Refuse to listen to gossip. Gossip is passing on information when you are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution. You know spreading gossip is wrong, but you should not listen to it, either, if you want to protect your church. Listening to gossip is like accepting stolen property, and it makes you just as guilty of the crime.
When someone begins to gossip to you, have the courage to say, “Please stop. I don’t need to know this. Have you talked directly to that person?” People who gossip to you will also gossip about you. They cannot be trusted. If you listen to gossip, God says you are a troublemaker.14 “Troublemakers listen to troublemakers.”15 “These are the ones who split churches, thinking only of themselves.”16
It is sad that in God’s flock, the greatest wounds usually come from other sheep, not wolves. Paul warned about “cannibal Christians” who “devour one another” and destroy the fellowship.17 The Bible says these kind of troublemakers should be avoided. “A gossip reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a babbler.”18 The fastest way to end a church or small group conflict is to lovingly confront those who are gossiping and insist they stop it. Solomon pointed out, “Fire goes out for lack of fuel, and tensions disappear when gossip stops.”19
Practice God’s method for conflict resolution. In addition to the principles mentioned in the last chapter, Jesus gave the church a simple three-step process: “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church.”20
During conflict, it is tempting to complain to a third party rather than courageously speak the truth in love to the person you’re upset with. This makes the matter worse. Instead, you should go directly to the person involved.
Private confrontation is always the first step, and you should take it as soon as possible. If you’re unable to work things out between the two of you, the next step is to take one or two witnesses to help confirm the problem and reconcile the relationship. What should you do if the person is still stuck in stubbornness? Jesus says to take it to the church. If the person still refuses to listen after that, you should treat that person like an unbeliever.21
Support your pastor and leaders. There are no perfect leaders, but God gives leaders the responsibility and the authority to maintain the unity of the church. During interpersonal conflicts that is a thankless job. Pastors often have the unpleasant task of serving as mediator between hurt, conflicting, or immature members. They’re also given the impossible task of trying to make everyone happy, which even Jesus could not do!
We protect the fellowship when we honor those who serve us by leading.
The Bible is clear about how we are to relate to those who serve us: “Be responsive to your pastoral leaders. Listen to their counsel. They are alert to the condition of your lives and work under the strict supervision of God. Contribute to the joy of their leadership, not its drudgery. Why would you want to make things harder for them?”22
Pastors will one day stand before God and give an account of how well they watched over you. “They keep watch over you as men who must give an account.”23 But you are accountable, too. You will give an account to God of how well you followed your leaders.
The Bible gives pastors very specific instructions on how to deal with divisive people in the fellowship. They are to avoid arguing, gently teach the opposition while praying they’ll change, warn those who are argumentative, plead for harmony and unity, rebuke those who are disrespectful of leadership, and remove divisive people from the church if they ignore two warnings.24
We protect the fellowship when we honor those who serve us by leading. Pastors and elders need our prayers, encouragement, appreciation, and love. We are commanded, “Honor those leaders who work so hard for you, who have been given the responsibility of urging and guiding you along in your obedience. Overwhelm them with appreciation and love!”25
I challenge you to accept your responsibility to protect and promote the unity of your church. Put your full effort into it, and God will be pleased. It will not always be easy. Sometimes you will have to do what’s best for the Body, not yourself, showing preference to others. That’s one reason God puts us in a church family—to learn unselfishness. In community we learn to say “we” instead of “I,” and “our” instead of “mine.” God says, “Don’t think only of your own good. Think of other Christians and what is best for them.”26