Jonathan shook his head, and slid over into the corner of the carriage as far away from Pamela as possible before he grabbed her again. His senses threatened to overwhelm all reason, all principles, he desired her so.
Pamela did likewise, hurt at his seeming rejection of her, and appalled at her own wanton behavior. She had not only kissed him, she had begun to shred his clothing.
"For pity's sake, the two of you, say something."
Jonathan longed to beg for Pamela's hand in marriage. Instead he forced himself to state, "I can only say that I'm sorry to have embarrassed Miss Ashton and myself thus. If I were free to follow my own inclinations, I could think of no better companion to share my life with. But alas, even if I were free, I could never ask Pamela to throw away her life on so unworthy an object as myself."
He was still trembling with the passion the kiss had evoked. He didn't know how he was going to get out of the carriage without disgracing himself utterly. Every inch of his flesh throbbed and burned...
Pamela stared at him, but was oblivious to his masculine agony. She was in a feminine one all of her own, her breasts and the secret cove between her thighs both tingling with need. The time for remaining silent about her feelings had passed.
"You are not unworthy, Jonathan. You're one of the best people I've ever met. It is I who would not be worthy of you. I'm too vain and selfish. I love you, Jonathan. I don't want to be without you. That kiss. Surely it meant something to you. Shows that we have something special which should not be thrown away. Not unless you really think I would only drag you down, in which case, then you are right to ignore my girlish passion and walk away from me."
"Very noble, both of you," Vanessa said calmly, "but relinquishing love is not a virtue. Far from it. Often it can be a vice, a form of selfishness. It can even lead to all sorts of other unhappinesses and temptations. Please, you're young, and being a bit hasty. Now that your feelings for each other are out in the open, don't you think it might be best to be honest with each other, and work through the difficulties?"
"Vanessa, I know you have the best of intentions, but really, this isn't your affair. You know something of my circumstances, why I cannot marry," Jonathan said firmly.
"I don't care about money. I don't care about the loss of station which some people would perceive me suffering as a result of marrying a vicar. Aunt Susan and my stepmother are good enough women. They will see you for who you really are, and admire you. Even if they don't, I'm my own woman. I can marry whom I like, without a thought for what anyone says."
"But I care what people say! I will not have you dragged down because of me."
She shook her head. "That assumes I'm above you. I assure you I'm not. I may have a finer house and a large fortune, but I'm not better than you, Jonathan. I'm far worse. I want to be better. I'm sure I shall succeed, if only you will teach me the error of my ways. If you'll be my guide and my comfort."
He shook his head. "I'm sorry, my dearest Pamela. I can't. I can't explain my reasons without breaking a confidence. I can only say that I ardently admire and love you. If there were no impediments, I would take you exactly as you sit before me now, without altering you one jot.
"But there are impediments, my dear. I'm truly sorry. Therefore I will just allow myself to kiss your hand and say God bless you. I shall leave Bath in the morning, and begin to look elsewhere for a parish."
Pamela's eyes widened. "No, please don't leave Somerset! Not on my account!" she pleaded tearfully. "Just because I have been so foolish as to set my cap at you doesn't mean you should be forced to leave the place where you've done so much good for so many people. We can be friends still. I shall never bring up this painful subject again. We can go on as before."
He shook his head. Heedless of Vanessa's presence, he took her hand and pressed it warmly in both of his own. "Do you think that after tasting Paradise, I can be content to go back to my living Hell? Not to see you, touch you, be with you, my dear? No, it's too much, even for me, who have tried to bear my hopeless love for you with fortitude."
"But it doesn't have to be hopeless, Jonathan! I love you!"
He shrugged, and released her hand with a sigh. "You're young, Pamela. You think you love me. Time will teach you that you're wrong. Or that it is possible to love others, even better than you love me."
Vanessa tried to intervene once more. "Please, Jonathan, think what you're doing to yourself, and to this poor girl. Don't act with such haste! With such cruelty!"
His expression closed up completely. "I'm sorry. It's for the best."