And she'd find a way to safely leave.
The next morning, Naelin declared the children had to be washed. She found a stream near their camp, with a willow tree that draped over the water. Every time the wind blew, tendrils of leaves stroked the water, creating ripples that spread toward the pebbled shore. Naelin kept an eye on the ripples, her senses open, watching and listening for spirits. Two were perched in the branches of a tree to the north, and a water spirit lurked around the next bend, catching fish as they swam between the rocks and then bashing them against the closest rock.
Close by her, Llor splashed in the shallows while Erian scrubbed her face. When she finished, she handed the cloth to Llor, who promptly tossed it onto the shore. "Not dirty," he proclaimed.
"Very dirty," Naelin informed him. She dunked the cloth into the water, caught his arm, and began to scrub his neck. He twisted and squirmed, kicking at the water until it splashed his sister, who screeched. "No screaming, Erian. You know better than to make loud noises in the forest. And Llor, don't splash your sister, and don't fidget. Hold still, and it will be over faster."
With zero warning, Erian burst into tears. "It's not my fault! He splashed me."
"And that's why I told him no splashing. Erian, we don't cry about nothing."
Erian sucked back a sob. Her lower lip quivered. "Father would understand."
The words felt like a stab. Naelin wanted to say she was sorry, but she wasn't the one who'd forced her to use her power. She wasn't the one who'd brought a champion into their home. She wasn't the one who'd changed their lives. She was trying to do her best . . . She sucked in air and tried to stay calm. It would only escalate things if she showed she was upset too. "Cry if you need to then. I know this is difficult, and I can't promise it will get easier. I can promise I'll keep you safe as best as I can."
"Safe isn't enough," Erian sobbed. "I want to go home."
"I want to go home too," Llor said, and then he started to cry as well.
Wishing Renet were here to scream at, Naelin opened her arms, and both of them piled onto her, their wet clothes soaking hers as they sobbed onto her shoulders. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. She stroked their hair as they cried and felt like crying as well, but she didn't let herself. She couldn't afford to break down, not when there was no one here to help put her back together.
She heard a soft clink and looked up. Captain Alet was crouched on one of the rocks. She had her knife drawn and was focused on a shape in the water.
The water spirit.
It was sliding toward them, like a serpent through the ripples.
Leaping from the rock, Alet landed in the water and stabbed her knife down. The spirit squealed, dove under, and sped rapidly away. "You can't lose focus," she said, "no matter what else occurs."
"I never wanted this," Naelin said. "I wanted an ordinary life: house, husband, children, an honest living. A few herb plants. Neighbors I didn't hate. A quiet life."
"We rarely get what we want."
"What did you want?" Still cradling her children, Naelin watched the guardswoman clean her blade and then splash water on her face and neck. Patches of dirt turned into mud that dripped over her shoulders.
She shrugged. "Not that life. Far too boring."
"Peaceful isn't boring."
"I wanted to matter. For my life to matter. So many people die and no one knows they ever existed. They're ripples in a stream, disappearing when the wind blows."
Erian was beginning to quiet. Llor was still sniffling. He'd most likely forgotten why he was crying. He just knew he was supposed to be crying. Naelin let them rest against her. "You've lost people?"
"Plenty." Her voice was distant, and her eyes fixed downstream. All trace of the water spirit had disappeared. Casting her mind out, Naelin felt it, hunkered down in the rapids, a ways downstream. It seemed to have forgotten them. "All, in fact. Except my sister. I'd do anything for her, anything to make her proud of me."
Naelin cast around for something else to say. "Sounds like you found important work, being the queen's guard, working with Ven. I'm sure she's proud of you."
Still looking downstream, Alet nodded.
"What's the queen like?" Naelin asked. She wanted to ask more: Will she listen? Will she understand? Will she help? Will she keep my children safe?
"Noble," Alet said. "Serious. Driven."
"Have you known her for long?"
"Long enough to know she's a good queen," Alet said, and there was a look on her face that Naelin couldn't quite name-it was a little like longing. "She wants to protect her people, and she's willing to give her life for that. She understands duty and sacrifice."