubris in trying to control it." Hanna sighed heavily. "Instead of protecting innocents, we have condemned them. Without a suitable heir . . . I fear we have done our country a great wrong."