Kennedy pulled out of his arms and sat up. Maybe they did need to talk about it now. “You hurt me, you hurt me so much.”
Ryan stared at her, shock written on his face. “I know.”
“You think you know, but you don’t.” Kennedy pulled away when he reached for her and jumped off the bed to stop him from getting any closer. “I know I was a stupid little girl then. Why would you, the great Ryan Carville, quarterback and star of the football team, want anything to do with a hermit who wasn’t even as pretty as that damn Clara? It’s laughable, right?”
He winced. “No, it’s not.”
“It’s not. Is that all you are going to say?” Kennedy swiped angrily at the tears running down her face. “I thought I was in love with you. You walked on water; you could do no wrong. You were everything to me. I had only talked to you a few times, and yet I thought you were everything.”
“I- I didn’t know you felt that strongly. We’d only just met…” Ryan trailed off, and looked closely into her eyes. “Is that the reason you won’t let me get close to you?”
Kennedy shrugged. She couldn’t answer that without admitting she was in love with him. She shook her head, turning away from him to say the rest. “You don’t know how hard I fought to get out of that depression after prom. That dark hole you buried me in almost killed me, almost killed Riley. I think back to what you did to me and then I look at you now. I see how you are with Riley; you love him. I notice how patient you are with me even when I’m being a royal bitch and it makes me think… it makes me feel—”
“Loved.” That one word from Ryan’s lips silenced her mind, captured her breath and made her heart skip. She turned to look at him finally and was frozen in place by the emotion in his gaze. “You feel that way because it’s true. I love you. High school was… Clara was… I want to find a way to tell you this that doesn’t make me seem weak, selfish, and like a royal ass.”
“But you were those things and even more! You were cruel, Ryan. I wanted to die when you didn’t call me the morning after prom. And when I didn’t hear from you once during the summer, especially after I found out I was pregnant…” Kennedy sat down on the bed and bit down on her trembling jaw. “You need to be real with me right now I am your wife, the mother of your children…and your victim. You are my husband, the father of my children…and my tormentor. If you can’t be your true self with me, then who?” She shook her head. “I need to know why you did it. How you could do that.
Ryan inched closer to her, but she stopped him. He took a breath, bowed his head, and started talking. “I was weak. I wanted to be accepted. My father said it didn’t matter how good I was. If the team didn’t accept me, I would never be one of them. So I dressed how they dressed, talked how they talked and did what they did. I did anything and everything, to be accepted. My conscience still haunts me, It won’t let me rest. I hurt a lot of people back then, and I can’t change that. The only thing I can change is who I am now. You made me change Bailey,” Ryan said softly. “From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted to be a different man, a better man. I wanted to be me.”
“Who is that though, Ryan? This man who cries when his son is sick or that boy who tricked me, who plotted with Clara and treated me like I was some plaything—”
“I’m not tough. I’m sensitive, and I don’t think women were put on this earth to be my personal playthings. Seconds before I met you up in that hotel room I told Clara we were done. It’s not like we were a real couple anyway. But I wanted her to be clear on what was happening, of what was about to happen. That night I chose to be me.”
She just stared at him, overcome, wanting to believe him.
“At first, I thought it was kind of ironic that it took sex with a stranger to make me realize that. And then I realized that it was because I was with you. Not a stranger.” He sighed. “It kills me to think that all those years ago, if I hadn’t been such a coward, we could’ve had this. I could’ve had this from the start.”
Kennedy caught the tear that rolled from his eyes. She could feel his honesty, his confusion, and they were clouding her resolve. “I’m still not having sex with you. But Riley and I will come to the game tomorrow.”
“Not until our hearts catch up with out hormones.” He kissed the palm of her hand. “I’m sorry I was so weak.”
It was what she wanted to hear from him all those years, but to hear it now was overwhelming. Kennedy still wasn’t sure she could trust it. “I’m still scared.”