Sebastian ignored the heavy weight crushing his heart at the thought of leaving his family and friends behind. What choice do I have? Living in this house with Emma and Thomas would kill him.
For once in his life he’d given his heart away, only to have it stomped on and cast aside. The love of his life preferred his brother, the duke. He had expected behavior like that from the silly debutantes attending the balls and soirees in London this season, but not from Emma. He had thought she was different.
“Stop right this minute,” his mother demanded in her most clipped ‘duchess voice.’ At her tone Sebastian paused in his tracks, his mind tumbling back to his boyhood when he and Thomas were caught causing mischief. Sometimes they would lock their tutor out of the classroom. Climb out the window, and run as far away from the estate as they could. They would always return when it became dark or their stomachs growled, even though they would have to face mother’s wrath.
“Turn and look at me. Tell me, what has brought this on?”
Closing his eyes, Sebastian hoped to keep all his emotions from showing. He did not want his mother knowing about his troubles with Thomas––or the reason.
“Mother, I realized something about myself these past days, weeks, months. I can’t live under the generosity of Wentworth.” Yes, he would refer to his brother as Wentworth from now on. Sebastian saw he was no longer a true brother, other than in name and through financial connection. “I inquired about taking this position at Hamilton Oil. After running all Wentworth’s estates and properties and overseeing renovations to this house while he was in America, I realized I can no longer go back to doing nothing.”
Sebastian hugged his mother, something he never remembered doing before. “Don’t worry about me; I plan on taking America by storm. And I’ll be back to visit and I’ll write every week.”
His mother pulled back and touched his cheek with the palm of her hand. “If you must, go with my blessing. Take care of yourself. Stay away from the natives that roam those lands.”
Amelia and Bella both hugged him together, and his heart nearly broke apart.
“What will I do without you, dear brother?” Amelia sniffed. “Thomas is so stuffy since becoming a duke. He is no fun at all.”
Sebastian stepped back and smiled at Amelia, fighting back his own tears. He grabbed Bella’s hand and squeezed. “You will find yourself a husband, have babies, and live a long and wonderful life. You do not need me. I love you both. Don’t ever forget that. And marry well and marry for love. Don’t let Wentworth force you into a marriage without that. Don’t do it without your heart engaged and the gentleman’s heart involved.” He banged his chest with his fist, forcing a smile onto his face and enthusiasm into his voice. “I will write as soon as I’m in Boston.”
Once inside the coach, he’d cooled down but ignored the guilt riding him for not having said goodbye to his brother or to Emma. His hand massaged the pain in his chest over his heart. If he saw either one of them now, he would drop to his knees and beg their forgiveness for his hurtful words, said in anger. He might even stay.
Stubborn pride, however, would not allow him to go back inside. Bloody hell, he did not want to leave England. Never, ever, in his wildest dreams, did he imagine traveling to America. His words and reasons, spoken aloud, left him no choice. Was he now damned for his stubborn pride?
***
Emma spent the day in bed, begging a migraine. She could not face any member of the Seabrook family, knowing she was to blame for Sebastian’s hasty and emotional departure. How could any of them ever forgive her if they knew the truth of what transpired between her and Thomas and Sebastian? And forgiving herself would never happen.
Rosie came in several times with food and to check on Emma. The trays went back to the kitchen untouched, and she sent Bella and Amelia away without seeing them as well. Who knew guilt could consume you and make you physically ill? She’d learned it could––and learned it the hard way.
Then his words filtered in her mind about finding her a husband as soon as possible. Emma flung herself over onto her stomach and screamed all her heartache and frustration into her pillows. She was without any control over her life. Why had she not accepted his proposal even without a declaration of love? She wanted to be his wife more than anything. What was wrong with her?
What she would give to be back at finishing school. Why, oh why, had she not understood how much better off she had been then? Spending her days with her studies, writing to her heart’s content, spending her free time with Amy and Penelope and sitting in the kitchen with Mrs. Gertrude.