She cradled his head against her bosom. Exhausted, they both slept.
Chapter Nineteen
When Sarah awoke several hours later, she could tell by the position of the shadows in the room that it had to be well on into the afternoon. She had no idea what Caleb and Jenny were going to say when they eventually descended the stairs. She hoped they would understand and not be too critical of them. She did not fancy trying to lie, but nor could she bear their censorious gazes.
At any rate, she did not have to worry for the moment. Alexander was still sound asleep, and still planted firmly between her thighs. In fact, more than firmly, she thought with an inward giggle of shocked delight.
She had certainly opened the floodgates of his passion, she thought wryly. Of course she would not dream of complaining. What she had learned was worrying, though. He had been married, and had lost his family. The marriage had not been a happy one, with every indication pointing to his former wife having been less than honest with him, perhaps even unfaithful.
How had his sons died? An uneasy suspicion popped into her head. Once it was there, it was not so easy to get rid of. Had he done something in a fit of jealousy, to the boys, his wife, all of them?
But no. Alexander was not that kind of man, she was sure of it. He had been hurt, wounded by his former wife's indifference and her lies. But to resort to violence or cruelty? It didn't seem possible.
Yet he had been a soldier so far as she could tell. Violence and cruelty were all too common in the Army. Had they been killed in the war?
She considered this possibility for a time as she lay reveling in his huge hard body. Dazzling desire coursed through her, rendering her almost incapable of thought.
But she needed to concentrate. Their lovemaking also appeared to have opened the dam of his memory. He had been despairing enough before. She didn't want him to grow even more despondent, for it had been hard enough reaching him then, without him pulling even further away just when she thought they were truly moving forward with their lives.
Had his wife been with him in his regiment? It seemed unlikely. He was too well bred to have had a wife as a mere camp follower, and it was very difficult for married officers to obtain permission for their wives to travel with them. Usually only six were ever officially allowed, and they had to prove willing to fit in with army life, nursing the men, helping with sewing, laundry and so on. The process of gaining permission was an arduous one, based upon seniority and only permissible if the quota were not filled. It would have been even harder to take along two children.
Perhaps that was why he had fled to the Army? To get away from an unhappy marriage?
She had so many questions, and so few answers. But she had promised Alexander she would not pry. That was going to be difficult, however, with her whole future resting on the central point of whether or not his wife was still alive. They could not marry as long as they suspected this to be true. And they would be committing adultery every time they touched.
What would it be like to live with him, have children with him, if she was constantly living in fear of the other woman turning up to claim him? It would blight their entire existence.
Sarah tried to find a way around her difficulties. Having known the joys of sharing his bed, she wasn't willing to give him up without a fight. She knew she was a fallen woman now. In the eyes of many she would be deemed no better than the poor unfortunates she dealt with in the clinic.
But her circumstances were very different, she told herself firmly. She had not been seduced, tricked, betrayed. Alexander would never willingly hurt her. Never deceive or abandon her. She was wealthy in her own right. She could make her way in the world, provide for them both. And if his wife was still alive, a divorce could be arranged. She wasn't sure, but she thought the marriage would be null and void if they were separated for seven years. If she did turn up, well, there were certain conditions that would make it possible and easy. The party deemed at fault any the divorce might not be able to re-marry, though, she reminded herself, worrying her lower lip between her teeth.
His former wife seemed to have been to blame, at any rate. It might not be too hard to secure a divorce if his wife wanted to be free of a man whom she had never much cared about before he had been injured. She would most likely be even more glad to be rid of a blind and handicapped spouse with no memory.
Sarah pushed these thought aside quickly as he stirred against her in his sleep. She was determined not to think about it. She had told Alexander they would take it one day, and one night at a time. She had to keep her side of the bargain.
All she needed to know was that she loved him, would do anything to be with him. She was not going to let any past troubles, or any potential future ones, spoil the miraculous gift of love they had been given. Many would blame her for sticking her head in the sand, but it was the only way to get through this, this turmoil.