But of course there were larger forces at work which she had no control over, and perfection was too much to hope for. And happiness, as she had realized, came at a price.
While there were no more huge revelations of Alexander's past, neither did he have any more of his painful episodes. She could not tell if he was deliberately not remembering, or did remember but was not talking about it with her. She had promised not to probe, and she was fairly certain he had done nothing wrong other than help family and friends.
He could not have killed his wife. It was not even certain that she was dead. No matter what he had gone through, she could not believe Alexander was a cold-blooded murderer. He was tender, affectionate, devoted and thoughtful, not cruel. She could understand jealousy for the first time. Any woman looking at him intently set the emotion burning in her breast.
But to kill his wife and her sons? Unless she had posed a danger to him in some way because of her pro-Bonapartist sympathies, she could not imagine it.
In any case, though Sarah knew she was living in a fool's paradise, she did not care. When her brother got home, if not before, she would find out his name, where he came from. A letter from Jonathan could tell her what she needed to know any day.
For the moment, all she wanted to know was the way he made her feel when he held her in his arms and kissed her. When they were alone in bed together. Their fierce passion grew stronger with each passing day, and night. She had no intention of giving Alexander up, no matter what she thought he might have done.
In the eyes of society, she would be condemned as a wanton and a fool, but she didn't care. She loved him beyond all reason or sense. Without shame or embarrassment. He took her in his arms and the whole world fell away. She belonged to Alexander now, irrevocably. He had put his stamp on her, in more way than one.
For as the days passed and her cycle did not appear regularly, she began to suspect that the thing he had feared had actually come to pass. She was thrilled. The thought of a new life growing inside her was more moving than anything she'd ever experienced. Alexander's child. Proof of their love.
But also proof of their sin for all to see. In her heart they were married, one heart, one flesh, one soul. Not everyone would take so tolerant a view, however.
She knew she was going to have to make some plans for the future. She would have a few months yet. The one thing she did not want to do was disgrace her brother. The trip to Bath would enable her to look at her options. It would mean leaving Brimley, moving to a new neighborhood where people would believe they were really married.
Then they would have everything they had ever dreamt of. She would find things which would fulfill Alexander, even blind as he was, and with her money, they would be provided for amply.
Much as she longed to blurt out the news, she knew he would only worry. So when it seemed a logical time, she pretended her monthly courses had come.
"But we can still share the bed, be intimate in other ways," she hastened to add when she saw his face fall.
"I'm glad. I don't want to spend a single night without you."
He clung to her fiercely. She wondered again how much he really remembered about his past with his wife. He said it had been an arranged match, but he was a passionate man. It must have hurt him deeply to have been rejected thus and treated so cold-heartedly.
She went out of her way to be affectionate towards Alexander. If he was ever hesitant about touching her, she gave him every encouragement. She was not afraid of a mussed gown or hair, or even what people said when they were affectionate in public. Not when she had the regard and love of this incredible man.
She was delighted with her pregnancy despite her fears for the future. The thought of a new life growing inside her filled her with elated wonder. There would be time enough to think, to plan, to make appropriate arrangements.
For the moment, she just wanted to hug her joy to her, forget about the rest of the world. The gossip, whispers, the ugly names and looks. She was sure the only person in the world she could love as much as Alexander was his child. How could their love be deemed wrong when it felt so incredibly perfect?
But complete and perfect happiness was as elusive as a rainbow. The long unread batch of letters she forced herself to comb through one rainy afternoon as she put her feet up in front of the fire in her study brought with it most devastating news from Randall Avenel. His brother Michael had in fact been killed at Toulouse. That was why they had not heard from their faithful correspondent. She read the letter with trembling hands, hardly able to take it in, and turned to Alexander for comfort.
"I know it was silly to think that all the Rakehells and my other friends could come out of it unscathed, but losing Michael is hard. He was so lucky for so long."