Clarke felt the burden of the fears he pushed so deep start to lift as he began his truthful confession to Spencer, “The footman slammed the door last week, it sounded like a shot. My heart nearly stopped. I thought I would be sick. Loud, unexpected sounds make my hands tremble.” He propped his feet on the table. “I worry about Ellis, he’s not mentioned any of these symptoms. Now that I know I am not the only one, I will agonize about him.”
Spencer smiled. “I doubt he will come out and admit anything. None of us want that. We are young,virile men at the start of our lives in the ton. We live in a time where any such conversation will be misconstrued.”
“It shouldn’t be. Dammit. We fought for Queen and country. Our men… David should not have even been on the field, he died in my arms!” He fought to calm his anger and eyed Spencer. “What are you proposing we do?”
“Meet, say once a week, closed door. No house staff. No women. Just us. We can talk about what we experienced. I can’t speak for you, but I want to give Amelia my heart and my mind, as well as my body. I can’t put her through this pain that tortures me every night.”
“What about the gossip of the staff?”
Spencer tapped a finger on his knee as he thought. “How about we say it’s an invitation only card club.”
“Card club?” Clarke laughed. “If our memories don’t kill us, gambling can be the death of our fortunes.”
“We can play if we wish, but we can use the time to talk about what we are experiencing.”
“Men are never good at that. All the talking is for the women’s hen parties.”
“I think women have that part of life figured out. They ask for one another’s help and advice.”
“A card club…how can we keep it secret so no one will know?”
“I am the Duke.” Spencer smiled thinly. “You have my word. I pay the staff well and I trust them. We can survive without hot tea and sweets for an hour. I will add extra for their guaranteed silence and our anonymity as we come and go, no one even needs to know our members.”
“What about Adeline and Amelia?”
“It will be up to you. I have not yet decided if I will tell Amelia.”
“We have no secrets, I will be truthful with Adeline.”
“Very well. I don’t like keeping secrets, but I am afraid it will only bring Amelia worry. But I fear she cannot worry any more than when I wake up screaming in a cold sweat.”
“So you think there are others like us who suffer?”
“I think there are many. It is not something new. My Uncle, Roland, do you remember him?”
Clarke nodded. “Yes, I remember him well. He looked much like you.”
“When he came back from the Taiping War, he was… well… not right in the head. He cried out, his eyes set on a distant field. My aunt moved to a different house. She always seemed embarrassed by his actions and lack of control. Doctors said there was no hope for him, he was mad, and he was. I don’t want to be Roland. I feel I have only started my life. I am not ready to be committed.”
“We would never get hot tea or sweets in a mental ward.” He couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you think it will help? Just talking? It seems like too simple an answer.”
“I don’t know. But I know I will do anything not to suffer through one more night of nightmares.” Spencer leaned forward and offered his hand to shake. “Tuesday?”
“Tuesday.”
As the footman opened the door of Clarke’s hackney coach, a thought passed through his mind. He would need to sell this ”single man’s” coach and purchase a proper carriage for Adeline. He already had one in mind that he’d seen in London. It was lovely. Gold, with a deep blue interior to match her eyes. He wanted only the best for her.
The coach lurched into motion and he sank back in the seat. How had he gone from a young, usually inebriated man in a hackney to a man with all these responsibilities?
Ah, yes… Adeline.
God’s teeth… that meant becoming a part of Spencer’s ‘card club.’
Chapter Six
The wedding reception had been a blur of formally-set long tables, flowers, and lobster bisque. Clarke’s mother wanted him and Adeline to spend the night at Garrison, but this was no longer his home. The land and stables were Ellis’ in every sense of the word but paper. Ellis was what the estate and the horses needed. He was never good at the whole breeding process… that reminded Clarke. He felt his blood boil just looking at Adeline.