"Fuck Band-Aids." I don't need that shit.
"Always the tough guy. Let's go get you cleaned up."
Lala
Rampage has my body folded over the kitchen island, my skirt shoved up over my ass, and his fingers are sliding my panties over to the side.
"Someone's going to catch us," I whisper.
"Shut up, Lala. I just need to feel you."
Sliding into me with one, quick thrust, I can feel each metal stud against my wet flesh. The metal gliding in and out against my skin always makes me shudder, especially in this position.
"Fuck, babe. I love how you let me give it to you."
He knows that I will never say no to him. If this is what he needs, then it's all his. I don't even care that it's in a kitchen with people not more than ten feet away from the door.
****
In my life, six months is a long time to be in one place, especially spending that time with someone. Hell, I might even go as far as calling it a milestone. I had never lived anywhere longer than a few months, never had consistency. I've never had anyone in my life that I didn't owe something to, and I never owned anything. Even the car that Rampage tried to fix was a stolen car that I paid cash for, and even then it was a piece of shit. Lil is the only person that I have worked to have a friendship with. Never having a real friend before, I needed that and I worked to keep it. It was through that friendship that I met Rampage.
It's been a year. We've slipped into a solid year together. Rampage and Lala. We've had good, bad, and all that shit in between. The one constant we've had this past year is each other. I have Rampage and his club. I'd never had a family until I met him.
I have it all now. I have friends, a home, a job. I have a life, and I share that life with Rampage. I have him to thank for all of it. He lets me be me, and he supports whatever I want to do. Once I left my job, he made it possible for me to go to school fulltime, which helped me to graduate early. Rampage has given me everything, but he's never given me his love.
It sounds so petty and ridiculous after everything he has done for me, but I'm still not sure where I fit into his life. I'm not sure what we are. I know that he wants me and only me, and I try to be happy with that, but sometimes I wonder what it would feel like hear him say that he loves me. I know he doesn't look at what tomorrow brings, he just lives in the present, but it makes me feel like I'm a kept woman until he tires of me.
He never claims me in front of anyone, so I have no right to claim him. It's humiliating to me, acting the part of his old lady, but knowing that he will never claim me as his.
///
I want him to fit me into his life. I want to stay in his life, whichever way he'll have me. It scares me to think that at any moment, he could let me go. I'm not sure I could survive that. I can't see life without him and that scares me.
I'm so selfish for feeling this way and I know it. He doesn't have to do anything for me, but he does. He keeps me safe and takes damn good care of me. I'm thankful he's with me. He's here for me. I have Rampage and that's all the matters to me … for now.
****
"I love this color, Cali. I've been tryin' to get Gin to let me paint the bedroom pink for ages now, but he shuts that shit down real quick. Says he's movin' out if I paint it that color, but little does he know I'm gonna paint it whatever fuckin' color I want." Peaches laughs, waving her rolling paint brush around. Good thing I put plastic on Cali's floor and furniture.
"Guess he's movin' in with us then?" Lil fires back.
Peaches just gives her a lazy shrug and says, "Probably, ‘cause you know I'm gonna paint it whatever color I want it."
"I painted that wall in the kitchen that pretty green. It's not a girly or manly color, so he might like that," Cali suggests.
The girls start talking about painting their homes and all kinds of other things they want to do, and for the first time in my life, I can join in on the conversation. I have a home to paint and fix up too.
We've been at this painting for a while, so we decide to order pizza while Lil runs to the store for wine and beer. Peaches has some obnoxious rap song playing, YG, rapping about who loves him, while she raps right along with him.
"You fuckin' suck." Cali laughs at her.
"Bitch, who do you love?" Peaches sings to me.
"Yeah. Who do you love, Lailah?" Cali lifts a perfectly plucked eyebrow at me and levels me with that look.
"Do you think Rampage loves you?" Peaches asks out of nowhere in the middle of her rap.
"I don't know," I answer honestly. I really don't know.
"He does," Lil interjects with steel determination. She's always so optimistic, glass half full kind of girl.
"Maybe." I shrug. I'm not sure where we stand, but I'm not going to argue it either. There is no way in hell I'm rocking the boat.
In my life I've learned to take things at face value. I can see and feel that he cares for me, but love is a whole different matter. Rampage speaks his mind. He doesn't hold things in and he lets his feelings be known. I would assume that if he loved me, he would have said it. "No maybe's about it. He fucking loves you," Lil says again.
"How do you know if I don't even know?"
"I just do. I can tell." I don't believe her, but that's okay. If he doesn't love me, well then I have enough love for the both of us.
"If you say so, Lil."
****
Sitting at the bar, Lil, Peaches, and I talk about Peaches wedding that may or may not be happening, depending on who you ask. She's been planning this wedding for over 2 years now, apparently because Gin isn't exactly giving her everything she wants. She's been holding out and being stubborn ‘til he gives in, I can see why Gin has put up a fight on what he will or won't do. She's has gone overboard with her demands and everyone has lost all patience with her. Gin and the guys have been avoiding her like the plague for weeks now, leaving her crazy, bridezilla ass with us to deal with. I would find it alarming if it wasn't so damn funny.
"You bitches still at it?" Tiny grumbles as he sits down next to me.
"Yep." Lil smiles at him.
"How much this shit gonna cost the club, Sis?" Lil smirks, but doesn't answer him. "Fuckin' Christ, Lil. You girls are gonna bankrupt us."
"That's the plan," She laughs.
"I found these amazing tuxedos," Peaches says, pointing to a magazine.
"We're gonna look like dumbasses," Tags tells her.
"The fuck you are," She counters. Tags pales and turns to Lil.
"I'm not wearin' that shit, Sis."
Lil smiles knowingly, "Oh, but you are."
"Babe, we're not wearin' tuxes. Why the fuck are you two turnin' this wedding into a goddamn circus?" Tank grumbles from the office.
"Shut the hell up. We're gonna do whatever the hell we want to."
"That's what I'm fuckin' worried about," he grunts from the office.
Tank comes out of the office and stares Lil down. A year ago he scared me to no end, but now, I only find him slightly scary, and very bossy. Turning to me he eyes me up and down.
///
"Lala. Please save me and tell me that you're not in on this shit too?"
"Yep. It's official."
"They're conspiring against us, brother," Gin grumbles, looking terrified. That too is true. Our plan is to take over the club and turn it into the "girls run this shit" club. We're trying, but the guys aren't havin' it.
"Lil, shut this shit down before I do," Tank warns her. She doesn't even acknowledge him. She just thumbs through her magazine while Peaches starts marking pages in hers.
"Rampage, tell your woman to shut Lil's shit down."
Rampage just laughs and shakes his head, "Not happenin'. I like her pussy, motherfucker. I like it a fuck of a lot. Not taking chances of her cuttin' my ass off."
One year and they have made me part of their family. I've never felt more accepted or wanted. One year and I couldn't imagine my life anywhere else. It's an amazing feeling when you feel like you just fit somewhere.
The wedding issues have shifted to club business, so now it's back to paperwork. It's not nearly as fun, but it has to be done. Tank finally shut Lil's shit down, but let's be real. She's still throwing that wedding the way Peaches wants it, whether Tank likes it or not. She pretty much does whatever the hell she wants to around here.
Sitting at the bar I look over some plans for the clubs armory and other businesses. Lil asked me to help take over some of the work here, so I help with the marketing and advertising for the clubs businesses. Along with the mechanical shop and the armory, Sargent bought a bar under the clubs name, so now there is even more paperwork. Lucky for everyone here, this is what I went to school for. I'm good at it and I love doing it.