Giles flashed him a concerned look, but Thomas ignored it. He climbed the stairs slowly, his legs weighed down from exhaustion and worry. On days like today he wished he were not a duke with the weight of his family on his shoulders. Just once he wanted to throw family obligations, ducal demands, and the strict propriety of the ton out the door and live like a normal gentleman of leisure. Have the woman he wanted…
Impossible.
Two servants came in and, after several trips to the kitchen, filled his tub. Thomas, undressed and submerged up to his chest, rested his head against the metal back and closed his eyes. He forced his body to relax and his mind to go blank. Not an easy task after nearly losing Amesbury last night. Which, once again, drew to the forefront of his mind the question: How did Amesbury bring on this addiction to laudanum? Could his life be so bad he had to escape to this drug? Sighing deeply, Thomas remembered his friend, his skin blue, his breathing labored, and his body shaking with uncontrollable convulsions––all while he was sleeping. This morning had brought on even more frightening side effects and behaviors associated with withdrawal.
His friend had better be in the mood for talking when he returned. Thomas would not take any evasive answers as to how this happened and why.
A knock on his door had him swearing. Could he not have any privacy or peace? “Who is it?” he barked out.
“Sebastian. May I come in?”
Groaning loudly, he replied, “Enter.” He must be out of his mind. This was not the time for talking to anyone in his family; he was in a state of undress and was too preoccupied with Amesbury.
Sebastian entered and froze. “I did not realize you were bathing. I can come back. Or better yet, can I have a word with you in your study when you’re presentable?”
Thomas’s heart fluttered. This conversation with his brother was not one he wanted to take place today or ever. “I’ll be down in half an hour.”
“Thank you,” his brother replied, then quit the ducal chambers.
Heart in his throat, Thomas closed his eyes and groaned. He knew his brother well enough to know he would ask for Emma’s hand. Dear God, there had to be a way out of this. As much as a union between them would benefit Emma and Sebastian, he could not conceive that the words granting them approval would come out of his mouth.
Thomas could lie to himself all he wanted about Emma not having the right bloodlines to marry a duke. But the truth was he realized he did not come close to being worthy of her. She, who was goodness to the core of her being, and he, who had been deceitful, could not be together.
Every minute of every day Thomas could lecture himself about it. But the honest truth was he had feelings for Emma, feelings he’d never known existed, even when he simply glimpsed at her from a distance. And up close… he’d already proven he had no self-control. And he burned with shame again at the memory.
The times he spent in the arms of other females didn’t compare to the one time he held and kissed her. He would give anything to turn back time, undo that ravishing kiss, and be pure and worthy of her innocence and love. Take his time and court her properly as she was meant to be wooed. He wanted to treat her with respect, but for some reason when in her company he turned into a bastard, either ignoring her, insulting her, or forcing himself on her. He needed to be a better man. And if he were, would he even have a chance with her?
Sebastian, who was the total opposite of him, was worthy of Emma. He did not consort with widows and married women. As far as he knew he did not visit brothels either. Why, oh why, could he not be more like Sebastian? Even at this grueling moment, just the thought of her had his cock raging hard with wanting Emma. Damn his demented mind, and his cock.
After dressing Thomas descended the stairs, hoping not to encounter anyone on the way to his study. He could not look upon Emma or his sisters or his mother right now. Not when his emotions and his body’s need had him vulnerable and laid him wide open. Especially not when he had thought long and hard, had made his decision, decided on a course of action, and meant to do what he planned.
Upon entering his study, Thomas found Sebastian standing at the large window which overlooked the formal gardens at the back of the grounds. “What can I do for you, Sebastian?” Thomas forced his voice to sound bored and unemotional.
“I…” As if in pain, his brother handed him a letter. Thomas could not help but notice his brother’s hands trembling. “It came this morning.”
Thomas took the parchment and read the missive. It was his brother’s commission. It had happened, finally, after several years of hoping and waiting for the money needed to secure it.